That Was A Close Shave

Flori-duh. It's the gift that keeps on giving. Florida continues to keep it's deathgrip on the title of America's wackiest state. And it's awesome. I couldn't make this stuff up, nor would I even dare to hope for stuff this good. And seriously, this one? Oh, this one is good, all right. When I say things like "most people probably shouldn't vote", these folks are who I'm talking about.

We're going down to the Florida Keys where keysnews.com reports on a two car accident that was caused, in part, by the inattention of one of the drivers. Now, if you're thinking "texting while driving", you'd be wrong. Good guess, but far from the case in this instance. You're going to need to think of something a whole heck of a lot less normal than texting while driving in order to fully grasp what it was which had this driver's attention and played a key role in the crash. You know what? Go ahead and think of something really wacky and so not normal that you're going to have a hard time figuring out how it was occurring, much less why it was occurring, all right? All rightee then.

It would seem that a one 37-year old (and old enough to know better) Megan Mariah Barnes was driving "...her 1995 Thunderbird at 11 a.m. when they slammed into the back of a 2006 Chevrolet pickup." At the time of the accident, while Ms. Barnes was in the driver's seat, she did not exactly have control over the vehicle. That is because (brace yourselves) she was having her ex-husband (who was sitting in the passenger's seat) steer the car for her. You see, she was preoccupied with other things. Things such as shaving her privates. Wait. What now?

Correct. Ms. Barnes was in the middle of shaving her genital area whilst her car hurtled 40mph+ down the road as her ex-husband steered it (and steered it poorly, from what I can gather). Now, wait! Before you go getting all judgmental here or anything, let me explain why. Oh, that's right. There's a reason that she was doing this. See, she "...was meeting her boyfriend in Key West and wanted to be ready for the visit." She was what now?

Actually, let's just hold on for just a minute here. Let's take a look at what Ms. Barnes looks like in her mugshot, shall we? I've gotta say that she looks pretty much like I would have figured. She just has that "I was shaving my cootchie on the way to the Keys" look about her for some reason. Behold!

See? About what you pictured? I told you. Anyway, let's move on. So, she has her ex-husband in the car with her on the way to meet her boyfriend. Her ex-husband is assisting her in this odd, odd little endeavor from over there in the passenger seat? Really? There aren't a whole lot of things that I'd do for any of my exes, but of the things that I would actually consider doing, this would never even come close to being one of them. ("Honey? Will you take the wheel for a moment? I need to shave my private area so that my new boyfriend will be pleased with the state of my genitalia?" "You want me to drive while you shave your privates? Sure. No problem. Can I lather you up?" Yeah, that's a conversation I can guarantee that I'm never having with anyone. Ex or current!)

The article goes on to say that Ms. Barnes "...was not supposed to be driving and her 1995 Ford Thunderbird was not supposed to be on the road." It would appear that only the day before this ridiculous incident Ms. Barnes "...was convicted...of DUI with a prior and driving with a suspended license." She was then "...ordered to impound her car, and her driver's license was revoked for five years, after which time she must have a Breathalyzer ignition interlock device on any vehicle she drives." On top of that, she "...was sentenced to nine months' probation." OK, then. This woman should never be behind the wheel. She definitely shouldn't be behind the wheel with a razor, but then again, neither should anyone!

Here's another bit of amusement from this vat of weirdness: After the collision, the woman continued to drive for about another half mile. That's when, since she didn't have a valid license and all, she switched seats with her ex-husband, a one Charles Judy. And before I continue, I just want to question this relationship. I don't know how it is that she has such a hold on this guy that she could get him to steer for her while she shaves her genitals on her way to meet her boyfriend, and then to switch seats with her so that he could be at fault for the accident and leaving the scene?! I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that he grow a pair. Mind you, I'm not going to suggest that he shave them while he drive, but I am going to suggest the growing of said pair. Now, where was I? Oh, right. The trooper.

Now, according to the trooper, a one Trooper Gary Dunick, "She jumps in the back seat and he moves over. It was like the old comedy bit, 'Who's on first?' " Um, excuse me? Sir, I've heard the old comedy bit "Who's on first?" It was NOTHING like that. Nothing at all! I'm pretty sure that neither Abbott, NOR Costello, ever shaved themselves during that bit. Pretty sure of that. It's been a while since I've heard it, but I'm fairly comfortable with asserting that there was no shaving going on. None. Not even a little. Not even any Nair. (Wait. Did Abbott wax from time to time? Never mind. I digress.) That bit was simply wordplay, sir. No switching places ever occurred. ::: sigh :::
Ms. Barnes went to jail and was charged with a number of things, none of which was stupidity, unfortunately. Mr. Judy, however, was not charged with anything including stupidity. And while I know that stupid isn't a crime, I'm wishing they could have charged him or at least locked him up for six months solely on principle. That principle is the one that you're a guy who helps his ex-wife shave her genitals while she drives so that her private areas are all nice and clean for her new man! Laws based upon general principles dictated by specific situations. Hmmmm. I like the idea. It would never fly with all of those like the aforementioned Mr. Judy, but I really like the idea.