Jessica Simpson: Amateur Sociologist

So, SO much wackiness to choose from today! I had a hard time choosing. First I thought about the abhorrent Mackenzie Phillips and her "new" face which seems to have cost her around $50,000. Huh. (That might explain the inexplicable book that she "wrote" in which she revealed that she willingly slept with her father. Then again, I don't know that you could get me to have a similar revelation for only 50 grand, so I'm back to thinking that she's just a nutjob.) There was Todd Bridges and his uncovering of the thankfully long time, but not long enough, secret that he, at the lowest of his drug abusing days, was wearing a diaper. (Why you wouldn't continue to keep something like that a secret, I can't even begin to imagine, but I'm guessing it would be money? Perhaps? There was even the guy who sold his wife for sex on craiglist. (craigslist. Is there anything that it can't do?) But none of those could really hold a candle to the new Jessica Simpson VH1 series The Price of Beauty which debuted a couple of days ago. (I know! I hadn't heard a thing about it and I missed it too!)

Here's the gist of this train wreck (not that I needed the gist to know that it was going to be a train wreck; call it a hunch) according to the huffy folks over at The Huffington Post: Simpson "...travels the globe with two friends, hair stylist Ken Paves and former assistant Cacee Cobb, to examine people's efforts to measure up to their society's standard of beauty. The goal is to empower women to accept themselves and ultimately understand that no one, not even celebrities, are perfect." OK...show of hands here of folks who already knew that celebrities were not perfect. Oh, look at that! Everyone reading this knew that already! I'm shocked. No, really.

WHO thought this would be a good idea? I can't imagine, but I must share this screen shot of the search results that I received when searching for more about this shot. Behold!

I'm sure that's pretty close to accurate. "Monday's premiere attracted just 1." And the 1 was probably her dog. (Do animals count when they do those things? I think they do for shows like that, otherwise they'd lose half their ratings.)

Now then, have you heard some of her words of wisdom from this show? Good Lord. You're in for a treat. It's like they're portraying her as some sort of Margaret Mead-Dian Fossey type. It's odd, odd, odd. Not to mention hil-arious. (Most of these quotes are compliments of the folks over there at Movieline, borrowed with neither permission, nor malice.)

Apparently, Jessica Simpson went to Thailand as she embarked on her quest for...information? (Something? Something like that? I'm still not sure.) While she was there, she had to eat, right? Right. And what did she think about some of the food that was eaten in Thailand? "It’s kind of a ritual for them to eat these bugs because it does speed up their metabolism… I can’t even eat salmon!” Wait. What?

Bugs speed up the metabolism. She doesn't eat salmon. Salmon is not a bug. So....therefore...umm....four quarts in a gallon? Seriously, what the hell?!

Then there was all of the fortune telling. That's right. All of the fortune telling. Apparently, in her quest to find out what other country's standards of beauty are, she had to visit a fortune teller. (Look, I'm doing the best I can here. Speculating about the completely inexplicable isn't as easy as you might think!) Here's another gem from amateur sociologist Jessica Simpson: “I got chill bumps from head to toe when the fortune teller said you’re really going to fall in love. And of course, right now I’m single, so… fingers crossed.”

Ahh, yes. The extremely vague "you're really going to fall in love.....some....day" fortune. That a fortune right out of the cookie if I've ever heard one. Is she going to "meet someone" also? Will she "get caught in a sudden downpour" one day? Will she "lose a sock in the dryer"? Jessica, if you're reading this (or having it read to you) and you need a full time fortune teller, I am at your service for an extremely nominal fee.

While Jessica may be some sort of beauty ambassador, she's not exactly an ambassador of words. Or the blatantly obvious. "In Thailand, our beauty ambassador is Sonia Couling. She is a model and she also hosts Thailand’s version of America’s Next Top Model.” Soooo....umm....wait. Wait! If I could only think of it! It's the show...in Thailand...that's just like the show in America called America's Next Top Model. It's just like that. It'll come to me. Hold on!
Um...Thailand's Next Top Model? Perhaps?! For God's sakes woman.....

I guess while she was there, she had a massage of some sort. Her thoughts? "I thought that Thai massages had happy endings. I was just wondering where mine was.” What kind of happy ending are we talking about here? And why did she think that? I've been racking my brain (OK, I thought about it for 3 seconds) trying to think if I have ever heard anything about Thai massages. Other than if you've had a "Thai massage" you've likely just visited a hooker, I was drawing a blank. What in the world is she talking about?

And there you have her, ladies and gentlemen! Jessica Simpson! Defining the category of "It's a good thing she's pretty." Back to you.