Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Go Away, Jennifer

I believe the day has finally come that everyone else is as sick of hearing about Jennifer Aniston as I am. And not a moment too soon, either. How do I know this? I have a most awesome example/source to share with you.

Apparently, Jen Aniston is the pitchwoman or spokeshole for something called SmartWater. Now, while I find the concept of bottled water anything but smart (how much of it really comes from the special glaciers that the company claims and how much of it comes from the tap?), I find the SmartWater people to be rather smart in that they're making their fortune off of the simpletons that buy their products. These are the same folks who make VitaminWater. VitaminWater, as you may or may not be aware, has a name that makes it sound like a good thing, but in reality, it's pretty much crap. It won't make you healthier. It will only lighten the load in your wallet. Eventually though, you might end up feeling stupider, but that's not a guarantee. Plenty of people still buy this crap, so who knows when, if ever, that side effect will occur.

But I digress. Where was I? Oh, right. The SmartWater spokeshole, Jen Aniston. She has made a marketing video (otherwise known as an advertisement) for these SmartWater charlatans and the goal is for the video to go viral. At one point in the video, she kicks a poor, unsuspecting dude right in the nuts because, as she explains to the writhing sap, "...apparently that's worth about 100,000 hits." Poor guy. At the rate that her "viral video" is "taking off" his scrotum is going to be in shreds before it gets anywhere close to 100,000 hits.

Now, I first read about this stunt early yesterday. When I went to check how many hits it had on YouTube, it was up to a whopping (brace yourself) 304. Not 304,000. 304. And as I write this, it is about 9:30pm yesterday. Upon my re-checking of the video, it has now garnered a whopping 1,014 views. Not 1,014,000 views. 1,014. It even has more dislikes(1,365) than it has views. I don't know how that works, exactly, but I think it says something.

And the something it says it that we don't care about Jennifer Aniston anymore. Yes, she's hot. But that's all she has going for her. Have you ever heard her interviews? It's like listening to a pair of teats nailed to a wooden board. Sure, they're nice to look at and all, but there's no substance. There's nothing there. And after a while, even the looking good gets old. Sure, we loved her as Rachel, but that's because she had a great supporting cast on Friends. If it was just The Rachel Show, it would have been off the air quicker than Joey was. Her movies have never been any good and I think that she should just stop trying so hard and go away for a while. That video, is never going viral. If 2,000 people ever see it, I'll be shocked. Just go away, Jen. You're beautiful and you used to be funny, but please just go away. Clearly, by the lack of hits to your "viral" video, most folks would appreciate it. Please go. Now.

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