Showing posts with label strange. Show all posts
Showing posts with label strange. Show all posts

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Inexplicable Human-Chair Fusion

Today, we have another one of those stories that simply doesn't have any splick. It is, in a word, inexplicable. There's really no other way to describe an incredibly obese man who has sat in the same chair for so long (two years as a matter of fact) that the fabric of said chair had fused to his skin. And even though that is inexplicable, I have another aspect of the story that is even MORE inexplicable. The above mentioned individual had a girlfriend.

Let's go to Channel 7 in Ohio, WTRF, for the facts of this story. (Warning: I know that I made this sound bad with my little introduction above. Trust me. It gets a heck of a lot worse. Consider yourself sufficiently warned.) We have an obese man. Now, the exact weight is not provided for some reason (probably because the media sucks), but let's just say that it had to have been sufficient enough for him to have enough difficulty getting out of his chair that he just decided it would be easier to simply stay put. And considering that this chair did not have proper plumbing facilities, that must have been one hell of a decision to have to make, if you catch my drift.

One of the remarkable aspects of this story (but not more remarkable than someone being fused to a piece of furniture because it's going to be super hard to top that) that needs to be mentioned right now is that "...two other able-bodied people lived there---another man, who had a separate bedroom, and the girlfriend of the man who was stuck in the chair. Officials say the girlfriend served food to him, since he never got up." How...how does that happen? How do you live in a house with a guy who never gets out of his chair...for anything?! Bodily functions did occur! It's not like they're going to stop just because you're too fat to get up anymore. Two years. Keep that in mind. Two years of sitting in two years of your own filth. I think I'm going to hurl. (And just because that imagine wasn't enough, I'm going to mention that "...he was sitting in his own feces and urine and maggots were visible." Oh, God. Now I know I'm going to hurl.)

But it wasn't just that he lived with two able-bodied people that disturbs me.
See, it appears that there had been visitors to the home during this two year period of never leaving the chair. "...the landlord says the man in the chair rented from her before and used to be a vital active person." Obviously, the key words in that phrase are "used to be". (The non-key words in that statement are everything else she said. Oh, what's that? He wasn't always fused to a chair? You don't say! Moron.) But it goes on to say that "...she checked on them periodically but lately he always sat with a blanket over him. She says she had no idea it had come to this." She what? And he what? Wait a minute.

Wouldn't the stench from an obese man who had been sitting in his own filth
for the past two years simply be overwhelming?! She didn't notice the strong smell of poo emitting from this man?! I'm assuming that it wasn't a magic blanket that he would drape over himself when she came over. Now that I think about it, where would they find a blanket big enough to cover him, the chair and all of the maggots? (God, just typing that makes me gag.) Is there a Snuggie that big? Regardless as to where they shopped, I still don't understand how you wouldn't just be knocked off of your feet by the smell if you were in that house. I kind of don't understand how you wouldn't just be knocked off of your feet by the smell if you were in the vicinity of that house. Two years of fecal matter and urine is a lot of fecal matter and urine. The smell must have been unimaginable. Stinky, but unimaginably stinky.

How does this man have a girlfriend? More importantly, how is this woman's boyfriend the man who is so fat that he hasn't left his chair for two freaking years?! What are her standards?! I mean, obviously they're QUITE low. But seriously? You're dating So-Fat-He's-Stuck-To-His-Chair Guy? Really? I guess taking him to family functions wasn't all that important to you, eh? The more I ponder this, the more depressed I get. A morbidly obese man who has been sitting in his own urine and feces for two years has a girlfriend, yet I, an amazingly mobile woman who has never been fused to a chair, is single. What the what is that about?

I saw this story a couple of days ago and I am saddened, but not surprised, to report that the man who was fused to his chair and sitting in his own waste for two years with a multitude of maggots has died. Is anyone really surprised? I can't say that I am. And I also can't say that he might be better off this way. His quality of life before he was removed from his chair certainly wasn't anything that anyone would strive for. And while I tend to take a rather libertarian approach to these sorts of situations, I'm going to have to say that I'm appalled that the people living with this man didn't take some sort of action before it got to this point. I mean, if you want to eat yourself into oblivion and become incredibly fat, that's your choice. I'm not going to intervene with that one. But I think that at the point where human flesh becomes fused to a piece of furniture, you're under some sort of obligation to do something like make a phone call. And if the person stuck to the chair doesn't like it, they can just unfuse themselves and do something about it. Oh, what's that? They can't move? Because of all of the fusing? Yeah, OK then. Keep dialing.

Friday, March 11, 2011

A True Fan

There are an awful lot of different kinds of strange out there. And I'm not trying to imply that strange is bad. It is what it is...strange. But don't get me wrong, it's not like all strange is OK. It's not. That's why it's called strange. Look, I'm clearly leading up to something here, so what say I just cut to the chase, all right? OK, then. What we have today is a man who has an incredible fondness for a one Julia Roberts. I know. What's not to love? Well, if I had to choose, I'd say that it would be the manner in which this man expresses his affection for the actress is what is not to love. Behold!


Oh, what the hell is that?! That, my friends, is a one Miljenko Parserisas Bukovic. (You may pronounce that any way that you'd like.) From the good folks at The Daily Mail, we learn that Mr. Bukovic is a newspaper vendor from Valparaiso, Chile. We also learn that he became enamored with the lovely Ms. Roberts after seeing her in Erin Brokovich, for which she won an Oscar. It was a really good movie and she was really good in it, but I don't know that I have ever seen anything so good by anyone act so good that it made me want to go out and get 82 tattoos of the person who did all of the acting. And that's just one of the many, many ways in which Mr. Bukovic and I are different.


This 52-year old man has tattoos of Julia Roberts as Erin Brockovich all over his torso and arms. And let me tell you, it's a good thing that someone told me that the tattoos were supposed to be Julia Roberts, as I would not have guessed that. Ever. I've spent a fair amount of time (3-4 minutes tops) looking at the same pictures I've included here and I have yet to see one image that really stands out as being undeniably Julia Roberts. Not one. There is at least one that maybe could be her, but I would have had to have been drinking for quite some time in order to agree to that.

Below is a picture of the lovely Miss Roberts as she appeared in a scene in Erin Brockovich. After you're done ogling her lovely breasts, please let me know if you can find any of his tattoos that even come close to looking like this. (Being 'vaguely female in appearance' does not count.)


Saturday, June 12, 2010

South Carolina, What Are You Doing?!


What is going on over there with the voting populous of South Carolina? Seriously. The guy that they elected to be the Democratic candidate for the Senate seems to be only vaguely aware of what is going on around him. Not to mention that he didn't mount any sort of campaign what so ever and still managed to win with sixty, yes sixty, percent of the vote! How is that possible?! South Carolina voters, how low is your bar, exactly? Well, if Alvin Greene is any indication, there might not even be a bar.

Meet Alvin Greene. He won the primary election in South Carolina on Tuesday with sixty percent of the vote to become the Democratic candidate for one of South Carolina's Senate seats. How he won is still in question. He's unemployed (though he was honorably discharged (though not voluntarily) from the military nine months ago and lives with his parents) and has no previous political experience. I'm fine with the no political experience. Sometimes, I think I would prefer that candidates don't have any political experience. But I would prefer that they appear to have the capability to form complete sentences. Oh, and to not stare blankly after being asked a really simple question by Keith Olbermann, too.

Alvin Greene claims to have had no donations. He claims that the $10,400 that he had to pony up in order to be on the ballot was his own money. Now, I'm not saying that it isn't. I am saying that I find how incredulous the media is toward the notion that it was his own money. They act like because he is unemployed, he should have no money at all. Never mind the fact that he was in the military for about 13 years. If he was living with his parents the entire time, he could have saved quite a bit of money. Even if he hadn't been living with his parents, it's not like people can't save money or anything like that. Granted, I do find it a little odd for an unemployed guy to spend ten grand just to be on a ballot, but I don't think it's as strange as the media is portraying it to be.

Speaking of things that are strange, from what everyone can tell, this guy didn't even do anything on his "campaign". I have that in quotes because I'm not so certain that if you don't actually go out and campaign (as a verb) that you have a campaign (as a noun). I'm not running for anything, but if I don't do anything and I win, does that mean that I've run a successful campaign. I don't think that it does! I really don't.

What I find more strange is that this guy seems to be of a limited intelligence quotient. He seems vaguely aware of what he is doing. He's one step away from the freaking Senate. He sure doesn't act like it. Then again, he also doesn't really act like he knows what year it is. Let's take a look at some of the dialogue between him and the abhorrent Mr. Olbermann. Keep in mind that Mr. Greene's responses to the questions are always followed by a pause of about 5 to 7 seconds. I don't know why. It could be a tape delay thing. It could be a low mental processing speed. I'm just saying. Oh, and let me just warn you. This guy is not one of our nation's most gifted speakers.

Olbermann: What was your campaign like? Did you hold a lot of meetings?

Greene: Say that again.

Olbermann: What...was...your...campaign...like? Did you have a lot of campaign meetings?

Greene: I have just a few meetings. Not many.

Olbermann: Did you have campaign rallies?

Looking awfully perplexed Greene: Nothing...formal. Just...informal rallies. (What in the world is an "informal rally"?!) Informal meetings...rather.

Olbermann: Did you go door to door to meet the voters? How did they find out who you were?

Looking like Olbermann is speaking Chinese Greene: I just conducted a...simple...old-fashioned campaign. You know. All...all across the state of South Carolina.

Olbermann: Did you have campaign advertising of any kind?

Pondering the question Greene: I had...campaign literature. Yes, I did.

Olbermann: Many...

Not quite done Greene: I had campaign literature.

Trying to finish the question Olbermann: Many first time politicians get surprised by how much fundraising they have to do...How much fund raising did you do?

Really confused Greene: Not much....I raised...I used my own funds up to this point...in the primary...and...up until right now....and.... (Then his voice just trails off and he look blankly ahead. I guess that's how we know that he's done.)

Olbermann: Um, how do you think the people who voted for you on Tuesday knew who you were or even that you were running?

Still staring ahead Greene: I think...that...you know, I think that they....saw...I think that they...no, I just think that they recognized...they heard of my name...when I was campaigning...across the state...you know to pass the word on. Just by word of mouth! (Eureka! A complete sentence!) But I just got the word around. (Judging from this interview, I find it difficult to believe that he could get the word around. He can barely get a word out of his mouth.) You know. I had sixty percent of the vote....I had sixty percent of the vote. Sixty percent of the vote is not luck. (I'll agree with him with that. It's not luck. It might not be legitimate, but it most certainly is not luck.) You know...that's a decisive wins. (Yes. He said "wins". That's a decisive wins. Good Lord...) Sixty per....(And then he just stops and starts nodding! That's twice that he's done that. I guess it's his "thing" or something.)

There's more, but I'm going to stop here. You get the point, right? The guy seems dumber than a box of hair, that is correct.

Now, some people are claiming that Mr. Greene is a "plant" by the Republican party. That theory would have more weight if it weren't for some glaring problems. Problem one is that the guy is far from the brightest bulb on the tree. (And while he could still be a "plant", houseplant would be more like it.) Problem two is that "plant" or not, he still won with sixty percent of the vote and from what I can tell, no one has ever heard of the guy because he didn't even go out and campaign. You can plant whoever you want into whatever race you want, but if it's an election, people still have to vote for him. So that doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. Then again, none of this does. It does seem to have the air about it of something not being just quite right. Can you ask for an investigation based solely on the impression that the guy who won couldn't find his ass with both hands if you spotted him the left one? I don't know if you can or not, but it might be a good idea. It might also be a good idea to go out there and find folks who voted for this guy and ask them what in the world they were thinking. No, wait. Show them some of the interviews of this guy and then ask them what they were thinking. I have the feeling it would be highly entertaining!

The video of Mr. Greene and Mr. Olbermann is supposed to be below. If it doesn't show, you can try watching it
here. At that same link, you can watch a different interview with something called The Root. I'm not saying that you're going to learn much more by watching that interview or anything, but I am saying that you'll see that Mr. Greene's demeanor with Mr. Olbermann was not because he was having a bad day or anything. That's how the guy seems to come across with everything. Perplexed. And in a race for a seat in the United States Senate. What could possibly go wrong?




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