Who Wore What To The Grammys

Grammy time! Obligatory post about fashion time! Comments from people who take this sort of thing way too seriously calling me an idiot time! Let's begin!

First things first. For quite a while now, Aretha Franklin has looked like she has eaten most of the folks who were up for Grammys. To say that she has been large is an understatement. But thanks to some undisclosed surgery for some undisclosed ailment (which had previously been disclosed as pancreatic cancer, but was then retracted and changed to undisclosed) she has lost a considerable amount of disclosed weight. While she didn't attend the actual Grammy ceremonies, she did appear on video looking much, much better. Behold!

See what an improvement that is from her Big Bird impersonation from a few years back?

See? Much better. And I hope that she keeps on getting better. No one should go through life being compared to a giant, flightless, avian Muppet. No one. Moving on, John Mayer made a douche-tastic appearance. He kind of looks like he's trying to be one of the Three Musketeers. I don't know which one. Maybe Balthasar. No, wait. He was a Wise Man. Never mind. Maybe he just wants to be Johnny Depp. Either way, it's not working. He's a tool.

Funny how he looks like a d-bag when donning the white jacket look, but when Justin Bieber tries it on, he (or she) looks like a waiter or a bartender. Check, please! (Justin needs to take a good, long look at Seth Rogen, as in about 15 years, that's going to be him.)

Nice sparkly silver pants there, Ricky. What's that? You say you're gay? Really? I never would have guessed.

A one Ciana decided to kick it superhero style with her outfit. All she needs now are some magic bracelets and an invisible plane and she can waltz right into the Hall of Justice, no questions asked.

Am I the only one who thought that Katy Perry's dress looked like a long condom with angel wings in the back? No, I don't know why a condom would have angel wings. That's just one more reason why it confused the heck out of me.

And I can absolutely overlook the fact that Kelly Osbourne looked like she was wearing a ruffly bath mat because she looked just stunning in it. Good for her. I guess that little dancing contest that she participated in a little while ago really did wonders for her body. She looks fabulous.

Then there was a one Rihanna who showed up wearing some sort of furry venetian blind number. I still don't quite get it. Where's the little wand that hangs off the side to flip them up and down?

I'm not fond of children acting like adults. I think that's why I really detest this photo of Willow Smith. What's with those shoes? Is she holding a crown? I'm done here.

And finally, we have Lady Gaga. She arrived in an egg, of course. Wait. What now? An egg? Yes. An egg. An egg-egg? Sort of. I mean, it was an egg. See for yourself. Behold!

See? It's an egg...of...some sort. Is she really in there, you ask? Someone is in there. Er, something. I don't really know for sure. Whatever. Behold!

Hmm. Yep. She's in there all right. OK, then. I mean, I guess it could be worse. She could be in another meat suit. Maybe one made of all chicken this time. Ew! Gross. Yeah, the egg is much better than the meat. If she wasn't so talented, I'd be more critical of her. But she really has an amazing set of pipes on her, so I'm just going to leave it all at the egg!

Who Wore What to the Grammys

The Grammys were last night. (How come it isn't Grammies? Shouldn't it be Grammies? Maybe. But it's not. It's Grammys. But I digress.) And, as is my tradition with all of these self-congratulatory awards shows, I feel the need to review the fashion that presents itself. And I will say that I was rather disappointed this year. Sure, there's the mockable. That goes without saying with any of these awards shows. But there just wasn't the vast amount of choices that I usually have to gawk over and make fun of this year as there have been in year's past. (Anyone who suggests that it was low-key out of respect for the tragedy in Haiti gets stabbed.)

From the buzzy folks over there at Celebuzz.com, we have a one Ke$ha. And to quote those very witty and very funny folks from Celebuzz.com, " She looks like a figure skater doing the walk of shame the morning after prom." Couldn't have said it better myself. Behold!

Um, yeah. OK, first of all, I'm not a fan of the symbols as part of a name. That dollar sign there in place of the "S"? That just doesn't do it for me? What say you use some of that $ that you've been earning and go out and buy yourself an "S", all right?

Here we have the American Idol runner up from last year, a one Adam Lambert.

Adam seems to be going for a look that is somewhat of a cross between Alice Cooper and Colonel Sanders. Behold!

The chap below is Mike Sorrentino. You might know him as "The Situation", but only if you have a penchant for watching trashy MTV shows like Jersey Shore. Mike is very proud of his stomach and he has absolutely earned that right, it looks swell. I just don't know if he needs to be unbuttoning his shirt at the Grammys. We've seen it. We know. And his sideburns that he shaved into what appears to be a "J"? Well, that's a whole different situation right there.


Speaking of Jersey Shore, here we have a one Nicole Polizzi, aka Snooki. Now Snooki is famous for, among other things, her "bump" on her hair. She has the whole Bumpit thing going on only without the Bumpit. But here she is at the Grammys and she is sans bump. What's up with that? We only keep reality show participants like her around for a reason and her reason is the bump. Without the bump, she more useless than she is with the bump. (Granted, with a dress that freaking short, most people aren't even going to notice that she has hair, but I'm just sayin'.) Bring your bump next time, Snooki. Bring it.

This is someone named Sheila Durcal. I have no idea who she is or what she does. Even more perplexing to me is why she is wearing a dress that looks like a walking advertisement for one of the PAAS Easter egg decorating kits. It's very strange.

This is a woman named Niecy Nash. I'm not real sure who she is either. But I'm also not real sure about her dress. Did part of it fall down? It's like the world's biggest dust ruffle or something down there. It looks lost.

Hi, Sheri Jones-Moffett? Yeah, Daniel called and he'd like his coat of many colors back.

Here we have one Rihanna with a very large shoulder accessory. After the debacle that preluded last year's Grammys, perhaps she was just looking for a little added protection for herself. You know, in case some little jackass thought about pulling a stunt like he did last year. (How happy was I to not see that jackass Chris Brown anywhere in that place? Very. That is correct.)

And finally, it just wouldn't be fashion at the Grammys if we didn't have a look at a one Lady Gaga.

She kind of has that Dee Snider look going on up top and sort of a spun sugar/cotton candy thing going on with the lower half. Either way, it's pretty mello for Lady Gaga. (Good Lord, I can't believe I just wrote that.)