American Idol And Simon Cowell Say Farewell

American Idol wrapped up the tenth (and possibly final) season the other night by crowning the adorable former paint salesman Lee Dewyze as our new American Idol. And as is the tradition in the final American Idol show each season, the episode took on the characteristics of a mid-1970s variety show, with every sort of imaginable musical act (in theory) taking the stage. Let's take a look at some of those who graced our presence.

There were the remaining two Bee Gees, Barry and Robin Gibb, singing "How Deep Is Your Love" with the seemingly eight-year old Aaron Kelly and quirky glass blower, Siobhan Magnus. Now, considering that American Idol's target demographic is 18-49 year olds, it's kind of an odd choice to have The Bee Gees on there. That song came out in 1977. And I have nothing against The Bee Gees. How they manage to make what they do sound good is beyond me. I'm just saying that I don't think that the majority of the audience watching that was thinking, "Oooh! The Bee Gees!" I'm guessing the majority were thinking, "Why is Professor Frink singing with a gay Kenny Rogers?"

Hall & Oates were there. Hall was looking a little weathered, shall we say. He was kind of sporting a Jeff Bridges in Crazy Heart sort of look. That is, if Jeff Bridges in Crazy Heart wore aviator sunglasses inside. Oates, on the other hand, had finally shaved off his porn star moustache. Granted, Oates isn't the most attractive fellow out there (which explains the gazillion close-ups of Hall, but only fuzzy, long distance shots of Oates), but losing the moustache really was a plug, so I looked at that as an overall win.

Alice Cooper, whom I thought was dead, but wasn't even though he looked like he was, performed "School's Out" with the Final 12 contestants. I didn't really need to see Crystal Bowersox in a schoolgirl's uniform. I just didn't. It's not that she's unattractive or anything, it's just that there's something wrong with a dreadlocked woman wearing a plaid school skirt. I'm just saying. And Alice was twirling what looked like a baton, but I'm guessing it was his cane to help him walk.

Alanis Morissette was there and sang "You Oughta Know" with Crystal Bowersox. I'm not a fan of censoring song lyrics. Mainly because they sound ridiculous when you do. Such was the case in this instance. "You Oughta Know" is about how Morissette's boyfriend (presumably, and strangely, to have been Dave Coulier from "Full House" fame) dumped her and moved on with some other chick as if nothing had ever happened. And if you think that she took that well, you'd be mistaken. She was angry. It's an angry song. It's a kick ass, angry song. So, when they change the line "Would she go down on you in a theatre" to "Would she go down with you to the theatre" it really loses quite a bit. Seriously. You think some chick is that angry because a guy's new girlfriend won't go with him to the movies but she would? It just doesn't work.

While I wasn't sure that Alice Cooper was still alive, I also wasn't sure that Bret Michaels wasn't going to be dead. As a big fan of the 1980s hair bands, I've been pulling for Bret lately. He came out and sang "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" with who will likely be a future Abercrombie & Fitch model, Casey James. That boy doesn't seem like he could spell "cat" if you spotted him the C and the T. It's a good thing he's pretty. But back to Bret. I really enjoy the bandana and the cowboy hat, but I'm starting to think that he's wearing it to cover up some sort of male pattern baldness or something. He always has one or the other on. And I'm kind of thinking that with his recent brain hemorrhage that there would have been a little scalpal shaving going on. You know. So they could stop the bleeding in his brain.

And in somewhat of a surprise move, Janet Jackson came out and performed two songs with lasers! Ooohhhhhh! Now, you'll remember that it was Ms. Jackson who bore her nipple for 9/32nds of a millisecond during a Super Bowl halftime show a gazillion years ago. Apparently, the folks at Fox weren't willing to risk having one of her breasticles or some other part of female anatomy come popping out during this show, so they had her in some sort of skin tight scuba outfit, as if she were getting ready to dive down and plug that oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico. And she may be 44, but she rocked it. Nice job, Ms. Jackson (if you're nasty).

And since this was Simon Cowell's last episode of American Idol (as he's moving on to produce the American version of "The X Factor" and make another gazillion dollars), it only made sense to have the incredibly wacky Paula Abdul make an appearance. She gave a rather flat, yet probably heartfelt (as much as someone that pilled up can be heartfelt) speech which included a line that I'm pretty sure she never envisioned herself saying. She said, "American Idol is not going to be the same without you. But as only I can tell you,it will go on." I really don't think that she anticipated the show going on without her. I think that's why she was holding out for more money. Granted, she deserved it. But I don't think that she thought that they were going to call her bluff. Sorry, Paula. If it's any consolation, I think America misses you and your unintelligible antics.

Worst Graduation Song Ever

With the return of American Idol this week for it's ninth season (and the last one with my beloved Simon Cowell), I thought that it would be appropriate to explain just how important it is to be honest with people in your life. Wait. What? Honesty and American Idol go hand in hand? Correct.

See, a lot of the "hopefuls" that tryout for American Idol are not very good. Fortunately, I don't have the "privilege" of listening to all of the auditions. If I did, they never would have been able to hold the auditions on one of those upper floors of whatever building they were at over there in Boston because the temptation to hurl myself out of one of those plate glass windows would have been too strong to overcome at times. But when you hear how horrible some of the "hopefuls" are, you wonder why they are there in the first place?

Now, I firmly believe that some folks know that they are awful and that they are there simply to get on TV (because apparently, it doesn't matter what you're on TV for, if you're on TV, then that is automatically supposed to be "good". Armed robbery, horrible singing, kicking bunnies, etc. It doesn't matter. But if you're on TV, then you've scored! Idiots....)

But I also firmly believe that there are folks who think that they are fantastic, which is why they're trying out for American Idol in the first place. They are convinced that they are going to go into that audition and come out as the next heir to the American Idol throne (which is currently occupied by....um....Kris Allen? Yeah! That's it! Kris Allen!). And the reason that they are convinced of this is because their entire family has lied to them over the course of several years and told them how "good" they were, when in reality nothing could be farther from the truth.

Those people are awful. They should never sing again for the rest of their lives and with some of them, it's really questionable as to whether or not they should ever talk again either. So why are they trying out for American Idol? Because they think that they can sing because (probably well-intentioned) folks have lied to them their entire lives and told them that they're good. And when you convince someone of something that isn't true and then it has to come to light that it isn't true, well, there are consequences, my friend. There are consequences.

And in the case of those who think that they can sing, the main consequence is that the rest of us have to be put through the trauma of having to listen to them attempt to croon some sort of melody that only comes out sounding like a cat in a blender. (No offense to any cats in blenders out there.) Who is that good for? It's not good for me. It's not good for you. It's not good for them. And it certainly isn't good for the cats.

And this is what can happen when you don't quash someone's dreams and/or delusions at an early stage. Below is, quite possibly, the worst thing I have ever heard in my entire life (and I've watched American Idol since Season One!). Seriously, who thought that this was a good idea? The band director should be fired...at. That's right. Physically shot. What did Journey ever do to that band?! I'm guessing nothing! There's no reason for this. None. It's horrible. Did anyone think it wasn't horrible? I can't imagine.

See what I mean? You cannot tell me that the chick singing that song is going to be watching that video the day after and thinking, "Man! I rocked!" No. That can't happen. (The fist pumps only made it worse for me.) Who thought that was a good idea? You know, to have her sing. (She was singing, wasn't she? It's so hard to tell.) Were there no other aspiring "singers" in that graduating class? None? What about a trained seal? Some sort of barking dog? Anything really.

But why did it happen? Likely because someone (lots of someones, probably) couldn't tell someone else "no". No one could find the guts to say to anyone "Um, she can't sing. You? Yeah, you! You can't sing." NO one could say that. I find it astonishing. She was SO bad, wouldn't the thought of not saying anything and the realization that you're going to have to actually listen to that be motivation enough to pipe up and say something?! I guess not, but it's a shame. And let this just be some sort of lesson or reminder or incentive to all of you out there who are tolerating a horrible singer in your life. Say something now, lest the rest of the world be subject to that same sort of otic atrocity.

One more thing. Kudos to the band for being able to play at all with that singing right in front of you. I don't know how you guys did it. You're amazing. Happy graduation. It's over.