Just Don't

Wow. That's almost all I have to say about this one. Just wow.

Apparently, Nike felt that it would be a good idea to roll out a new Tiger Woods commercial on the day before the Masters begins. Now, I don't proclaim to know anything about corporate advertising. But I think I do know what doesn't seem like a good idea and this commercial would be it.

Here's the gist of it (Well, actually, this isn't the gist. This is IT.): You see a black and white image of Tiger from the chest up just standing there and staring straight ahead at the camera. I don't know if the black and white imagery is to try and trick viewers into thinking that we have magically been transported back to a time before his multiple extra-marital dalliances with cocktail waitresses and porn stars were widely known or what, but it kind of bugs me.

All he does throughout the entire 30 seconds is stand there and stare. The camera slowly moves in closer to his face throughout the spot, but he's just standing there and staring. Meanwhile, we hear the voice of the dearly departed Earl Woods. Now, the only reason that I know that it's Earl Woods is because I read that it was over at The Huffington Post. Otherwise, I wouldn't have had a clue. Don't get me wrong, I follow sports. I know who Earl Woods was. But I don't know if I'm supposed to know that it's Earl's voice when I hear it. It just comes out of nowhere, so are we supposed to think that it's God? Please. That better not be it.

Anyway, this is what he says: "Tiger, I am more prone to be inquisitive, to promote discussion. I want to find out what your thinking was. I want to find out what your feelings are. And did you learn anything." Are you kidding me?

Are they just begging people to mock the heck out of that or what? He's "prone to be inquisitive"? Like what? "Which Perkins coffee shop did you pick that one up at?" That kind of inquisitive? Or the kind of inquisitive that asks, "Why are you constantly cheating on your beautiful Norwegian wife with all of these porn star skanks? I wonder which one it is.

He wants to find out what his thinking was? Really? Lemme help you out a little bit, Earl. His thinking was "I don't give a fat rat's ass about anything other than myself and my big ol' boner and therefore, I'm going to be having lots of kinky sex with that there cocktail waitress, Pops."

Do they really want to include the line "I want to find out what your feelings are"? I can't imagine that they do. But they did! See, that's where Earl and I differ. Earl wants to know about his feelings. I want to know the total number of bimbo whores he slept with.

Did he learn anything? I don't know. I don't think that he did. Are we supposed to think that he did? Maybe he learned that it's not a good idea to let your wife find text messages from one of your waitress mistresses on Thanksgiving. Maybe he learned to not try and drive his Escalade (unless he can avoid hitting various shrubbery and a fire hydrant) when his wife is chasing after him with a golf club at 2am. Maybe he learned those things. But I'm thinking that the only thing that he might have really learned is that it sucks to get caught.

I don't get the logic behind this commercial. I know that Nike is one of the only two sponsors that he has left (the other one being Electronic Arts, makers of various video games which are seemingly immune from most controversy), but I didn't think that they'd be using him in a commercial again so soon. Then again, I don't know why they'd stick with him at all. Granted, their slogan is "Just Do It", but I don't know that they want a spokesman who really goes with the literal (and the carnal) translation of it.

I guess that they couldn't do a commercial which would have incorporated all of his philandering ways into it, like instead of having gophers pop up across a golf course in all of the holes, have his bimbos pop up. Yeah, I think something like that is probably considered to be "in poor taste". Probably. Whatever. I think that channeling the voice of the dead father is a bit much. The commercial is below. Did you learn anything?