Charlie Sheen Tattoo - LOSING!

I thought that the nation had reached its idiocy threshold simply because the Charlie Sheen "concerts" (or whatever you want to call them) have been selling out wherever it is announced that he is going to "tour" (or whatever you want to call it). Seriously. Selling out. He sold out TWO shows at Carnegie freaking Hall! I thought the answer to the old question "How do you get to Carnegie Hall" was "Practice. Practice. Practice." I guess the new answer is "Hookers. Crack. Fired from a hit TV show." But apparently the idiocy threshold was just barely cresting, as I just learned that someone has gotten themselves permanently inked with the atrocity below. Behold!

What I don't get is how anyone could have a tattoo like that AND have the word 'winning' underneath it. I think if I were the tattoo artist, when I got to that point I'd have to say, "Enough is enough."

A True Fan

There are an awful lot of different kinds of strange out there. And I'm not trying to imply that strange is bad. It is what it is...strange. But don't get me wrong, it's not like all strange is OK. It's not. That's why it's called strange. Look, I'm clearly leading up to something here, so what say I just cut to the chase, all right? OK, then. What we have today is a man who has an incredible fondness for a one Julia Roberts. I know. What's not to love? Well, if I had to choose, I'd say that it would be the manner in which this man expresses his affection for the actress is what is not to love. Behold!

Oh, what the hell is that?! That, my friends, is a one Miljenko Parserisas Bukovic. (You may pronounce that any way that you'd like.) From the good folks at The Daily Mail, we learn that Mr. Bukovic is a newspaper vendor from Valparaiso, Chile. We also learn that he became enamored with the lovely Ms. Roberts after seeing her in Erin Brokovich, for which she won an Oscar. It was a really good movie and she was really good in it, but I don't know that I have ever seen anything so good by anyone act so good that it made me want to go out and get 82 tattoos of the person who did all of the acting. And that's just one of the many, many ways in which Mr. Bukovic and I are different.

This 52-year old man has tattoos of Julia Roberts as Erin Brockovich all over his torso and arms. And let me tell you, it's a good thing that someone told me that the tattoos were supposed to be Julia Roberts, as I would not have guessed that. Ever. I've spent a fair amount of time (3-4 minutes tops) looking at the same pictures I've included here and I have yet to see one image that really stands out as being undeniably Julia Roberts. Not one. There is at least one that maybe could be her, but I would have had to have been drinking for quite some time in order to agree to that.

Below is a picture of the lovely Miss Roberts as she appeared in a scene in Erin Brockovich. After you're done ogling her lovely breasts, please let me know if you can find any of his tattoos that even come close to looking like this. (Being 'vaguely female in appearance' does not count.)

First Bad Tattoo Of 2011

That didn't take long. We have our first idiotic tattoo/amusing mugshot of 2011 already! I know! Can you believe it? Well, when you consider that the perpetrator in this instance has already been arrested over fifty times, it's really not that hard to believe after all. (It's also not hard to believe that we don't get any explanation as to why this guy has been arrested over 50 times and is still out and about. But that's because the media still sucks just the same in 2011 as it did in 2010. I'm glad that we didn't have to get more than three days into the new year before that was apparent.)

It's your typical unnecessary death due to an idiot. From CNYCentral.com we learn a couple of things. One of the things that we learn is that they need a better copy editor over there, as the address in the story is first reported as 1315 North Salina Street and is later, in the same article, reported as 1513 North Salina Street. But the other stuff we learn is that there was a party and some people got into a fight and one of the people decided to get all stabby on the other guy and killed him. Real nice.

The only good that can possibly come from something like this is that the scumbag who did this will (hopefully) finally be off the streets for good. Why someone who has been arrested over fifty times is still freely wandering about is beyond me. The only other good that I can think of is that we can make fun of him in his mugshot and his stupid, stupid tattoo. Behold!

That is a one asshat Malcolm Dame. Are we surprised that he's wearing a s***-eating grin on his face? Are we surprised that he's wearing a wife beater tank top? Are we surprised that he has a tattoo that says "Only God Can Judge Me"? I don't think that we're surprised at any of that. (OK, I'm a little surprised that his tattoo runs perfectly along the neck of the wife beater. You can't tell me that wasn't planned out that way.) But I do think that he will be a little surprised when he finds out that it isn't just God that can judge him.

Remedial Tattooing 101

Why do people get tattoos that suck? I don't mean that they're just weird or not my type or something like this:

Clearly, that man is getting ready for a crime spree like no other. That is, assuming that he hasn't just finished one. What the flock is that all about? Regardless, the point here is that even though I don't quite understand the meaning of it all, nor why someone would want to get that tattooed on their body (much less their head/facial region), it's not poorly done. Poorly thought out? Absolutely. Without question. But there is some effort that went into it. Can you say the same for this?:

I'm guessing you cannot. There are several issues with this tattoo, first and foremost being this chap's proclamation of his small unit. But it's just all wrong. The spacing between the "I" and the "HAVE" is almost non-existent. The font or the printing looks like my dog did it. What were you thinking, sir? (I'm guessing he was either really drunk or he lost a bet.) And who is that for, really? I don't want to know. Kind of like how I don't want to know what's going on with this tattoo. Behold!

Can you come up with any reason why there is a mohawk-ed creature with possibly only one arm, one leg and a misshapen manhood curled up underneath someone's man teat while flying saucers attack from the left? I'm only guessing about the flying saucers. I suppose they could be piles of poo. But the thing is that if it weren't so poorly drawn, there wouldn't be all of these questions. OK, fine. There'd be less questions. If your tattoo artist can't draw, what say you just forego any illustrations and just stick with text, like this bad boy did:

Hmm. I suppose I should have also added to make sure your tattoo artist is older than five and isn't using what appears to have been a sharpened Bic ballpoint. Was this picture taken before it was totally done, or is this it? I'm confused as to why the D in "bad" isn't finished yet. It looks like BAC BOYS FOR LIFE. What's a bac boy? Wait. Maybe that's how the subject of this next tattoo says "bad boy". Meet Asian Elvis!

I have no idea what went wrong there. Did the person want an Asian Elvis tattoo? I'm having a hard time imagining what would possess someone to want something like that on purpose. Granted, I am totally guessing that it's even supposed to BE Elvis. I have no idea. It could be anyone. Asian Elvis. Asian Nixon. Asian Bono. I have no idea. At least this guy didn't have a tattoo artist who couldn't draw or print. No, that was the case of this next unfortunate dimwit.

OK, I don't even know what that is, much less what in the heck it is supposed to mean.

You ate McdoNald2

2

?

What is that creature underneath there? Half rat, half reindeer? Two-legged sloth? It looks like alcohol was involved in more ways than one with that tattoo. It's really not making his bacne look any better. Just as the one below isn't doing much to detract from the guy's male pattern baldness.

I...I...I really don't know what to say. Was this man getting too much sex and so he had to take action to make sure that he never had any ever again? I can't imagine. Just as I can't imagine what possessed someone to get this on his ankle:

That is one sad snowman. "F**k no" is what that sign should read. Did someone pee on him? That's just wrong. And horribly done. As is this homage to the American porch sitter:

Yes, I realize that we can tell what it is, but that doesn't make it right. It looks like hell and the proportions are wrong. Not to mention that I'm sort of wondering why it only has three legs. But it's the same reason why I'm wondering why this next one only has one arm, not to mention what appears to be some sort of crown in what has to be the saddest kingdom ever.

That dragon thing looks stoned. Is he chewing gum? Where's his other arm? So many questions...so, so many questions.

Now That's A Tat!

It's been a while since we've taken a gander at some of the best of the worst that tattoos have to offer. I think it's time to remedy that a bit. Here we go....

This is something on top of someone's leg. I don't know what it is. It sort of looks like a double ended penis. And while I can't really say that that's what is, I also can't say for sure that it's not. It could easily go either way. Flip a coin. Let me know which one it is.

Speaking of penises, I'm kind of thinking that the one below is fake. It looks awfully Magic Marker-y to me. Then again, judging from the expression on the guy's face, he doesn't look like the most stable of all individuals. Thus, a real penis tattoo is not out of the realm of possibilities at all.

Speaking of strange tattoos of small things that I don't understand, here is a Gary Coleman tattoo on someone's left buttock side cheek area. The thing that is just a little bit more perplexing to me than someone wanting a HUGE tattoo of Gary Coleman on their ass-lear region is why someone has a weird black and white cut out photo of Gary Coleman stuck to a tongue depressor.

Next, we have a man who seems to be really unclear on the concept of what it is that ladies love. Granted, there are an awful lot of ladies out there and there are an awful lot of different things that they all love, but I think it's pretty safe for me to say that I highly doubt that any of them are going to love that.

Sure. That's how the days go. 1st. 2nd. 3th. Wait. What?

Clearly, this was not thought out very well. Once she's given birth to that baby elephant (I'm guessing, based solely on the size there) or herd of gazelles (again, still speculating) that "THUNDERDOME" tattoo is going to look a little silly. That is, unless she plans on continuing her enormous carriage weight there.

Oh, if only a little bit more patience had been practiced here, one might have taken the time to consult a dictionary and figure out how to spell correctly. And what is with the weird "e" floating about the "n" there? Is that an arrow pointing to the "n"? In case I lost it?

The sad part about these tattoos is that there are apparently two different individuals involved here. That means that not one, but two people thought that this would be a good idea. It's like a permanent ink version of the medallion broken in two halves that each tool wears. And while I think that everything is spelled correctly, it's really hard to tell because you can barely read the damned things. I'm sure that every ending does have a new beginning. This is the end of them not being made fun of and the beginning of relentless teasing and probably celibacy.

Sure. Having "F*** You" tattooed where your eyebrows are supposed to be is completely appropriate. No, it's not off-putting at all. In fact, I'd be surprised if prospective employers weren't lining up outside of your prison cell for a chance to hire you. Seriously, what is wrong with you, sir?

And for the last time, Y-O-U apostrophe R-E spells "you are". Y-O-U-R spells your!