Crack In The Crack

Plausible deniability can only get you so far, but it really isn't going to get you anywhere when you use it in situations where deniability is not only not plausible, but it's not even conceivable. You know, like when Paris Hilton said that she thought that the cocaine that fell out of her purse (which she claimed was not hers) was gum. Or when Lindsay Lohan said that the cocaine that was found in jeans that she was wearing wasn't hers because they weren't even her pants! Or when someone has crack cocaine shoved up their ass and claims that it's not theirs. Wait. What was that last one? You know...about the crack?

Right. Well, naturally, this takes place in Floriduh. According to the smoky folks over there at The Smoking Gun, a one 25-year old Raymond Roberts was pulled over for speeding. Upon approaching the car, the authorities noticed the strong stench of marijuana and subsequently searched our hero. It was during said search that "...Deputy Sean Cappiello "felt a soft object in the crack of his buttocks," (and) the suspect "began to tense up." Roberts volunteered to remove the item. “Let me get it, hold on” he said, and proceeded to place a "clear plastic baggie with a green leafy substance." Nice of Mr. Roberts to voluntarily remove the substance from his own butt crack for the officer.

But, wait! There's more! The deputy who searched him asked him if that was it. Meaning: Are these all of the drugs that you have hidden in your butt? Of course, Mr. Roberts claimed that was all that was in his butt. But wouldn't you know it? The deputy decided to continue to search Mr. Roberts and reported: "I then searched his shorts again and felt another object that was in the crack of his buttocks. I pulled the object out from the exterior of his shorts and a clear plastic baggie with a white rock substance fell to the ground." Oh, for cryin' out loud!

Did Mr. Roberts really think that even though they found the first of his posterially concealed substances, somehow, they weren't going to find the other ones? Or maybe because he had such a solid alibi, he just wasn't worried about it. That's right. He had an alibi as to why things were falling out of his butt. He told the cop “The white stuff is not mine, but the weed is.” Oh, what the what? For reals? Yes. For reals. See, "...he claimed...that the crack in his crack was the property of a friend who had previously borrowed the car and left the drug on the passenger seat." Right. Because if there's one thing that defines people who use drugs, it's their inability to always know the whereabouts of their drugs. Drug users are always leaving their drugs just lying around on the front seat of people's cars.

Regardless as to whether or not Mr. Roberts' statement is true or not (it isn't), I'm kind of thinking that once something is IN your body (or at least, very close to being IN your buttock-al region), you don't get to claim that it isn't yours. That's no longer a choice. In the glove compartment? Under the passenger seat? Sure. Give it a whirl and try to get out of those situations by claiming it isn't yours. But when you're clenching it between your arse cheeks, you've got nothing. Oh, wait. I take that back. You have a pretty funny story.