That's A Stabbin'

Have you ever gotten so angry at someone that you can't even finish what it is that you're doing because it's much more important for you to jump up and stab that person right that very second? Yes? No? Well, if your answer was no, then you are clearly not David Davis of Stamford, Connecticut. He chose stabbing over finishing his haircut. And for more reasons that one, he should have just continued with the haircut and then commenced with all of the stabbing.

Here's the story: The aforementioned Mr. Davis was having his hair cut at an apartment. Now, that's not the typical place one goes for a haircut (if one is older than five, that is), so I guess I shouldn't be overly surprised that not a lot of typical stuff went on during this haircut. The Huffington Post tells us that midway through his haircut, he felt the need to jump up, grab a pair of scissors (which I'm assuming were being used by his 'barber') and stab another man in the back. I would really like to know what was so enraging to Mr. Davis that he just couldn't sit there any longer and felt the need to really get a-stabbin' immediately.

At some point, the police showed up after Mr. Davis had impaled and fled. No problem, though. The police dog found him hiding in a nearby apartment and he was arrested. Yeah, it's a shame that he didn't get to finish his haircut before his mugshot. If you're going to commit a crime, try to make sure that you won't look like a complete freakazoid when you eventually get arrested and photographed. Behold!

Good Lord. Granted, he looks like a complete fool in that photo, but judging from the size of that 'fro, he wasn't exactly overly dapper to begin with. And according to him, the fracas got started when he was approached by the stabee the victim in what he described as "an aggressive manner." That's why he picked up the scissors. It was self-defense. It is hard to imagine how much defending himself he had to do when you consider that the victim was stabbed in the back. Usually, when people have their back to me, I'm not really feeling all that threatened by them. I certainly don't feel the need to arm myself with a pair of scissors. But then again, I have no idea what goes down in the haircutting hoods of Stamford.

Hardly A Spree

We have a winner! Yep, with only a little over a month left to go in the year, I think we have a winner for Mugshot of the Year. Sure, there have been a lot of notable ones up to this point, but I really think this guy is going to be hard to top. Behold!

Yep. There you have it. Did I tell you? It's a winner. Apparently, the chap in that photo is a one Mark Siebenmorgen and according to the news footage over there at KATU (that's in Portland, Oregon), he "...went on a one-man crime spree last month in Milwaukie and when they caught him he graced them with this priceless look for his mug shot." Huh. Crime spree, eh? Like what kind of a crime spree? Apparently in Portland, the "crime spree" occurred when he "...walked up to a total stranger and shoved him to the ground. Minutes later, he jumped on a car, stomped on its hood, flexed his muscles and kicked out the windshield before running away. Police say they caught Siebenmorgen the next day after he showed up at a Safeway at southeast King Street making rude comments to employees." Wait. What?

THAT'S your crime spree? It sounds to me like the guy thought he was the Incredible Hulk, only without all of the turning green and hulking. I don't know if I'd call that a "crime spree". Granted, it's awfully erratic, but where is the spree part? The shoving part is uncalled for at best. Is that a crime? I guess it's assault. Kicking the windshield in is definitely a crime. Being rude to Safeway employees isn't exactly good manners, but it's hardly a crime. And this whole story is hardly worthy of the moniker "spree". No wonder he looks so crazed. He's totally misunderstood. Yeah. That's it.

That's Just A Sketch

I will admit that I feel a little cheated with this whole Lindsay Lohan going to jail dealio. I was expecting (and hoping) that the whole thing would be a spectacle. And I love a good spectacle! But this was far from. There was no Paris Hilton-esque crying. There were no throngs of helicopters. Sure, there were the dingbats outside of the courthouse, but they paled in comparison to, say, the people outside of the courthouse when Michael Jackson was on trial. Amateurs is all that I saw.

Today, I thought that I was finally going to get a glimpse of all that I had longed for when I saw a link over at People.com that said "See Lindsay Lohan Getting Handcuffed". Now, I got pretty excited because from what I had read, the judge had ordered no pictures or video be taken when she was getting cuffed. I figured that this had to be some sort of rogue photo that someone managed to sneak and then promptly sold to People for a gazillion dollars. I couldn't click fast enough. I was, as you can imagine, sorely disappointed. Not to mention, I was a little irritated as well. This is what they showed me. Behold!

Oh, what the hell is that? That isn't a picture of Lindsay Lohan getting handcuffed! No, THAT is a sketch. I could have drawn a sketch! ANYONE could have drawn a sketch. And, well, someone DID. But that's not the point. It's not the same! Way to go, People. That's pretty weak if you're asking me. And I'm not even sure that it's all that accurate. Her lips appear to be normal sized in that sketch. And clearly, from the footage that was shot in the courtroom before she was cuffed, her lips are far from normal size. Behold!

Those are not the normal lips of a normal human being. She looks sort of like a duck. It's like her lips are too big to close on their own and so she ends up seeming like some sort of collagen-filled mouth breather. Whose idea was it that big, fat lips are attractive? I do not see the allure in any of it. None. Although I will say that her mugshot is one of the better photographs that she has taken in a while. Behold!

It's just unfortunate (or maybe not so much depending on how you're looking at this) that she had to go to jail to have a semi-flattering picture taken of her. Whatever. It's only been a little over 24 hours. Word is that she'll be doing between 14 and 23 days of her 90 day sentence. There's still plenty of time for spectacle and drama. And if it happens, I'll be enjoying every moment of it.

Bloodshot Mugshot

Lawrence Taylor was arrested and charged with rape today. I'm not making any guesses as to his guilt or his innocence, but when the mugshot looks like the one below, it ain't gonna be pretty. I'm just sayin'.

Top Ten Mug Shots of 2009

Since it's the end of the year, it's inevitable that there are going to be a bunch of lists. Being as how it's also the end of a decade (a decade which, after ten whole years, no one still knows what to call it) you're going to run into a lot of lists which try to cram the past ten years into a Top Ten or a Top Twenty or, in some inexplicable cases, a Top Nine. (What's with the nine? You couldn't come up with just one more for an even ten?) You're in luck here because I'm sticking to a nice round Top Ten and the time range is only going to be for the past year. What's that? The content of said list? Why, that would be Top Ten Mug Shots, of course.

First up we have a one Dale Lee (of Flori-Duh, naturally) who was arrested by the Pasco County Sheriff's Office on August 30, 2009 for aggravated battery and sale of marijuana. Yo, Dale! What say you take some of the money you're making on your weed sales and go find yourself a qualified dental professional to take care of those chiclets of yours there, all right? All right. Good Lord man, you're going to frighten small children walking around like that.

Next up is a one Tracy Tredway, the principal of an elementary school in Rochester, Indiana who, according to The Weekly Vice, was arrested for drunk driving after leaving a Halloween party. And while it's unfortunate that he was out driving around under the influence, it's more unfortunate that we aren't able to see his high heeled shoes and his wig that he was wearing with his floral print dress that he was driving around in at the time. Behold!

Nice. Nice touch. Good example for the kids, too! Sure.

As I'm sure you have already guessed from the content of this post, a lot of these folks will hail from Flori-duh. That's the case with Jason Vibber, seen here in his mugshot which accompanied the story over there at WFTV News of him getting arrested for burglarizing an apartment and getting caught wearing latex gloves and carrying a TV. According to the story, "Vibber's mug shot shows the suspect was visibly upset when arrested." There's only one thing that I dislike more than a thief and that's a thief that cries when he gets caught stealing someone else's stuff. Get a job, loser. And while you're at it, get a Kleenex.

Here we have the Bacon Bandit, a one Luann McKinnley (again from Florida, this time the small town of Stuart) who was caught stealing a 3-pound bag of bacon from her employer, a Perkins restaurant. Hey! Wasn't Perkins the same coffee house where one of Tiger Woods's hoes worked? I think it was! I wonder why this chick didn't just hook up with Tiger instead of stealing bacon?

Oh. That's why. Never mind. Carry on.

Speaking of Flori-duh, this one speaks for itself. Don't we all just adore the facial tattoos that people get? Sure! They're all completely upstanding citizens and probably all have above average IQs, right? Um, yeah, not so much I don't think. I don't know, maybe you should tell me. Here is a one 22-year old Sean Roberts and his Flori-duh facial tat. Behold!

Huh. A tattoo of Florida on his face as evidenced by his mug shot which was taken after he was arrested. I'm leaning toward moron with this guy. I mean, it's not even a good tattoo! And do you really want people to know the second that they look at you that you have an intense fondness for America's wackiest state with the lowest cumulative IQ? I don't know why you would, but apparently he did. (I have the feeling that "lowest cumulative IQ" factors in here somehow.)

I don't have a lot of information on the fellow below, but judging from his mugshot, I'm going to have to say that he was either working on one of the world's worst disguises or he was arrested exactly half way through becoming clean shaven. Behold!

I really don't know what else to say about that. Nor do I know what to say about the woman below. She looks awfully confused. I'm not sure if she's confused as to why she's under arrest, how she managed to get arrested or, the most likely, what in the hell happened to her eyebrows.

The chick below, well, I don't even know how she could have stayed awake long enough to commit her crime (which was, by the way, stealing and eating meat and cheese from a deli counter in Dayton, presumedly Ohio). According to WCPO, a one 50-year old (Good Lord! 50?!) Maria Magobet ordered meat and cheese from the deli counter and then walked out without paying for it. She must not have walked very far before chowing it down because when the cops caught up with her, she was still chewing! Maybe if she had better manners she wouldn't have drawn their attention because "officers say they saw bits of lunch meat on Magobet’s mouth and shirt." And I must say that I do believe them...mainly because you can still see crumbs on her mouth that were there when they took the picture for her mugshot!


Then there was Donald Earl Fite, III. Mr. Fite was arrested in Oregon and charged with first-degree aggravated animal abuse, fourth-degree assault and coercion. Those charges stemmed from, among other things, his becoming "angry and violent" when his ex-girlfriend (whom he wanted to get back together with) "...told Fite she had plans that night, and they didn't include him" according to OregonLive.com. The ex-girlfriend managed to flee and when she returned to her apartment, "...she found her fish in the middle of the floor with a knife through it." Upon his arrest, Fite told the officer that he had, in fact, impaled the fish and that he realized that it was a stupid thing to do. But he had a reason! He said that "If she can't have me, then she can't have the fish." Huh. I can't imagine why she broke up with him in the first place! It's a mystery all right!


And I'm going to wrap up this list with a one Henry Earl.

Oh, sure, his mugshot might not look like much on the surface. But when you hear of the milestone that ol' Mr. Earl reached this year with that very mugshot, then you'll understand. See, that mugshot marks the 1000th time that Mr. Earl was arrested. That's not a typo. Those are three zeroes. One. Thousand. Arrests. The only thing more surprising than that is that he was arrested all of those times in Kentucky and not in Flori-duh. Aim high, Mr. Earl. Aim high.