Our Newest Valentine

Luke and Hannah brought Savannah home last weekend and we got to spend time with our new little darling. Here is a scrapbook page I did for Valentine's Day with Great Grandmother and her great grandchild.

A Not So Conjugal Visit to Jail

So, Sunday was Valentine's Day. I'm not a big Valentine's Day fan. And I've never been able to really articulate why that is until now. Even now I wouldn't have been able to articulate it if it hadn't been for my fabulous friend and her incredible way with words. Her explanation (which I copied from her Facebook with neither permission, nor malice) was such:

I don't like Vday because it's a holiday that makes too many people (mostly women) sad. If I were rich I would make sure every single woman got flowers from a secret person on this silly day. These huge professions of love with candy and flowers and everything is nice, but there are so many sad lonely people. All this does is make them feel like sh*t! Luckily I have never felt unloved, and my house is filled with flowers. But what about all those other sad people? I don't like holidays that exclude the very people we should be watching out for. See? It's brilliant. And I have the feeling that Denise Rutledge is one of those people we should be watching out for.

Ms. Rutledge was apparently having a difficult time on Valentine's Day. It would seem that the one that she is enamored with (or thought that she was enamored with) was incarcerated during the day of love. At first, Ms. Rutledge did the first thing that would pop into most people's head in that situation. She allegedly began to drink heavily. (Actually, if I were in that situation, I think drinking heavily might be the first thing I'd do, but it would be my second choice as I'd spend a fair amount of time contemplating jumping off a cliff if I was in her position.)

Now, if there's anything that is a highly effective aphrodisiac, it is alcohol and lots of it. There's a reason why all the girls get prettier around closing time. (The animals too!) And that reason is the alcohol. So, being that it was Valentine's Day and all, an apparently lonely Ms. Rutledge decided to make her way down to the Flagler County Jail and request herself a conjugal visit with an inmate. The story provided by the fine folks over there at News 13 does not specify if Ms. Rutledge had any particular inmate in mind when she made this request, only that she was there for a conjugal visit.

Unfortunately, Ms. Rutledge was turned away. No, it wasn't because of her alleged intoxication or because maybe visiting hours were over or anything like that. It was because the Flagler County Jail turns away everyone who requests a conjugal visit because they don't have conjugal visits at the Flagler County Jail. At all! (By the way, it really shouldn't surprise you by now that Flagler County is in what state? Floriduh, that is correct.)

The article states that "Because of the way the 45-year-old was acting, a deputy went out to her car to give her a field sobriety test." Because of the way that she was acting? What way was that? Asking for a conjugal visit when they don't have conjugal visits? Is that the "way" that they're referring to? I don't know why they'd follow her out to her car for something like that. You'd think that they'd just test her right there. Due to the previously alluded to alleged overconsumption of intoxicating beverages, Ms. Rutledge failed the sobriety test (shocking, I know!) and ended up blowing a .256, which is over three times the legal limit. She was then charged with a DUI and eventually released on a $500 bond. Genius. Those Floridians are sheer geniuses. But going back to what I quoted my friend as saying, shouldn't we be looking out for people like Denise Rutledge so that more attempted drunken conjugal visits don't occur? I think we should.

Enjoy Your VD

Today is Valentine's Day or, for those of us who are bitter and (technically) alone, Sunday. I don't really understand the point of this day. I mean, shouldn't you tell people that you love them all year 'round? Of course, that's provided that there are actually people that you would actually want to tell them that you love them because you actually do. That's a tall order, my friend. Very tall.

Regardless of my dislike for the holiday, if you like it, well, Godspeed. But don't screw it up, all right? If you're going to buy her (or him) something, make it something good. We love jewelry, but we usually like to pick it out ourselves. We love Victoria's Secret, but we'd prefer a gift card rather than some satin-y, scratch-y thing with garters that you'd pick out for us. (Believe it or not, there is sleepwear out there that is sexy and that does not make us feel like a five dollar hooker.) We love cash. No "but" with this one. Cash is cash. But there are some things that we do not want.

We do not particularly want flowers. Sure, flowers are nice, but you're getting so ripped off by buying flowers for Valentine's Day that it's hard to enjoy something that someone else got reamed up the wazoo for. (And if you've ever been reamed up the wazoo, you know exactly what I'm talking about.) I don't know any women who would be thrilled to be handed a box of chocolates. None. It's not that we don't enjoy candy because we do. But it's a whole box. And while we don't want to make you feel bad by not eating it, we also don't want our ass to end up being the size of Nebraska.

But let me tell you what we really don't want. We really, really, really don't want a teddy bear. We don't care if it's from Vermont. We don't care if it's dressed in some sort of 1980s aerobic gear complete with headband and leg warmers. We don't care if our name is emblazoned somewhere upon the animal. Yes, we realize that it's cute. But it's a teddy bear. And, well....with a world full of jewelry and gift cards and cash (my God, the cash!), it's difficult to be excited (or thankful) when handed a teddy bear.

The video below is courtesy of those fine folks over at Saturday Night Live. It's one of the funniest things they've ever done and it conveys the "Don't you dare buy me a teddy bear for Valentine's Day" sentiment better than anything else ever could. Enjoy your VD!