EEWWWW!!

Directly from the file of "EEWWWW!!", we have this headline from Yahoo! Lifestyle: "I'm in love with my grandson and we're having a baby." Have I already said EEWWWW? I did? Well, something like this warrants it again. EEWWWW!!

What the what?! Correct. What we have here is extreme oddness portraying itself as fine and dandy. Granted, there are only TWO people that are in the fine and dandy camp, as the rest of us are pretty much going with EEWWWW!! Those two folks would be a one 72-year old Pearl Carter (that's right; could she have a more old person's name than Pearl Carter?) and a one 26-year old grandson by the name of Phil Bailey. He's not just any grandson. He's Pearl's grandson. Good Lord.

Here's the scoop: Apparently, when Pearl was 18, she became pregnant (presumably through the normal means and nothing incestuous) and her parents insisted that she give the baby away as to "not to bring the family into disrepute." (Yeah, I don't think her family would be all that thrilled with her current relationship if they were all worried about the disrepute and all. Sleeping with your grandson is a surefire ticket straight to disrepute. And probably to hell, also.)

She gives her baby daughter away and never sees it again. In 1983, that baby is all grown up and gives birth to Phil. When Phil is 18, his mom tells him that she was adopted. She also told him that she had brain cancer. (That must have been quite a day for ol' Phil there.) He took care of her for six months before she succumbed to her cancer. That's when he decided it would be a good idea to track down his grandmother. It took him three years, but he finally did it. And considering that I know how this story turned out, I'm kind of wishing that it took him a little bit longer, you know?

So, Phil found an address for Pearl and he wrote to her. That's quaint. A letter. I wonder if he used a quill and an ink well to make her feel more comfortable? Regardless, Pearl said that she "... was stunned to get his letter...My heart jumped that I'd be re-united with a grandson. I wrote back immediately and included my phone number." To her rotary phone, I presume?

Phil called Pearl. As Pearl describes the conversation, "We both cried but kept talking for three hours." Huh. Really? OK. After that the relationship progressed and according to Pearl, "When he emailed me a photo, I thought what a handsome and sexy man he was before pinching myself – he was my grandson!" EEWWWW!! Look, I'm OK with the seeing a photo of the guy and thinking how handsome he was. That's normal. Thinking he's sexy? When you know he's your grandson? Not so normal. I'm guessing that Pearl didn't send him an image of herself because it was really short notice to find someone to do an oil painting of her.

"Confused, Pearl talked to a friend, who told her about an article she'd read on Genetic Sexual Attraction (GSA), which occurs when close relatives meet as adults and are attracted to each other." Wow. I'll give her props for telling anyone at all (though I would be interested to know if that friend has ever talked to her since), but it seems to be at this juncture that things begin to go horribly awry when Pearl concluded "I could now understand my feelings and realise they weren't wrong."

I'm going to have to disagree with that conclusion. Just because something has a name, that doesn't mean it isn't wrong! Just because you pour syrup on something, that doesn't make it a pancake!

Pearl recalls that "From the first moment that I saw him, I knew we would never have a grandmother-grandson relationship. For the first time in years I felt sexually alive." Excuse me for a minute. I think I have something in my throat. I believe it's my lunch. EEWWWW!!

They spent their first week getting to know each other by shopping, bowling and eating out. It was the second week when things got a little too close for my comfort (and it should have been for theirs as well!). That's when Pearl kissed Phil and Phil kissed her back. That's also when Pearl "...explained to Phil what she'd discovered about GSA." Upon hearing about GSA, Phil stated that he "...was thrilled and excited" because "I could be with Pearl and it was OK because she'd never raised me or been in my life." Oh! UN-fortunate! Something got lost in the translation there! Because it's clearly NOT OK! It's not a matter of whether or not she has ever been in your life! She's RELATED to you! It's OK for her to be in your life. It's NOT OK for her to be in your pants! I'm certainly glad that his mother wasn't around for him to explain to her that he's doing HER mother! That's beyond how wrong even this whole ordeal is.

(WARNING: This next part is not for children. It's barely for adults.) The night that they kissed is when "...grandmother and grandson became lovers." Oh, God. "Making love to Pearl was a real eye-opener." Oh, I don't doubt that for minute! Even though if it were me and I would most definitely want my eyes closed, I'm sure that having sex with your Grandma IS an eye-opener. No kidding. He said, "It was love combined with all this sexual tension that had been building up." Sexual tension or not, it doesn't mean you should be doin' Granny! Ever!

Now, you know that this story cannot possibly end there, right? No, what would make this freak show absolutely complete would be if they hired a surrogate to carry a baby for them. Yep, that should do it. Meet Roxanne Campbell!

Yep, that's a picture of what you think it is. They met Roxanne after they decided to use "Pearl's retirement money to find a surrogate mother and buy a donor egg to inseminate with Phil's sperm." They placed an ad and though it doesn't say where, I'm guessing craigslist? Where else would you find someone to go along with this sort of oddity?! Upon finding out of the incestuous nature of the whole thing, Roxanne says that she was "shocked". But never let a little shock hold anyone back from helping an incestuous couple reproduce! Especially if you're like Roxanne and you see that "...they're a brilliant pair and I saw how much they loved each other. I know the baby will be loved too." Sure. It'll be loved. From the retirement home, I have the feeling.

And Pearl's take on how things ended up? "I am finally going to be a mum and not forced to give up my child. Phil's going to be a great dad. I never in a million years thought at 72 I'd be "pregnant" and in love with my grandson. I make no apologies and I believe God's given me a second chance." Oh, really?! You NEVER thought you'd be in love with your grandson? I'm shocked! That never entered your mind? Go figure! And by the way, you probably should apologize. I don't know to who, but it just seems as if there's an apology that's necessary here somewhere. (I feel a little violated. I'd take an apology.) Also, while I do believe that God gives second chances, I don't think He does so in this way, exactly. Yeah, I think He does it differently. I PRAY He does it differently. Just because your cat has kittens in the oven, that doesn't make them biscuits. Or something like that.