The Internet Wants A Word With You

You know what I'm a big fan of? People getting their come-uppance, that is correct. People being put in their place and learning that the universe does not revolve around them is a close second. Both of those two occurring at the same time? Priceless.

The Internets, while fun places for social networking, taking in media and information, as well as being a vast warehouse for oodles and oodles of porn, can be ugly places sometimes. And if you're a stuck up, smack talking, seriously delusional 11-year old, you're going to learn the ugly sides of the Interwebs in ways that you did not know were possible. And it will be pretty entertaining, I'll tell you what.

Take, for example, the case of a one Jessi Slaughter (not her real name, but catchy, no?). Jessi is 11. Jessi, for some reason, likes to post videos of herself on YouTube while she's talking smack and acting as if she's all that. (She's 11. How "that" could she even be?) Judging from these videos, this kid is in need of some serious parenting. That would include them monitoring what in the world she is doing on the computer. Just for starters. See, she posts videos like the one below of herself. Now, listen, I will acknowledge that it's hard to watch. I want to punch people like her. (Oh, yeah. I forgot. She's only 11. OK. Let me rephrase that. I want to bend down and punch people like her. Better?) So I'm going to provide you with a little transcript of her rantings. Granted, it's not as hard to take when you aren't listening to her squeaking, self-important voice droning on, but it's still annoying as can be. And look, I know it's kind of long. But it's fairly necessary to really understand what we're dealing with. Here we go...

"This is Jessi Slaughter here and this is to all of you f**king haters. OK. Guess what? You guys are bitches. You know what? You don't phase me. (That statement will prove to be sorely untrue later on.) I'm just doin' this just so you can...tell. I read the comments. I read the messages. (something inaudible) But you know what? I don't give a f**k. I'm happy with my life, OK? If you can't, like, realize that and stop hating, then you know what? I'll pop a glock in your mouth and make a brain slushie. OK? 'Cause you hater bitches? You're just like, jealous of me. I'm just saying. You're jealous of me because ONE. I'm more pretty than you. I have more friends. More people like me. I have more fans. And...um...yeah. And all that sh*t. I can't think of any more right now because I'm brain dead and it's like, 10:19 in the morning and I just woke up like...midnight? OK, but it's like early in the morning, so I'm like brain dead right now. So I can't think of anything. But, haters...stop hatin' on me. You're just jealous 'cause I'm perfect and you're not. Nobody else can be this pretty with no makeup on. None what so ever. Oh, and by the way, I did get my lip pierced. Here's the hole. My mom made me take it out because I'm getting new ones which are going to be closer in. But, um, just sayin' stuff. Stop hatin' on me. I'm just a normal girl who is perfect in every way and you're just jealous. Why am I making all these gestures? I'm just weird. I know that. But, you guys are just jealous because I have a perfect boyfriend. I do. And you guys are just jealous because I have three. (Insert weird deformed hand gesture here.) So, yeah. Jealousy much? So...um, I'd just shut your mouths before you make a fool of yourselves again. So, yeah. Oh! And you guys? And my fans? Please hate on the haters. But, um, and I'm not nine. I'm eleven. And I don't consider myself 'scene' or 'emo'. That's just something I put on my videos and I just say I'm that so that people can be like all...'Cause if I say what I am, people will be like...'cause I'm not 'scene'. I'm not 'emo'. I'm nothing! I don't even choose labels. I don't. I do not. And if you guys like consider and, um, begin like label me and sh*t, then you guys are the actual posers. I'm not a poser. How can I be a poser being myself? So, yeah. And don't try and make smart comments at me because I've got like a sh*tload of comeback. (You'll see her 'comeback' later. It's not pretty.) So, and if you hate me, you know what? Suck my non-existing penis, OK? Just suck it. Get AIDS and die. You know what? Fist yourself to your little bestiality magazines, get a paper cut on your f**king little c**t or d**k and hope the bitch falls off. OK? Get AIDS and die. Suck a dick and die. Anyway, Stickydrama sh*t. I will put some sh*t in the crotch bar. So, um, a link to the sh*t that's been happening on Stickydrama lately involving me and my homie, Daddy. He's not here, but I'm pointing for some reason. What the f**k? But, um, some bullsh*t that's been going on between us, but we got it all settled. My mom been talkin' to him. Thank God for my mom. Yeah, but, um, I'm gettin' my coon tails. F**k yeah. Coon tails. Um, why am I making these stupid things? I'm gettin' coon tails and I'm gonna get my snakies and...what else is going on in my life? But, um, I'm going to wrap up this video before it starts like...um....goin' wrong. But haters? F**k you. It's a big f**k you to all those haters. K? Love ya all. (Weirdly blows a weird kiss to the webcam.) Bye. Check out my Stickydrama. (Points down. Ewww.)

See what I mean? Hard. To. Take. (By the way, what in the hell are coon tails? Like Davy Crockett?) And everyone hates that kind of person. I think that we hate that kind of kid even more, but people don't want to admit it because it's a kid. I'm not sure what difference that makes. A douchebag is a douchebag. There's no age limit. At least, I'm not imposing one. And I am not the only one who feels that way. I'm certainly not the only one who felt that way.

On the Internet, there are some sites where people will band together for a cause, any cause, and do the cause proud. That's not to say that the cause is anything to be proud of, but sometimes, it most certainly is. In the case of this chick, the folks over there at 4Chan.org's /b/ board, and Tumblr got the word out to hammer on this chick. Because she's 11 and apparently under zero parental supervision, it was likely that she had posted a bunch of her personal information on the Internets. According to the gawking folks over at

Gawker,"People started circulating Jessi's real name, phone number, address and links to all her social networking accounts." And if that wasn't enough, "...pranksters spammed her Facebook and MySpace accounts, had pizzas delivered to her house and were considering sending call girls off Craigslist to the address." Ooohhh. Ordering up hookers. Nice touch, 4chan. Nice touch, indeed!

And what did all of that get us? That got us another video of hilarity, this time involving the likes of Jessi sobbing and blubbering because her life has been ruined AND the likes of her father screaming out absolutely hilarious sentences to the webcam. He's sporting the weird pedophile moustache and comes across as Billy Mays on cocaine (which is what killed him). That's right. He's screaming to the Internets. Quite amusing. Allow me to provide you with a transcript of that as well.

Jessi: "OK, you guys. This is Jessi Slaughter here and.."
Dad: "You know what?! ..."
Jessi: "...and I just wanted to say that you guys have ruined my life!"
Dad: "I'm going to tell you right now..."
Jessi: "This is from...my Dad..."
Dad:"Her father! You bunch of lyin', no good punks! And I know who it's comin' from! Because I BACKTRACED it! And I know who's emailin' and who's doin' it! And you'll be reported to the cyber police! AND the state police! And they had better write one more thing (I think he means that they had better NOT write one more thing, but he's a crazed lunatic so it's understandable that he has no idea what he's saying.) or screw with my computer again, you'll be arrested! End of conversation! From HER FATHER! And if you come near my daughter, guess what?! Consequences will never be the same! (Uh, what does that even mean?) You lyin' bunch of pricks!"
Jessi: "See? My house has been like this. Ever since people have been posting stuff about me....I can't live like this..."
Mom: "I want to live in PEACE."
Jessi: "I have toured(?). I am literally...I have been having emotional breakdowns one after the other. For the past like...three days."
Mom: "You've been sick! You can't sleep! You can't eat! Because of them f**kers!"
Jessi: "Yeesss! You guys! This is really tearing me apart right now. I've been crying my eyes out if you haven't noticed that. Just stop hating. Do you have to ruin my f**king life?"

Awesome. I must address the father's rant. First of all, I love how he makes it clear that he is her father. Can I assume that he thinks that this is a bunch of other eleven year olds that has made his life a living hell? (By the way, it would have been nicer if he had stepped up and acted like a father before his daughter told the Innerwebs to F-off. I'm just sayin'.) Second, he "backtraced it"? What does that even mean? He doesn't seem like he's bright enough to backtrace his steps out of a room, let alone someone's email. Third, who are the cyber police? Are they like the dream police? Do they live inside of my head? Do they come to me in my bed? What on earth is he talking about? And finally, what consequences will never be the same? How will they be different? And different than what? Consequences? That doesn't sound so bad, really.

What can we learn from all of this? Plenty. First of all, parents? Know what your kids are doing online. Does your 11-year old kid really need a computer in their room? I'm not so sure that they do. In fact, I'm pretty sure that they don't. Does this 11-year old kid need a computer in her room? Absolutely not. Kids and webcams seem to be a bad idea if you're asking me. Ever hear of parental control software? Try using it. But before you do that, how about you bone up on your parenting skills in general, OK? If you're raising a kid to have the sort of attitude that ol' Jessi has there, you're doing something wrong. And I certainly hope that Jessi can learn something from all of this. People don't like the kind of person that she appears to be. People don't like getting "called out" by a snotty 11-year old. Remember during her initial screed where she said "I've got a sh*tload of comeback"? THAT was her comeback? Sobbing uncontrollably because her life has been turned upside down by the Innerwebs? You're eleven, sweetie. Knock it off.

I know that some might think that this was a bit harsh. And while it was harsh, I'm not seeing much of a problem with it. The kid was totally out of line, not to mention annoying as hell. People like her make other people's lives miserable...and they enjoy it. Of course, they don't enjoy it quite so much once their own life has been made miserable. And with some people, they need something like this to knock them back into reality. Granted, this shouldn't be necessary because there should be things like responsible parents to keep the kid in line. No one wants a society with a bunch of little a-holes running around and shooting off their mouths. Look at it this way: Lesson learned. One down. Many more to go, but still, one down.