Internet Safety Circa Mid-1990s

Let's take a walk back in time to an era when the Internet was just beginning. And let's watch a video that gives us some tips about online safety for kids. Because sometimes things will come up on your screen that you haven't seen before. Hell, there will be some things on your screen that most adults haven't seen before. (Granted, now that the Internet has been around for a while, there isn't much that anyone hasn't seen before. I find it unfortunate that you can't unsee things. I have some pretty disturbing images blazed into my brain.) And this video aims to warn you of them. It also gives you a lovely image as to what an online perv might look like. (Hint: If you imagined him with a child molester moustache and a sleeveless T-shirt, step forward to claim your prize.) And look, I'm not trying to say that the messages in this video aren't valid. They are. And the bottom line is that people lie on the Internet (Great Scott!) and there's a lot of porn out there. I just find this little snippet of nostalgia a rather amusing way of trying to keep everyone safe. (And just in case you were wondering, no, I don't know why they're chatting with what appears to be Microsoft Word.)

What's He Pointing At?

There is not crap on TV on Saturday nights. Well, there is crap on TV. Lots of it. But there isn't any crap worth watching (for the most part) on Saturday nights. Sometimes you can hope for a good movie, but for the most part, it's crap. And last night I ended up settling on watching Back to the Future III. Not crap by any means. I did notice something a little weird, though.

At the end, when Doc and Clara come back to 1985 with their two boys, Jules and Verne, they're talking with Marty and Jennifer. And as Doc is yammering on about how no one's future is set in stone just yet (unless you're Lindsay Lohan and in that case, you're pretty much screwed) and it is what you make it, one of the boys makes this odd hand gesture toward his penis. That's right. Toward his penis. It was sort of like a 'come hither' gesture followed by very distinctive pointing. And if you've ever seen Back to the Future III then you know that it has absolutely nothing to do with a penis whatsoever! The video of it is below. I'm open to suggestions as to what the what was going on there.

Go Away, Jennifer

I believe the day has finally come that everyone else is as sick of hearing about Jennifer Aniston as I am. And not a moment too soon, either. How do I know this? I have a most awesome example/source to share with you.

Apparently, Jen Aniston is the pitchwoman or spokeshole for something called SmartWater. Now, while I find the concept of bottled water anything but smart (how much of it really comes from the special glaciers that the company claims and how much of it comes from the tap?), I find the SmartWater people to be rather smart in that they're making their fortune off of the simpletons that buy their products. These are the same folks who make VitaminWater. VitaminWater, as you may or may not be aware, has a name that makes it sound like a good thing, but in reality, it's pretty much crap. It won't make you healthier. It will only lighten the load in your wallet. Eventually though, you might end up feeling stupider, but that's not a guarantee. Plenty of people still buy this crap, so who knows when, if ever, that side effect will occur.

But I digress. Where was I? Oh, right. The SmartWater spokeshole, Jen Aniston. She has made a marketing video (otherwise known as an advertisement) for these SmartWater charlatans and the goal is for the video to go viral. At one point in the video, she kicks a poor, unsuspecting dude right in the nuts because, as she explains to the writhing sap, "...apparently that's worth about 100,000 hits." Poor guy. At the rate that her "viral video" is "taking off" his scrotum is going to be in shreds before it gets anywhere close to 100,000 hits.

Now, I first read about this stunt early yesterday. When I went to check how many hits it had on YouTube, it was up to a whopping (brace yourself) 304. Not 304,000. 304. And as I write this, it is about 9:30pm yesterday. Upon my re-checking of the video, it has now garnered a whopping 1,014 views. Not 1,014,000 views. 1,014. It even has more dislikes(1,365) than it has views. I don't know how that works, exactly, but I think it says something.

And the something it says it that we don't care about Jennifer Aniston anymore. Yes, she's hot. But that's all she has going for her. Have you ever heard her interviews? It's like listening to a pair of teats nailed to a wooden board. Sure, they're nice to look at and all, but there's no substance. There's nothing there. And after a while, even the looking good gets old. Sure, we loved her as Rachel, but that's because she had a great supporting cast on Friends. If it was just The Rachel Show, it would have been off the air quicker than Joey was. Her movies have never been any good and I think that she should just stop trying so hard and go away for a while. That video, is never going viral. If 2,000 people ever see it, I'll be shocked. Just go away, Jen. You're beautiful and you used to be funny, but please just go away. Clearly, by the lack of hits to your "viral" video, most folks would appreciate it. Please go. Now.

She Needs To Have A Job First

People could learn a lot from the little girl in the video that I'm about to link to because Blogger is being just totally awesome and not letting me post videos right now. She appears to be around 4 or 5 years old and has some definite ideas about the decisions that she is going to be making in her life later on. Her main point is that she will not and is not going to get married until she has a job. And she is adamant about it, too! She doesn't even care if her needing to have a job first makes the man go away. She says, "Fine. I'll just find a different man! This is my life." I'm telling you, I know people that need to listen and learn from this kid. She could give seminars to a select segment of society. Granted, they are that select segment of society mainly because they don't appear to listen to anyone, nor do they learn from their own mistakes. But that doesn't take away from the fact that she could give them all a very good talking to. Click here to check the girl out. Encourage people you know who could benefit from such wisdom to take a gander at it. It can't hurt.

Doggone Weird

Look, we all know that there is an awfully lot of weird stuff on the Internets. I mean, really weird stuff. There's cool stuff, too, but it's the weird stuff that really props up the Internets. Well, that and porn. Of course. But even a lot of the porn is pretty weird, too. I guess I don't have to tell you that. Where was I? Oh, yes. The weirdness. Even though there are a lot of really weird things on the Internets, I have to say that I have not encountered the type of weirdness depicted in the video below. That is, until today. Today I encountered it and I still don't know what to do with it. It's a woman and she's showing viewers how to exercise. It's unclear as to which viewers she is trying to reach, as she is also exercising with giant poodles. Oh, did I mention that she herself looks like a giant poodle? Yep. She does. And she looks like a giant poodle right down to her poofy arms and her poofy legs. Seriously, I have no idea what in the hell this is other than so bizarre I'm having trouble putting words to it. I'm open to suggestions. The video is below. It's probably the weirdest thing you'll see all day. You're welcome. I think. (Oh, and PS. I have no idea what that's a picture of. I simply Googled "weird" and that was one of the images that came up. And it is, unquestionably, weird. So I went with it.)

Exercise With The 80s

Anyone want to tell me just exactly what it was that we were all thinking in the eighties? OK, maybe not what we were all thinking. But what a lot of people were all thinking. The big hair. The bright colors. The wacky speech patterns used by all the kids. The headbands and leg warmers. The exercise videos. My God, the exercise videos! Tell me how anyone could have taken anything like the video below seriously. Ever. Actually...wait. Tell me how anyone would have thought that the video below was ever a good idea. (Is that Linda Evans?) Did they not know how ridiculous this was going to look? Because it does. Look ridiculous, that is.

My favorite part? "Now, the neck!" Now, the neck? Wait. What were we doing before?! What's with those eye movements? Is there a reason she's breathing out in such an unattractive fashion? I mean, I can practically overlook the hair because everything else is so damned bewildering. (I said practically, not totally. Seriously...Aqua Net much?) But really, I don't understand any of this. I'm open to explanations, though.

What Is Internet?

Technically, the Internet hasn't been around that long. Granted, I have a hard time remembering what I did in my spare time before the Internet. (I'd like to think that I was productive, but who knows?) Then again, I was an early adopter of the Internet. Are you kidding? Something that allowed me to do stuff without actually having to talk to other people? I'd been waiting for something like that my entire life!

And when I was first introduced to the concept of the Internet, while I didn't quite understand all of it or the immense capabilities, I was able to grasp the concept of the "@" symbol. It's pronounced 'at'. You know that. I know that. You know who didn't know that? Katie Couric. (Are you really that surprised? Of course you're not.)

I'm including a link to some video from 1994 that has surfaced. (I would have just embedded the video, but for some reason, YouTube wasn't giving it up.) It was when Katie Couric was on Today with the insufferable Bryant Gumbel. Not only did they have a discussion over what "@" stood for, they were both completely flummoxed by the entire concept of the Internet in general. That kind of explains why they were calling it "Internet". No the. Just Internet. As in, "Can you explain what Internet is?" Even after they get their explanation, they're still not completely sure what it means. Bryant Gumbel is completely perplexed by email addresses and has no earthly idea what they mean, let alone what they're supposed to do. Click here to be taken back to the glory days of 1994, when Internet was just beginning.

And while I find it amusing, I'm a little perplexed on why those folks don't do any research for their job. Seriously, if they knew that they were going to be talking about "Internet" that day at work, don't you think that they maybe should have brushed up on what the heck it was first? I mean, they're already completely morons. Do they really want to appear to be complete morons? Hmm. I guess if I look at how things turned out for them today, I guess it really doesn't matter. Nope. Doesn't matter if you're stupid, you can still get ahead in media. We're scroomed.

Kanye West's Art Film

It's his video for "Runaway," but actually contains a condensed medley of many of his songs on his recent album, My Dark Twisted Fantasy, and I think it's one of the best music videos I've seen in decades; so good, in fact, that it approaches the status of art. If you aren't among the 8 million or so people who've seen it yet imagine a cross between Liquid Sky and The Man Who Fell To Earth but with a female phoenix, ballerinas, and an African last supper. Stretching for over half an hour. It really does work, believe me....

A still from the video for "Runaway"

Late To The Party

This has been plastered all over the Internet at this point, so I feel like I'm a little late to the party on this one. Then again, being late has never stopped me before. The video below is of a guy named Ted Williams. (No, not the baseball player who had his head lopped off and frozen in some cryonics lab somewhere.) He is homeless, seemingly due to drug and alcohol problems that plagued in him the past. He claims to be two years sober and is now looking for work. What makes him different from all of the other homeless guys that accost my vehicle at the off ramps? Well, this guy actually has a marketable talent that he's hoping to let people know about so that he can find his way off of the street and back into regular life. The video is below. His talent will become obvious as soon as he opens his mouth. For some reason, folks have taken to calling him the Man With The Golden Voice. I don't know what a golden voice would sound like, but it's pretty amazing regardless.

Update on this story: The Cleveland Cavaliers have offered him a full-time job and a free house. I believe that he has accepted. Congratulations, Ted! Now get to work.

Update Part Deux: Originally, when posted on YouTube, this video had garnered over five million hits. This man's story is everywhere. Naturally, that's why the video was taken down due to a copyright claim by The Dispatch, the newspaper that broke this story (I think). What gives, Dispatch? A copyright claim? Are you serious? Wow, good thing that his story got out there before you and your copyright claims took the video down. Maybe if you had done that a little sooner, the guy would still be homeless and no one would know about him. Good idea. Thanks for nothing, Dispatch.

A Trololo Holiday Greeting

Here's a new one for you. I'm going to guess that you might be familiar with Eduard Khil, otherwise known as the Trololo (that's pronounced Tro-Lo-Lo) Man from YouTube. He's this Russian fellow who sings this song, the only words to which seem to be Tro Lo Lo. And he also appears to be very pleased with his own act while he does it. Take a gander.

Yeah, so I think that we can all agree that it's pretty flipping weird. Could it get any weirder? Oddly enough, just when you think that it can't, it absolutely can! I really don't know what to make of this, but maybe you'll have some ideas for me. This is the Gifford Children's Choir from Racine, Washington. All it says on YouTube is "Please accept this singing Christmas card from us to you. We hope it brings a smile to your face. Ho Ho Ho, Merry Christmas!" That doesn't tell me a thing! What does it mean?! Why are they all wearing masks like they're in Sliptknot or something?! Why are they "singing" that song?! (Is it really singing if all you do is say "Tro" and "Lo" in various keys with different emphasises? Emphasese? Emphasii?) It's completely without splick. That is to say that it's inexplicable. Watch and see.

He's Mister Heat Blister

Look, it's kind of late and I'm kind of tired. I had a long day fighting with outdoor Christmas lights. I eventually won, but the lights gave me a run for my money. So, in lieu of some heartfelt mocking, I think I'm going to go with a video clip from that lovely 1974 Rankin-Bass production "The Year Without A Santa Claus". It still amuses me to this day. And that's a good thing because after a day of wrangling with a bunch of little lights that would rather stay in a tangled ball than spread out on the rooftop looking all Christmas-y, I need a little amusement.

Students Who Don't Give A S***

Oh, The Onion. How I love you so. Good question. How do we accommodate students that just don't give a flying f**k?

In The Know: Are Tests Biased Against Students Who Don't Give A Shit?

The Internet Wants Another Word With You

The other day, I brought you the tale of a one self-indulgent (and highly annoying) 11-year old, Jessi Slaughter, who learned the hard way that the Innerwebs will ruin your life (and take great joy and pleasure in doing so) should you step so far out of line that it will practically take a cannon to shoot you back down to earth in an ever so humbling and extremely unpleasant manner. That experience resulted in Jessi posting another video of herself online, only that time, it wasn't so fun for her. No, she was sobbing and upset and her lunatic father was screaming some nonsense in the background. It made me happy. Sad for humanity, of course, but overall, I thoroughly enjoyed it. Little did I realize that there was more! More golden video from this incredibly inept and dysfunctional family unit.

Now, considering that the way that little Jessi got herself into trouble and wrought the havoc of the Internets (aka 4chan.org) was by posting videos of herself online, I'm more than a little surprised that she was allowed (and seemingly encouraged) by her parents to continue to do so. Then again, their parenting skills seem to have an awful lot to be desired, so I guess I shouldn't be that surprised. But I am. In a sad, sad way. I'm also glad. In a glad, glad way. Here is the latest nugget from this completely clueless girl and her completely clueless parents. The transcript (with commentary, naturally) is below.

Jessi: OK, this is Jessi Slaughter. I just wanted to tell you guys that you've ruined my life. My household has been torn. (something inaudible due to all of the weeping and the giant snot bubble stuck in her throat) Ever since you guys have been doing this. I haven't been able to do anything. (Good!)

Dad: And don't be saying suicide!

Jessi: I'm not! I'm saying I haven't been able to eat! I haven't been able to sleep!

Dad: And guess what? My daughter's not lyin'. And I'm not going to put up with any of you people's crap any more! If you ain't got somethin' nice to say about my daughter, then keep your mouth shut and any more of your comments are put on there I'm recording them all and they are being sent to...the..po-lice...department

Jessi (nodding in agreement with her clueless father): They have been being screen capped! (Yeah, no one cares about that.)

Dad: And your emails will be caught and will be found (it sounds like he says 'bound', but that doesn't make any sense. Not that the rest of what he says does make sense, I'm just sayin'.) You've said you're going to beat my daughter up? YOU will have to deal with the police. 'Cause you dun goofed. (It is here that she does a really odd thing. She puts her finger up to her lips as if to "shush" her dad. Um, we can see you. What is that all about? I'm open for suggestions.)

Now, mind you, when the clueless Dad is talking to the Innerwebs, the webcam on her computer (judging from the angle, I'd guess it's a laptop) isn't pointing at him. It's not even really pointing at a decent angle for her. The point here is that you only see dad from mid-torso down. It's half of a blue shirt and a pair of dark green khaki shorts which sport legs wearing shoes and socks. And it's yelling. It's a lovely look for those who have been recently mentally tortured by the Innerwebs.

And seriously, if you're using a phrase like "you dun goofed" whilst your attempting to defend your 11-year old daughter's absolutely inexcusable behavior, are you not just asking to have yourself turned into a meme right before our eyes? I'm pretty sure that you are.

Jessi: See? I haven't been able to eat or sleep...or...anything ever since this happened, I've been having emotional breakdowns in a row. (whimper, whimper)...hating on me....You know, whoever is making fun of me...(high pitched whine that caused three dogs to show up at my front door)...you're such a**holes. I didn't do anything wrong. I am just a fricking little girl and I know my shirt is going down! I know that! OK?! Don't call me a f**king whore for that, OK? I didn't mean...(high pitched whine again...three more dogs)...it's hard. And if you think I don't know Dahvie, I fricking DO know him. My mom has answered the phone. For him. OK? And he's been calling. And once he called when I was in school and my mom answered the f**king phone! (Very high pitched squeaking) Why are you being such a**holes??

Mom: Jessica! It's time to calm down. (She could have said "It's time to come down." No one in this family enunciates worth a damn.) It's time to come down.

Jessi: So, I....stop making fun of me! Stop it. Please.

Mom: Turn the camera off.

OK, I'm taking a whole slew of stuff from that little interchange (not the least of which is great enjoyment). There's a whole lot to like there. First of all, why is she still making videos? I'm kind of thinking that if my kid had wreaked that kind of havoc upon my home/trailer life, allowing her to go online and post MORE videos of herself would be the LAST thing I would do. (And her mom saying "Turn the camera off" is a phrase that should have been uttered quite some time ago. It also should have been followed by "Now hand over your computer.")

As far as some of Jessi's questions and requests, allow me to address them. "Why are you being such a**holes?" Um, did you see your other video? That's why. "Don't call me a f**king whore for that, OK?" Um, no. How about you wear a shirt that's a little more appropriate for an 11-year old? "Stop making fun of me." Stop making videos that induce all of the fun making.

But wait! There's more! The website momlogic managed to get an interview with Jessi's mother, Dianne. Will it surprise you to learn that she defended her daughter? Of course it won't. Will it possibly anger you? Of course it will. First of all, when asked if she knew that her daughter was posting these videos online, Dianne responded, "Jessica has a webcam and a computer. All of her friends have webcams, too, so they video chat with each other. I knew she'd made a video to apply for "America's Got Talent." She sings and sent an audition video in. I had no idea she was making other videos. I have seen her chatting with her friends, but not making videos." Wow. Could she be more clueless? Yeah, see, when I was a kid and I did things that I didn't want my parents to know about, I did it when they weren't around. That might have something to do with why you didn't see her making videos. (Does this woman need to have everything spelled out for her?)

The answer is "Yes!" When asked when it was that she found out about the videos and what her reaction was, she explained, "The (police) officers had said there were videos, but Jess denied making them. Then my mother-in-law called and said there were videos. But I haven't watched them. I can't be in the room 24/7. We tried to talk to Jess last night, but she got very upset all over again. I am trying to get her back to normal. It's taken a very emotional toll on her. I don't know if she made these videos or not, but she says she didn't. Right now, I am trying to figure out what's real and what's not. This has been very difficult to deal with." Oh, for cryin' out loud. What?!

So, police officers have said that there are videos. Your mother-in-law said that there were videos. You haven't watched the alleged videos. But your daughter continues to deny making them. Your life, however, is in turmoil. And you're still believing her? You won't take a few minutes to watch the videos that she allegedly made? Why in the world would you not? Wow. You should not be a parent. I don't usually pass judgment that blatantly around here (I prefer to be a little more subtle and a lot more funny), but come on, lady. Good Lord...

The rest of the article is simply unbelievable. I highly recommend that you read it. I love it when people who are as clueless as her mother is just speak freely as if they think that everyone in the world will agree with their point of view. Yeah, not so much. This woman has no intention of changing her child's behavior. How do I come to that conclusion? Probably from her answer to the question "What message do you have for other moms?" That answer was as follows: "Communicate with your child, try and watch them and try and believe what your child is saying to you. Give your child the benefit of the doubt, because nobody else will. And talk to your child about cyberbullying and about how bad it's going to hurt another person. They don't know or understand the dwindling-down effect of what they've created." Wait. What now?

Believe what your child is saying to you?! Lady, you dumbass, your kid is lying to you! She DID make those videos! And you're believing that she didn't because she says she didn't? Wow. And give your kid the benefit of the doubt? That's the last thing you should do! By the way, please DO take your own advice and DO talk to your child about cyberbullying. Granted, I don't know if I'd call what she did cyberbullying, but telling people that she's going to pop a glock in their mouth and make a brain slushie is going to really anger the Innerwebs. And as far as the effect of what they've created, do you realize that the only one to blame for what has been created is your daughter? She's the only one. This is her doing. I understand that Jessi was placed in protective custody for the weekend. It's unfortunate that she couldn't have stayed there.

Read the interview over at momlogic (it's linked above). It's seriously unbelievable. I wish that I could live in that perpetual state of denial. Holy crap. And I'm going to just guess that a lot of the havoc that has poured down upon the life of Jessi and her parents isn't going to stop any time soon. I can't imagine that it will stop without her mother having at least watched the videos that she had made. Tell you what, Jessi's clueless mother...how about you watch the videos that your daughter made and that over a million other people have watched and then the Internet might consider backing off. In the meantime, enjoy those thousands of pizzas that I understand were ordered to be delivered to your home. Oh, and the hookers that were ordered up as well. Can't have a really good pizza party without some hookers!

If BP Spilled Coffee

The BP guys seem to have finally stopped the oil leak. Oil spill? It doesn't really seem like it should be called a spill. Sure, there's ooze spilling out of the ground, but the oil wasn't really spilled, so I don't know what they're calling it (other than the biggest environmental F-up that one could possibly imagine). They are worried that the well is now leaking methane, but so are most senior citizens that I know, so I'm not sure how big of a deal that really is. Anyway, in honor of this disaster possibly being on the way to being cleaned up (they're never going to be able to "fix" it no matter what they say; we both know that), I present to you a video that you, quite likely, have already seen. It's what would happen if BP spilled coffee. Given the fact that the ocean is filled with a gazillion tons of goo which is now washing ashore in the form of, among other things, tar balls (and if you suspect that you have tar balls, please, see your doctor immediately), this imagined reaction doesn't seem so farfetched.

The Internet Wants A Word With You

You know what I'm a big fan of? People getting their come-uppance, that is correct. People being put in their place and learning that the universe does not revolve around them is a close second. Both of those two occurring at the same time? Priceless.

The Internets, while fun places for social networking, taking in media and information, as well as being a vast warehouse for oodles and oodles of porn, can be ugly places sometimes. And if you're a stuck up, smack talking, seriously delusional 11-year old, you're going to learn the ugly sides of the Interwebs in ways that you did not know were possible. And it will be pretty entertaining, I'll tell you what.

Take, for example, the case of a one Jessi Slaughter (not her real name, but catchy, no?). Jessi is 11. Jessi, for some reason, likes to post videos of herself on YouTube while she's talking smack and acting as if she's all that. (She's 11. How "that" could she even be?) Judging from these videos, this kid is in need of some serious parenting. That would include them monitoring what in the world she is doing on the computer. Just for starters. See, she posts videos like the one below of herself. Now, listen, I will acknowledge that it's hard to watch. I want to punch people like her. (Oh, yeah. I forgot. She's only 11. OK. Let me rephrase that. I want to bend down and punch people like her. Better?) So I'm going to provide you with a little transcript of her rantings. Granted, it's not as hard to take when you aren't listening to her squeaking, self-important voice droning on, but it's still annoying as can be. And look, I know it's kind of long. But it's fairly necessary to really understand what we're dealing with. Here we go...

"This is Jessi Slaughter here and this is to all of you f**king haters. OK. Guess what? You guys are bitches. You know what? You don't phase me. (That statement will prove to be sorely untrue later on.) I'm just doin' this just so you can...tell. I read the comments. I read the messages. (something inaudible) But you know what? I don't give a f**k. I'm happy with my life, OK? If you can't, like, realize that and stop hating, then you know what? I'll pop a glock in your mouth and make a brain slushie. OK? 'Cause you hater bitches? You're just like, jealous of me. I'm just saying. You're jealous of me because ONE. I'm more pretty than you. I have more friends. More people like me. I have more fans. And...um...yeah. And all that sh*t. I can't think of any more right now because I'm brain dead and it's like, 10:19 in the morning and I just woke up like...midnight? OK, but it's like early in the morning, so I'm like brain dead right now. So I can't think of anything. But, haters...stop hatin' on me. You're just jealous 'cause I'm perfect and you're not. Nobody else can be this pretty with no makeup on. None what so ever. Oh, and by the way, I did get my lip pierced. Here's the hole. My mom made me take it out because I'm getting new ones which are going to be closer in. But, um, just sayin' stuff. Stop hatin' on me. I'm just a normal girl who is perfect in every way and you're just jealous. Why am I making all these gestures? I'm just weird. I know that. But, you guys are just jealous because I have a perfect boyfriend. I do. And you guys are just jealous because I have three. (Insert weird deformed hand gesture here.) So, yeah. Jealousy much? So...um, I'd just shut your mouths before you make a fool of yourselves again. So, yeah. Oh! And you guys? And my fans? Please hate on the haters. But, um, and I'm not nine. I'm eleven. And I don't consider myself 'scene' or 'emo'. That's just something I put on my videos and I just say I'm that so that people can be like all...'Cause if I say what I am, people will be like...'cause I'm not 'scene'. I'm not 'emo'. I'm nothing! I don't even choose labels. I don't. I do not. And if you guys like consider and, um, begin like label me and sh*t, then you guys are the actual posers. I'm not a poser. How can I be a poser being myself? So, yeah. And don't try and make smart comments at me because I've got like a sh*tload of comeback. (You'll see her 'comeback' later. It's not pretty.) So, and if you hate me, you know what? Suck my non-existing penis, OK? Just suck it. Get AIDS and die. You know what? Fist yourself to your little bestiality magazines, get a paper cut on your f**king little c**t or d**k and hope the bitch falls off. OK? Get AIDS and die. Suck a dick and die. Anyway, Stickydrama sh*t. I will put some sh*t in the crotch bar. So, um, a link to the sh*t that's been happening on Stickydrama lately involving me and my homie, Daddy. He's not here, but I'm pointing for some reason. What the f**k? But, um, some bullsh*t that's been going on between us, but we got it all settled. My mom been talkin' to him. Thank God for my mom. Yeah, but, um, I'm gettin' my coon tails. F**k yeah. Coon tails. Um, why am I making these stupid things? I'm gettin' coon tails and I'm gonna get my snakies and...what else is going on in my life? But, um, I'm going to wrap up this video before it starts like...um....goin' wrong. But haters? F**k you. It's a big f**k you to all those haters. K? Love ya all. (Weirdly blows a weird kiss to the webcam.) Bye. Check out my Stickydrama. (Points down. Ewww.)

See what I mean? Hard. To. Take. (By the way, what in the hell are coon tails? Like Davy Crockett?) And everyone hates that kind of person. I think that we hate that kind of kid even more, but people don't want to admit it because it's a kid. I'm not sure what difference that makes. A douchebag is a douchebag. There's no age limit. At least, I'm not imposing one. And I am not the only one who feels that way. I'm certainly not the only one who felt that way.

On the Internet, there are some sites where people will band together for a cause, any cause, and do the cause proud. That's not to say that the cause is anything to be proud of, but sometimes, it most certainly is. In the case of this chick, the folks over there at 4Chan.org's /b/ board, and Tumblr got the word out to hammer on this chick. Because she's 11 and apparently under zero parental supervision, it was likely that she had posted a bunch of her personal information on the Internets. According to the gawking folks over at

Gawker,"People started circulating Jessi's real name, phone number, address and links to all her social networking accounts." And if that wasn't enough, "...pranksters spammed her Facebook and MySpace accounts, had pizzas delivered to her house and were considering sending call girls off Craigslist to the address." Ooohhh. Ordering up hookers. Nice touch, 4chan. Nice touch, indeed!

And what did all of that get us? That got us another video of hilarity, this time involving the likes of Jessi sobbing and blubbering because her life has been ruined AND the likes of her father screaming out absolutely hilarious sentences to the webcam. He's sporting the weird pedophile moustache and comes across as Billy Mays on cocaine (which is what killed him). That's right. He's screaming to the Internets. Quite amusing. Allow me to provide you with a transcript of that as well.

Jessi: "OK, you guys. This is Jessi Slaughter here and.."
Dad: "You know what?! ..."
Jessi: "...and I just wanted to say that you guys have ruined my life!"
Dad: "I'm going to tell you right now..."
Jessi: "This is from...my Dad..."
Dad:"Her father! You bunch of lyin', no good punks! And I know who it's comin' from! Because I BACKTRACED it! And I know who's emailin' and who's doin' it! And you'll be reported to the cyber police! AND the state police! And they had better write one more thing (I think he means that they had better NOT write one more thing, but he's a crazed lunatic so it's understandable that he has no idea what he's saying.) or screw with my computer again, you'll be arrested! End of conversation! From HER FATHER! And if you come near my daughter, guess what?! Consequences will never be the same! (Uh, what does that even mean?) You lyin' bunch of pricks!"
Jessi: "See? My house has been like this. Ever since people have been posting stuff about me....I can't live like this..."
Mom: "I want to live in PEACE."
Jessi: "I have toured(?). I am literally...I have been having emotional breakdowns one after the other. For the past like...three days."
Mom: "You've been sick! You can't sleep! You can't eat! Because of them f**kers!"
Jessi: "Yeesss! You guys! This is really tearing me apart right now. I've been crying my eyes out if you haven't noticed that. Just stop hating. Do you have to ruin my f**king life?"

Awesome. I must address the father's rant. First of all, I love how he makes it clear that he is her father. Can I assume that he thinks that this is a bunch of other eleven year olds that has made his life a living hell? (By the way, it would have been nicer if he had stepped up and acted like a father before his daughter told the Innerwebs to F-off. I'm just sayin'.) Second, he "backtraced it"? What does that even mean? He doesn't seem like he's bright enough to backtrace his steps out of a room, let alone someone's email. Third, who are the cyber police? Are they like the dream police? Do they live inside of my head? Do they come to me in my bed? What on earth is he talking about? And finally, what consequences will never be the same? How will they be different? And different than what? Consequences? That doesn't sound so bad, really.

What can we learn from all of this? Plenty. First of all, parents? Know what your kids are doing online. Does your 11-year old kid really need a computer in their room? I'm not so sure that they do. In fact, I'm pretty sure that they don't. Does this 11-year old kid need a computer in her room? Absolutely not. Kids and webcams seem to be a bad idea if you're asking me. Ever hear of parental control software? Try using it. But before you do that, how about you bone up on your parenting skills in general, OK? If you're raising a kid to have the sort of attitude that ol' Jessi has there, you're doing something wrong. And I certainly hope that Jessi can learn something from all of this. People don't like the kind of person that she appears to be. People don't like getting "called out" by a snotty 11-year old. Remember during her initial screed where she said "I've got a sh*tload of comeback"? THAT was her comeback? Sobbing uncontrollably because her life has been turned upside down by the Innerwebs? You're eleven, sweetie. Knock it off.

I know that some might think that this was a bit harsh. And while it was harsh, I'm not seeing much of a problem with it. The kid was totally out of line, not to mention annoying as hell. People like her make other people's lives miserable...and they enjoy it. Of course, they don't enjoy it quite so much once their own life has been made miserable. And with some people, they need something like this to knock them back into reality. Granted, this shouldn't be necessary because there should be things like responsible parents to keep the kid in line. No one wants a society with a bunch of little a-holes running around and shooting off their mouths. Look at it this way: Lesson learned. One down. Many more to go, but still, one down.

What's With The Macaroni And Cheese?

Parents. Well, parent in this case. What is wrong with some of them? Well, what is wrong with this one in this case. There are a number of things wrong with the mom (or supposed to be adult caretaker). These will be pointed out by the narrator of this disturbing clip, a one Tosh.0. (That's pronounced Tosh Point Oh. I don't know why. I don't know what it means. He is wearing a stunning purple sweater vest, however.) But really, the biggest question here is: "What would lead anyone to think that this is OK?" The second most nagging question here would be: "Is pouring dry Kraft Macaroni and Cheese all over yourself supposed to be sexy?" ('Cause it's not!) Yeah, I don't get that part at all. If you do understand the mac n'cheese bit and can explain it to me, please do. But I'm talking about a logical explanation. I don't want an obvious explanation along the lines of "Just look at her!" I am looking at her! And it hurts my eyes!

Tosh.0
Guess What Happens Next - Bad Mom Strips for Kids
http://www.comedycentral.com/
Web Redemption 2 Girls, 1 Cup Reaction Demi Moore Picture

A Disappointed Idol Fan

You know, I realize that American Idol is one of the top shows on American television. I get that. But when I see videos like the one below, it concerns me about just who the people are who are watching the show. I can only hope (and pray a lot) that the majority are not like the woman below. This woman (seemingly) gets very into American Idol. She seems to have a lot of emotion invested in the show. And it became clear to me after the announcement of the winner, that this woman (with a lot of emotion invested) was not a Lee Dewyze fan. It's hard to say if it was all of the shrieking that she was doing (while her shirtless husband attempted to read on the couch behind her) or if it was her yelling something about how her life was now ruined (and let me tell you, judging from her almost massive girth and the trailer that she seems to live in, I don't know that her life was all that pristine to begin with), but she was upset. Darn near hysterical. You would have thought the Beatles were in town (and that it was 1964).

The entertaining, but slightly unnerving, video of this woman flipping out is below. Please turn your sound down low and make sure that any dogs that have sensitive ears are out of earshot. They'll howl the way that they do when a fire engine drives by. Also, there's a little red box that says "Part 2" that is hovering in the screen the entire time. Don't click on it. It's not a Part 2. It's some sort of "Obama Deception" video. I mean, if you're into that sort of crap, by all means, click away. But if you're clicking because you're expecting to see more of this highly emotional woman, don't bother. You'll just be irritated that the dillweed put it on that video in anticipation that people would click it.

Happy Fifth Anniversary First YouTube Video

Yesterday was the fifth anniversary of the first video ever uploaded to YouTube. If you're expecting something monumental or visionary or anything other than boring as hell, you're going to be disappointed. The video consists merely of am 18-second clip of Jawed Karim, the co-founder of YouTube at...are you ready for it?....At...the San Diego zoo. That's right. The zoo. Not any sort of behind the scenes tour at the zoo (whatever that would even consist of) or anything like that. Nope. Just the zoo. The elephants to be exact.

OK, it's not JUST the elephants. Because that would be silly...or something. No, Jawed (is that like Jared with a lisp?) gives us commentary on the elephants. 18 seconds of pachyderm commentary. How exciting. And groundbreaking. But not much else. And actually, I was lying about the exciting part.

"All right. So, here we are, in front of the elephants. And the cool thing about these guys is that they have really, really, really long, uh...trunks. And that's...that's cool. And that's pretty much all there is to say."

That's pretty much all there is to say? That's a little bit more than I would have expected there would have been to say. They're freaking elephants. What did you expect there to be to say about them? Big ears. Long trunks. Impressive tusks. Back to you.

New iPhone 3GS + Video: New York 5 Train

I'm usually not a technological first adopter, whether it's hardware or software (except in peculiar cases, like Gifbuilder some years ago), but I did sign on for the original first-generation iPhone in the fall of 2007, after several fond years of using my RAZR phone with inconsistent Verizon Wireless service, and despite a vow from the mid-1990s that I wouldn't be using AT&T services again if I could help it. But I couldn't: our monopolistic capitalist system affords service carriers exclusive rights, so with the iPhone came AT&T.

I love Apple's products. I love(d) the phone. I love(d) it even more after the iPhone App store debuted. I didn't and don't love the service, which is prone to disappearing ("No Service") in various portions of the 3rd City, such as the university's parking lot, Sheridan Road as it curves from Evanston into Chicago, near Humboldt Park, on Lake Shore Drive at various points before you reach Michigan Avenue, etc. It also flickers in ghostly fashion in Jersey City near Jersey Street, not far from the old, iconic Colgate sign, which makes me wonder if that relic is radioactive, or if something else is breaking the signal.

No rants today, though, because as of Friday I will be continuing on with this same carrier, unless Congress finds a spine and breaks the service carrier monopoly policies, for two more years. I ordered and got the new iPhone 3G S. Almost as soon as I read about it online, I coveted one. The primary reasons were the improved speed, the possibility of better and more consistent phone connections when I'm in Chicago, and, above all, the video camera. The video camera! As J's Theater readers know, I am a terrible photographer but inveterate photomane. I love snapping pictures. I especially love snapping digital pictures (though I will not ever get rid of our 35 mm camera.) And I really enjoy taking video clips. My RAZR did not have one, and the first generation and even original 3G didn't either. So now instead of regularly carrying 2 (or even 3) cameras, as I'm wont to do, I will only have to carry 1, which also happens to be a phone, a DJ, a library, a clock and stopwatch, a news aggregator, a musical instrument, a computer, a....

Here's my second iPhone 3G S video, from last Friday, on the 5 train. I groaned when these artistes boarded the car, because they were following another charmer who claimed to have served in Iraq, but their playing was a rousing accompaniment up to 42nd Street.

Laugh to Keep from Crying

Here's a challenge to all the J's Theater readers that have sound-editing skills. Can you come up with a more plausible soundtrack than this? If you create one that sounds like it really is coming from Iranian speedboats, I'll post it here on the site. (You may have to post it first at YouTube so I can embed.) Let's get so artists-pros in on the act. (The farce below--you have to listen to the very end--would be comical, if its potential consequences weren't so horrific.)