Happy Birthday, Dad

If my Dad were still around, today would have been his birthday. Come to think of it, around or not, it's still his birthday. Regardless, even though I am fully aware that he (likely) does not have a computer or the Internet, I'm still doing it this way.

Happy birthday, Dad.

We'll be having your usual birthday dinner tonight. No sense in missing out on that. I sure do wish you could be here for it. As far as everything else goes, since I talk to you all the time, I won't go into a ton of detail because you already know everything.

I sure do miss you and I really wish you could come back.

Happy birthday, Dad. I love you.

Say Cheese!

KFC has apparently started an ridiculous trend in restaurant fare, but they didn't do it intentionally. In fact, while I notice that KFC is being blamed for this trend, the alleged trend followers really aren't quite doing it right. That's mainly because KFC's idea was ingenious and the other guys...well, they're just grasping at straws, basically.

See, KFC introduced the Double Down sandwich a little while ago. It's a masterpiece of culinary delights. The genius of the sandwich is that there is no pesky bread to get in the way. That's right. No bread. Instead of bread, the Double Down utilizes two pieces of boneless chicken in place of the bun. In place of the "meat" of the sandwich, there are two pieces of bacon, a slice of melted Monterey Jack cheese, a slice of melted pepper jack cheese and a glob of something called Colonel's Sauce (which appears to be some sort of mayonnaise based goo that is slathered generously between the chicken pieces). What's not to love? Nothing, that's what. You love it all.

Burger joint Friendly's tried their own version of the Double Down by coming out with the Grilled Cheese BurgerMelt. I don't know why BurgerMelt is one word. I don't know why it's called a 'melt' at all, really. What they have is their Friendly's Big Beef burger, but instead of a bun, they use grilled cheese sandwiches. Behold!

Good Lord. I can't tell if that looks delicious or disgusting. I'm leaning more toward disgusting. I'm definitely on the side of unnecessary. The thing is, it is nothing like the Double Down. The point of the Double Down was NO BUN. Clearly, the Grilled Cheese BurgerMelt has a bun. It's a bun with cheese in the middle of it, but it's a bun. NOT the same.

Carl's Jr. is even working on something called the Footlong Cheeseburger. It is just what it sounds like it is. It's a cheeseburger that's a foot long. It look positive disgusting, not to mention incredibly ridiculous. Behold!

Is there some sort of a reason why they just wouldn't make a really wide round burger? You know, the way that burgers are supposed to look? I don't get it, but good luck with that Carl's Jr. Good luck with that.

Now Denny's has decided to get in on the act. According to Nation's Restaurant News the Fried Cheese Melt is "...made with four fried mozzarella sticks and melted American cheese grilled between two slices of sourdough bread. It is served with French fries and a side of marinara sauce." Wait. It's what? Between what? And you're supposed to eat it? For reals? For reals. Behold!

Wow. OK, then. I would have liked it if they had kicked it up a notch and made the bread two grilled cheese sandwiches. That would really helped the heart disease to kick in super fast. And don't get me wrong. I enjoy cheese as much as the next person. (Seriously, what's not to love. It's cheese, for cryin' out loud.) But this just isn't going to work.

You know as well as I do that the thought of deep fried mozzarella sticks is a fabulous idea. But if you don't bite into one of those things within about 5 seconds of having them served to you, it's all over. Aside from the fact that the cheese solidifies way too fast, you can't eat it when it's at the tongue scalding temperature that they are intended to be enjoyed at. And here enters the conundrum. If you don't eat them right away because you don't want to burn off all of your taste buds (not to mention the majority of your tongue flesh), then the breading starts to get soggy. Have you ever tried to reheat a deep fried mozzarella stick? It's disgusting. It's like someone rolled some string cheese in a soggy piece of Wonder Bread.

And I anticipate that this sandwich will be similar to that. The mozzarella cheese breading will become immediately soggy, rendering the sandwich into a simply disgusting and completely inedible pile of goo with a gross breaded center. Someone really should have thought this one through a little bit more. Then again, it's Denny's. There are a lot of things that they should have thought through a little bit more.

Don't Be Poutine the Blame on KFC

Today we're venturing to a KFC located up north in Canada, America's Hat. Even though chain restaurants, especially fast food restaurants, have essentially the same menu no matter where you are (which makes it simply wonderful that you can get Chicken McNuggets when you're in Paris), there are variations on each menu that reflect each culture. Today's alleged culprit is something called poutine.

I, being a Yankee American, had absolutely no idea what poutine is, though from what I have read, it appears to be French fries topped with cheese curd and gravy. (It also appears to be pronounced poo-TIN. I figured I should throw that in there just in case you got a hankerin' for some and didn't want to sound like a fool trying to order some...somewhere.) So...gravy laden cheese fries, eh? I have to tell you that I can't decide if that is ruining a perfectly good plate of cheese fries or if it is creating a heaven on earth sort of delicacy. It's a toss up.

Now, the KFCs up there in America's Hat offer poutine on their menu. And up there at a KFC in Acton, Ontario, a one 15-year old Kendell Lakin had decided to partake in said poutine. So far, so good, right? Right. But then things went slightly awry.

According to the good folks over there at canoe.ca, Ms. Lakin was enjoying her piping hot poutine when she suffered an epileptic seizure and did somewhat of a faceplant in said dish. As a result "...her chin started to blister and her neck appeared red and burned. She went to the hospital and was treated for second-degree burns. Her chin and bottom lip have several large blisters." Wow. That sounds brutal. I'm glad that she's recovering from that incident. Wouldn't it be great if my sad little tale of woe ended here? Sure it would. But you know it doesn't, right? Right.

See, here's the problem: Ms. Lakin's father, a one Lee Lakin, is upset. He's upset at (wait for it) KFC. Why? Well, because they serve their poutine hot, of course. Wait. What now?

Correct. He is angry because the poutine is hot. He claims that "...he’s not after a multi-million dollar lawsuit, he just wants to speak out to warn others and perhaps get the Colonel to turn the temperature down on the cheese and gravy."

Now, below is a close up of the poutine at a KFC as shown to us by the folks over at the I Love Food Blog (picture used without permission, but without malice either). I'm really not thinking that this looks disgusting, but if it were cold, I'd think exactly that. Poutine is clearly made to be eaten hot. It's a hot dish. How do I know this? I know this because French fries are meant to be eaten hot. Gravy is meant to be eaten hot. Melted cheese needs to be hot in order to get that melted quality that makes the melted cheese what it is (that being melted). There's a plethora of heat that is needed to make this dish. That is obvious. What is not obvious is what in the world is wrong with Mr. Lakin.

Perhaps this quote from the aforementioned Mr. Lakin will help us figure it out. He said, "I’m not looking for $10 million. ’m looking for someone to stand up and say, ‘We’re sorry Mr. Lakin, we’re sorry Kendell. We want to make this right and hey everybody this food is hot.’" Hmmm. No. No, that didn't help me sort through this at all.

"Hey everybody this food is hot"? That's what he wants? He didn't know that there was hot food at a KFC?! I'm going to take umbrage at that statement (basically because it's rare that I get to take any umbrage at all anymore, so when I see a chance for umbrage, I jump at it). He knew there was hot food at the KFC. His daughter knew there was hot food at the KFC. The only thing that no one could have possibly known at that KFC was that his daughter was going to have a seizure. And I've got news for Mr. Lakin. There's no way that one can predict when a seizure is going to happen. It's going to happen whenever it wants to regardless as to the temperature of the food in front of the person having the seizure.

Mr. Lakin took his concerns to that particular KFC. He states: "One comment the manager said to me was, ‘The poutine comes in frozen so we really have to heat it up.' KFC needs to figure out how to make this poutine without burning people." KFC already HAS figured out how to make the poutine without burning people! They put it in a cup! They give folks a spork if they want one! (And who doesn't want a spork?) They don't ladle it, piping hot, into the bare hands of the restaurant's patrons! They don't force patrons to eat it out of the cup like a sow at a trough! They've got that one covered, Mr. Lakin!

Immediately following the inexplicable statement above, Mr. Lakin said, "You’ve got hot gravy and hot cheese, two really hot elements in there.” YES! Yes you DO! (Whew! For a minute there, I thought this guy was a complete moron. Oh, wait a minute. He's still blaming the hot poutine for burning his daughter when she had a seizure. Never mind. I'd like to retract that part about him not being a complete moron. Thanks.) You have two really hot elements that are going to burn anyone who touches their mortal flesh to them! That's why you see all of those folks blowing on food at virtually every restaurant establishment that serves food that isn't cold! It's to avoid the burns! We know that! We know about the "two really hot elements"!

What if she hadn't dove into the poutine? What if instead she ended up falling down and hitting her head on the concrete floor? Are you going to go around warning people that concrete is a very solid material and that people should be aware that if you fall and hit your head on the floor that it's going to hurt and is possibly going to injure you? I don't think that you are and do you know why I think that? Because it would be asinine, that's why! And acting like it was the fault of either the KFC or the poutine itself that your daughter got burned is just laughable.

Must I really state the obvious and say that it is not the fault of the KFC that Mr. Lakin's daughter was burned after she went face first in the poutine during an unpredictable epileptic seizure?! Really? The nature of hot food is that it's hot! The nature of a seizure is that it's a seizure! Let's try and put this in a different context (and let's also try not to sound like a complete ass while doing so). but if Mr. Lakin's daughter is prone to seizures, why isn't it her responsibility to only eat food that is cold in case this sort of incident happens again? Because that would be what? Ridiculous, that is correct. But if it weren't so ridiculous, wouldn't the argument be that eating only foods that were cold would be her way of taking responsibility for herself and her condition? Where is the responsibility of the individual in this story?! Oh, that's right. It's missing. Morons.

Wait! Just one more angle! Let's say that this moron is correct and that there should be a label or a sign or a talking dog (which would be kind of cool, really) that says that the hot food is, in fact, hot. Explain to me what effect that is going to have when someone has a seizure and goes face first into the hot food? The hot food that they knew was hot? (You know, because of the talking dog and all.) That's right! It's not going to have any effect. AT ALL!

Come on, sir! Just because something bad and/or unfortunate happens to someone, that doesn't necessarily mean that someone has to be blamed. It doesn't necessarily mean that someone is at fault. That's why some occurrences are called (wait for it) accidents! Sir, if you want to go around spouting some sort of message, how about you make it what to do in case you're around someone who has a seizure? At least that might do some good! But going around telling everyone that hot food is actually hot? Well, that seems like a waste of time on many levels. Stick to seizure awareness. People will hate you less.