Those Don't Go In There

Just because you can do something with your body, that certainly doesn't mean that you should. In fact, I'm going to come out against most things that you can do with your body. I'm going to come out vehemently against using your body as some sort of a storage unit/hidey hole for foreign objects in a last ditch effort to avoid getting in even more trouble.

You can tell where this is going, right? According to the news source for lovely Scranton, Pennsylvania, thetimes-tribune.com tells us the story of a one 27-year old (and old enough to know better) Karin Mackaliunas. She was apparently at the scene of some sort of automobile crash when the car was being towed. (It is unclear to me if she owned the vehicle or had anything to do with the vehicle because the media sucks and this is a poorly written article that I'm attempting to work off of here. Bear with me. These really aren't overly important details to the gist of the tale, but it does irritate the crap out of me that they're not there.) And for some reason, an officer asked for Ms. Mackaliunas "...to be detained because she was suspected of stealing items from the inn." What inn, you ask? How the heck should I know? The media sucks, remember?

She was detained and the cop found three bags of heroin in her pocket. (That gives me a pretty good idea of why she was suspected of wrongdoing in the first place. Folks that go around with heroin in their pockets are the type of folks who you would think stole everything from the inn, including the manger out back.) She gets arrested and gets driven back to the police station. It was on that ride back that the officer noticed that our heroin enthusiast was a little fidgety.

They get back to headquarters and some sort of a struggle ensues between this young lady and the arresting officer. It's unclear as to why there was a struggle. What is clear is that at some point "...Ms. Mackaliunas asked to speak with Sergeant Michael Mayer and told him she had hidden more heroin in her vagina." Of course.

The vagina is not a reasonable method of transporting drugs. It's also not a reasonable method of transporting other items as well. After a search by a doctor at Community Medical Center, it was discovered that this woman was also storing "54 bags of heroin, 31 empty bags used to package heroin, 8.5 prescription pills and $51.22." Wait. What now?

That's right. She practically had an entire freaking CVS Pharmacy up her hoo-ha. What. The. Hell. And look, I can sort of understand the drugs. And I can sort of understand the drug bags. (You have to be prepared to bag up the new drugs that you get. And what better receptacle to put your drugs in than a bag that has been sitting in a woman's vagina for God knows how long. Ewww. Don't do drugs, kids. And for God's sake, don't do any that came out of someone's vagina.) And I guess I can understand the 8.5 prescription pills. But for the love of all that is rational, I cannot fathom why she would shove fifty one dollars and change up there! Why the change?! What were you afraid of, cupcake? My God! Do you realize how much stuff that IS? If you don't, I have prepared this handy graphic to help you visualize this scenario. Behold!

Shocking, is it not? And as surprised as I am that she shoved all of that up there, I'm also surprised that it stayed up there. I mean, seriously. Without going into overtly graphic detail, if you have the square footage to cram all of those wares in there, I'm guessing that the front door isn't all that secure. You follow me? Good, because I don't want to have to explain that it must be like those swinging doors you see in the old timey saloons. Flappin' back and forth after a patron enters the bar. Wow. I think I just grossed myself out with that visual I just provided. Yep. I certainly did.

One final note here. If you're someone who enjoys doing drugs, any drugs, and someone offers you drugs that she has just pulled out of her vagina, you need to take a good hard look at your priorities in life if you're going to consider doing those drugs. Seriously. And take your time.

First Bad Tattoo Of 2011

That didn't take long. We have our first idiotic tattoo/amusing mugshot of 2011 already! I know! Can you believe it? Well, when you consider that the perpetrator in this instance has already been arrested over fifty times, it's really not that hard to believe after all. (It's also not hard to believe that we don't get any explanation as to why this guy has been arrested over 50 times and is still out and about. But that's because the media still sucks just the same in 2011 as it did in 2010. I'm glad that we didn't have to get more than three days into the new year before that was apparent.)

It's your typical unnecessary death due to an idiot. From CNYCentral.com we learn a couple of things. One of the things that we learn is that they need a better copy editor over there, as the address in the story is first reported as 1315 North Salina Street and is later, in the same article, reported as 1513 North Salina Street. But the other stuff we learn is that there was a party and some people got into a fight and one of the people decided to get all stabby on the other guy and killed him. Real nice.

The only good that can possibly come from something like this is that the scumbag who did this will (hopefully) finally be off the streets for good. Why someone who has been arrested over fifty times is still freely wandering about is beyond me. The only other good that I can think of is that we can make fun of him in his mugshot and his stupid, stupid tattoo. Behold!

That is a one asshat Malcolm Dame. Are we surprised that he's wearing a s***-eating grin on his face? Are we surprised that he's wearing a wife beater tank top? Are we surprised that he has a tattoo that says "Only God Can Judge Me"? I don't think that we're surprised at any of that. (OK, I'm a little surprised that his tattoo runs perfectly along the neck of the wife beater. You can't tell me that wasn't planned out that way.) But I do think that he will be a little surprised when he finds out that it isn't just God that can judge him.

This Stuff Writes Itself

Sometimes, I read stuff that will practically write itself on this blog. Today was no exception. I read this little gem over at Roanoke.com: "A man who hung his GED certificate above his methamphetamine-cooking rig, then fled police by taking to the woods with a tent and a bowl of macaroni and cheese, pleaded guilty today to charges that could send him to prison for years." Seriously, does it get much easier than that? Not by a lot it doesn't.

Here's the scoop: A one 29-year old and old enough to know better John Thomas Nelon Jr., had been making meth in his garage. That alone shows he's not all that bright to begin with. And when police received tips and conducted a search back in May, this genius left little doubt as to who the police were looking for. That's because this proud, proud scholar had conveniently hung his freaking GED certificate on the wall directly above his meth making contraption. (Is it a contraption? Or a process? I'm a little unclear on all of the particulars of the methamphetamine-production-out-of-your-garage gig.) And by the way, he looks just about like you'd expect him to look. That's him over there on the right.

Wow. 29 years old and proudly displaying your GED. I wonder when he got it? Being as how it was so prominently displayed, I would just gather he's a recent recipient of said GED. I can't figure why you'd put something like that above your meth maker. (That's what I'm going to call it since I don't know what it is.) Maybe he was doing it to impress his girlfriend. Because, you know, girls who are only fifteen are quite impressionable. Wait. What?

Correct. He has a fifteen year old girlfriend. Nice life she's living there, eh? I wonder what her story is. Actually, I can kind of probably guess what her story is and my guess would be sad. There didn't seem to be any charges relating to his having a 15-year old girlfriend, so I guess that sort of thing is just fine and dandy in Virginia. I mean, he basically admitted, by pleading guilty, that he had "...manufactured meth and that he did so in the presence of a minor." I had not idea that was even a charge. What about the other things he probably did with said minor? Y'all don't have anything for that?

Apparently, after Einstein made a break for the woods with his tent and his trusty bowl of mac n' cheese, he relied upon said girlfriend to resupply him. And with her being about as smart as he was, she apparently did not notice (or didn't even consider the possibility) that she was being watched by officers when she trotted back into the woods with...I don't know what. More mac n' cheese? Some Spaghettios, perhaps? When officers went in to apprehend him, "Nelon tried to run, but he did not outrun the police dog". I wonder what he took with him during his run that time? His peanut butter and jelly sandwich?

See, I never understand what these folks who run from the authorities are thinking is going to happen. Did he really think that his ingenious plan of fleeing into the nearby woods with A tent and A bowl of macaroni and cheese was going to help him foil a fleet of cops that were going to be looking for him? Was he hoping they were just going to give up like it was a game of Hide and Seek? Did he really think that this was going to help him in any way? He must have, but I just don't get that way of thinking. Then again, I fancy myself a tad more intelligent that a carrot, which might be a little too generous of a vegetable to compare Mr. Nelon to.

When in court, after a description of what went down was presented, "Nelon chuckled at (the) account and told the judge he did not dispute it." Even he knows how ridiculous he was! And I'll be that the wasn't the only one in that courtroom laughing. What a maroon.

Hardly A Spree

We have a winner! Yep, with only a little over a month left to go in the year, I think we have a winner for Mugshot of the Year. Sure, there have been a lot of notable ones up to this point, but I really think this guy is going to be hard to top. Behold!

Yep. There you have it. Did I tell you? It's a winner. Apparently, the chap in that photo is a one Mark Siebenmorgen and according to the news footage over there at KATU (that's in Portland, Oregon), he "...went on a one-man crime spree last month in Milwaukie and when they caught him he graced them with this priceless look for his mug shot." Huh. Crime spree, eh? Like what kind of a crime spree? Apparently in Portland, the "crime spree" occurred when he "...walked up to a total stranger and shoved him to the ground. Minutes later, he jumped on a car, stomped on its hood, flexed his muscles and kicked out the windshield before running away. Police say they caught Siebenmorgen the next day after he showed up at a Safeway at southeast King Street making rude comments to employees." Wait. What?

THAT'S your crime spree? It sounds to me like the guy thought he was the Incredible Hulk, only without all of the turning green and hulking. I don't know if I'd call that a "crime spree". Granted, it's awfully erratic, but where is the spree part? The shoving part is uncalled for at best. Is that a crime? I guess it's assault. Kicking the windshield in is definitely a crime. Being rude to Safeway employees isn't exactly good manners, but it's hardly a crime. And this whole story is hardly worthy of the moniker "spree". No wonder he looks so crazed. He's totally misunderstood. Yeah. That's it.

A Trial Won't Help The Crazy

From the fine folks over there at the NY Times, we learn of a one David Tarloff and his trials and tribulations. Mr. Tarloff is schizophrenic. That was evidenced no more clearly than back in 2008 when he killed his psychologist, a one Dr. Kathryn Faughey, by hacking her to death in her office. In what would seem to shock no one, Mr. Tarloff was deemed unfit to stand trial.

The article states that "This was the second time Mr. Tarloff, who has a history of psychosis, was declared unfit for trial since his arrest." Really? History of psychosis? You don't say. Was that figured out before or after all of the hacking that went on? I'm guessing that afterwards it was probably really clear if it hadn't been beforehand. In fact, after all of the slashing "His lawyers had told the court that...he was driven to it by voices that he thought were God telling him to do it." I see. So, what is it that is the problem here?

Well, last year "...doctors determined that Mr. Tarloff was in a good enough mental state to stand trial, and so the case proceeded and opening statements were expected Monday." Is that our standard now? A "good enough" mental state? Not great. Good enough. Look, I'm all for putting people on trial who are completely competent, but when you're dealing with schizophrenia, you might just want to hold off a little bit. Good enough might not actually be good enough, you know?

By the way, the reason that they declared him unfit for his trial this time? He "...refused to leave his holding cell to go to court for jury selection on Friday afternoon." That's it? He doesn't want to go into court and so that makes him unfit? Why is that? The article explains that "Someone is declared unfit when he or she is mentally unable to assist in his or her own defense." Sooo...not going into court is unable to assist in their own defense? Since when? If you're so hell bent on putting this obviously crazy individual on trial, what say you just haul his ass in there anyway and see how it goes, alright? How bad could it be? He's nuts, after all. His contribution will likely be minimal. (It will also likely be entertaining as hell, but I'm told that's not what the justice system is for.)

Look, it's pretty obvious that this guy is fruit loops. He needs a mental institution...for a long, long time. No need to rush things. It's not like he's going anywhere. But I certainly don't see any point in trying to hurry along a trial for a guy who really needs some serious head shrinking. It's just a waste of everyone's time. He did it. We know he did it. Is the trial really all that necessary when that conclusion is completely obvious? I'm not so sure that it is.

Jail Isn't The Only Punishment

There are a whole lot of different kinds of crazy out there. Some of the crazy is the kind where the person absolutely can do something to help themselves. And the other kind of crazy is the kind where the person absolutely needs some serious freaking help. And in situations where no one else is really overly harmed, I don't think that there needs to be much more of a penalty than getting the person some serious, and I mean freaking serious, help.

Take the case of a one Bethany Storro. About a month ago, she looked like this:

She's a fairly attractive woman in that photo. I don't know that from looking at that photo (or any photo, for that matter) that you'd be able to tell that she is one seriously disturbed individual. I say that because after August 30, she looked like this:

Yeah, see the facial disfigurement that you're witnessing there came from what she claimed was a black, female stranger coming up to her on the street and throwing acid in her face. Ouchie! She said that a woman who she didn't know came up to her on the street and said something to the effect of, "Hey, pretty girl. Do you want to drink this?" The alleged woman then allegedly threw an extremely caustic substance in Ms. Storro's face. The burning off of her skin did immediately commence.

And yes, that sounds like a tragic tale. Many people thought the same thing and the donations came pouring in to the tune of around $28,000. People can be really giving and generous at times. They can also get seriously pissed off when they find out that the person that they are giving money to staged the whole thing herself and doused her own face with acid. Wait. What now?

Correct. Ms. Storro has admitted to throwing acid in her own face and making up the entire story. According to the Daily Mail (why I can't find this particular bit of information in US media sources would be simply stupefying if I hadn't already come to grips with the fact that the media blows), Ms. Storro "...had poured the drain clogging chemicals on her own face after buying it from a DIY store." So, she burned her facial skin off with Drano, essentially? Seriously. What the what?

See what I mean? She's not well. And here's where the thing gets just a little complicated. (Not much, mind you. Just a little.) See, she took those $28,000 in donations and began spending it on herself and her family. Yeah, you can't do that when you're lying about stuff. It's really frowned upon. She allegedly bought a computer, some clothes, train tickets (people still take trains?), and took her family out for expensive meals. Kind of odd behavior (if you're asking me) from someone whose face was allegedly just ruined in a random, hideous attack by a stranger.

I'm guessing it was behavior such as that which sort of clued the cops in that there might be something more to this. That and the fact that the patterns in which the acid had scarred her face were not consistent with something being splashed upon her. And when she finally confessed that she made the whole thing up, that's exactly what the deal was. It hadn't been splashed. It had been dabbed on, as "...Miss Storro told police her original plan was to commit suicide, but she changed her mind as she dabbed the acid on her face."

Holy freaking hell. How on earth could you stand the pain of having just a little acid dabbed anywhere on your body?! Then again, how on earth could you think that dabbing acid on your face would kill you? I don't know either, but when she realized that she had chosen the wrong suicidal path, "She allegedly told police: ‘When I realised it wasn’t killing me, I thought maybe this was the answer to all my problems - to have a completely different face." Turns out, it was just the beginning of her problems, though she did accomplish her goal of a completely different face.

As is the case with most instances that are completely inexplicable (totally without splick), she thought that she was smarter than everyone else. She told the police, "I thought there would be no evidence of me doing it to myself. I thought that you guys would give up trying to find the person and it would be done." Wow. Not a lot of faith in the long arm of the law. Does she not follow any news at all? If a bunny rabbit gets a blister on its paw and it makes the news, people send in donations like there is no tomorrow. Of course it isn't going to go away that easily.

Because Ms. Storro used the funds that were collected under the guise of her poorly thought out ruse, that amounts to what is called 'theft by deception' and she was charged with three felony counts of it. My question here is: Is that really necessary? Look, I understand that it is not OK at all to take advantage of the inherently good nature of a lot of people. Does this really need to go through the legal system? Can't she just be committed to a mental hospital/facility for quite some time? She is obviously in need of some intense treatment for some severe mental issues. What good is dragging this through the courts going to do? I could see it if she was one of those scumbags who claim to have cancer and then the entire town holds a myriad of bake sales and the person turns out to not have cancer at all and has spent all of the proceeds on a new double wide trailer. Those people need be dealt with by an angry mob of the people that they ripped off. But this woman? Come on. Really?

I don't know how long it will take to treat a woman with the issues that Ms. Storro obviously has, but I hope it takes a really long ass time. I hope that the folks at the facility that she has already checked herself into are going to recognize the extreme depths of her problems and treat her accordingly (unlike the dolts at UCLA who let Lindsay Lohan out after a couple of weeks and said that she doesn't have a substance abuse problem). Make her return the money that she spent and drop the charges. Trust me, she'll be punished for the rest of her life having to live her life as herself. It's never going to be easy from here on out. Isn't that enough? I think that in this case that it probably is.

Antoine Speaks Out

If, for some reason, I had previously thought that it wasn't a good idea for any news station to interview the "regular people" when something has happened, I would like to take that thought back. I would like to take it back right now because I have been "introduced" to a one Antoine Dodson and we need to hear a little bit more from folks like him and his sister, Kelly, on occasion.

Here's the story: This took place on the 500 block of Webster Drive in Huntsville, Alabama. (And if I've keyed into something in the news from Alabama, you know it's going to be good.) Apparently, a one Kelly Dodson was at home and in her bed when an intruder climbed in through her window, climbed in bed with her and attempted to rape her. Not cool. And it's not like her window was on the ground floor. No, this chick was on the second floor. Was it Spiderman? Um, I don't think so.

It's extremely fortunate that her brother who lives with her, a one Antoine Dodson, heard her scream ran into her room to help her. So, the good thing is that he was there and no one got raped. The bad thing is that the wanna-be rapist managed to escape. But the really good thing is that Antoine and his sister both were interviewed by the local TV station, WAFF. The video is below. Behold!

Oh, is that not a sweet, sweet gift sent straight from Alabama? I believe it is. And ol' Antoine. He reminds me of someone. I just can't quite place who. Oh, wait a minute! Now I know! Donkey from Shrek! Behold!

Yeah, I knew that I had seen him somewhere before. But I'll get back to him in a minute. Let's review what his sister had to say.

"I was attacked by some idiot from out here in the projects. He, he, he tried to rape me. He tried to pull my clothes off. " I do enjoy that she calls the guy an idiot. Not a lot of victims are willing to be that straight forward. A lot of victims would rather be WAY more victim-y. But not her. She wants to make sure that we're all aware that the guy was an idiot. I appreciate that.

But what I appreciate more is her brother, Antoine, giving his impression of what happened. Let's review, shall we?

"Weeelllll...obviously we have a rapist in Lincoln Park. He's climbin' in yo windows. He's snatchin' yo people up, tryna rape 'em. So y'all need ta hide your kids, hide your wife, aaaaannnd hide your husband 'cause they're rapin' errybody out here....We got your T-shirt. You done left fingerprints behind. You are so duuuumb! You are really duuumb! For real. ....You don't have to come and confess that you this. We're lookin' for you! We gonn fiiiiind you. (This next part is a little questionable because it's hard to understand Antoine's, um, dialect. Yeah, that's it. It's difficult to understand his dialect because, um, well...oh! Because he's so upset! Yeah, that's it. Because he's so upset and...stuff.) I'm gonna you know nack! (Remember, that could be wrong. I really have no clue as to what he said. It sounded kind of foreign, but I just can't quite place that accent.) You can run and tell THAT! (Slight pause) HomeBOY!"

Yeah, that's just completely awesome. I like how he is looking out for everyone with his warnings that the community should heed. Hide your kids, but don't stop there. Hide your wife as well. And what the heck, hide your husband for good measure as well. No sense in leaving husbands unprotected. And I also appreciate the confidence level that he has in the police and their ability to solve crimes based upon minimal evidence. Usually, the impression that you get of folks in the projects is that they don't have any faith in the police. But not Antoine! Oh, no! He's fully convinced that this will result in the arrest of the perpetrator. Good for you, Antoine! Way to support your public servants!

We need more victims like Kelly and Antoine. It would make the news a heck of a lot more entertaining, that's for sure.

It Puts The Lotion On Its Skin

What's going on in the world of crime these days, you ask? Same old, same old. Bunches of idiots, all trying to break the law, with some failing in a spectacular fashion.

Let's first start in Springfield, Massachusetts where Breitbart.com tells us about a one Chamil Guadarrama. Mr. Guadarrama, aged 30-years old and old enough to know better, was arrested at a Bath and Body Works with what must have had to have been extremely chafed skin. Now, allegedly, Mr. Guadarrama was chased by mall security officers. Shockingly, the most surprising aspect of this story will not be that mall security officers can actually run. No, the most surprising aspect will be that Mr. Guadarrama could barely run himself. Because his pants were stuffed full of lotion that he was allegedly stealing. All alleged 75 bottles of it. Wait. What now? Allegedly?

That's correct. Mr. Guadarrama had 75 8-ounce bottles of lotion shoved down his pants. I didn't read anywhere in the story that Mr. Guadarrama was eight feet tall, so I'm presuming him to be of normal height and semi-normal girth. Along those same lines, I'm also presuming him to be of less than below average intelligence for attempting this caper of the inexplicable.

According to the folks over at MassLive.com "...Guadarrama was found with 75 8-ounce glass bottles of lotion stuffed into his pants." Glass bottles? How did he get them all in there, you ask? "A clerk at the store spotted Guadarrama slipping bottles of lotion through his zipper..." Never mind. Too much information. (I guess I thought it would have been harmless to know, but now I'm really sorry I asked.)

Honestly, did this guy think that this would work? He has 75 bottles of lotion in his pants which are tied at the bottom with a string (you know, so the lotion doesn't fall out as he hobbles off to make his getaway). He can barely walk. He certainly can't run at anything above a lethargic trot. How was all of this falling in place in his head? I can't imagine. There's also the fact that someone at the store might notice that suddenly they're out of lotion!

That equals out to 37-1/2 pounds of lotion. And that's just the liquid! That's almost 5 gallons of lotion. And that IS just the liquid! But none of those figures are including the weight of the containers! As you can imagine with that much stuff crammed into your pants, he didn't exactly tear out of the mall like Usain Bolt or anything. According to a one Sgt. John M. Delaney, Guadarrama "...had a hard time running and was extremely bowlegged.” Ya think?! AND, in the utmost example of irony "Guadarrama’s legs were also “extremely chaffed” when he was taken into custody following his run (and) He needed the use of some of the stolen items." OK, soooo...what was going on here?

Wait. Let's wait a minute. Let's not worry about what he was thinking for just a moment and instead, let's focus on what in the hell he could need that much lotion for! Was he planning to be like that freaky guy in Silence of the Lambs? You know, the "It puts the lotion on it's skin" dude. (Creepy show. Awesome, but creepy as hell.) I needed to know! But then I might have found out and I didn't want to know anymore.

Doing your basic Google search (please click, as it's highly amusing), I came upon a Chamil Guadarrama who was a registered sex offender in Framingham, Mass. Ew!! Said offenses which landed the alleged lotion thief on the list by which those who offend sexually were stated as being: Indecent A&B on a Person over 14; Assault on Child with intent to Rape; and Rape. He appears to have been convicted of all of those in November of 2005. Ummm....Framingham? Massachusetts? Anyone? What in the hell was this guy doing out of jail? Out of prison? Out of anywhere with or without lotion?!?! Seriously, Massachusetts?! This guy is out there raping what appear to be children or at the very least, a child and y'all let him out of jail less than 5 years later?! Why would that be?! Did you cut his unit off first? No? Then I'm still going to be waiting for a logical reason as to why this guy is roaming the streets with his pants crammed with what is likely to be very pleasant smelling bodily lotions.

Note to self: Avoid Framingham, Massachusetts like the freaking plague!

This can't end well.

2009, Take Jon Gosselin With You. Please!

Let's end this year by one last post (for the year, not forever) about the asshat that is Jon Gosselin, shall we? I should have known that something regarding him was going to surface shortly because things had just been too darn quiet on the guy-with-eight-children-divorces-wife-and-acts-like-an-a-hole-in-public front for too darn long. And if any of Jon Gosselin's other antics were any indication, he's such a media whore that it was likely just killin' him that his self-congratulatory mug of much greater girth was not plastered all over the Internet and the supermarket tabloid covers. What to do? What to do? Slink away quietly into oblivion and try to co-raise your eight children without very many public to-dos? Naaahhh. What say you allegedly fake up a burglary of your New York apartment so that you can blame it on the chick that you've been sleeping with, all right? All right!

Here's the scoop: According to the alphabet folks over there at ABC News, Jon Gosselin had spent Christmas with his children (shocking, I know!) and when he returned home to his apartment in New York, it was to "...find his brand new, Upper West Side apartment burglarized and wrecked beyond belief." Huh. Really? Hmmm. What else?

Well, according to his lawyer, a one Mark Heller (fitting), "he entered his apartment in Manhattan and was horrified, disheartened and saddened to observe the devastation of his furniture, clothing and personal belongings, which were apparently slashed with a butcher knife by a very troubled and sick perpetrator." Um, since when did statements by lawyers turn into Shakespearean soliloquies? "Disenheartened and saddened to observe"? Who in the heck says stuff like that in regard to coming home to find some of your stuff missing and your remaining stuff trashed? Not many people that I know, that's for sure. My reaction upon coming home to something like that would have been, "WTF" and "911". But, according to his spokeshole attorney, Jon's reaction was that he "...immediately contacted me and facilitated the able assistance of the New York City Police Department who immediately dispatched an experienced detective to Jon's apartment." Huh.

Now, maybe it's just because I don't have eight children and haven't recently divorced my wife because I'm such a dill hole that I don't understand that reaction. His first reaction is to call his attorney? Because he couldn't "facilitate the able assistance of the NYPD" on his own? Is he not familiar with 911 and how that whole system works? Did he forget the number to 911? I don't understand why he had to call his attorney first. And what's with the mentioning that they "immediately" sent out an "experienced detective"? Was he afraid we'd all get the impression that the NYPD took their time before sending over a complete idiot? I don't get that.

The spokeshole/attorney claimed that Jon "found a note "speared" into his wooden dresser. His television, CD player, coffee maker, Nintendo Wii, dishes, pots and pans had been taken from his home. Clothing, luggage and bedding were slashed." All right. Hold on a minute. A person who is going to steal a Wii, a TV and a CD player is not the same person who is going to steal pots and pans. What's up with that? And a note "speared" into the dresser? Is this like some really bad, unaired episode of The Sopranos or something? Who does that? Actually, who rips off and then trashes someones apartment and then leaves a note? Um, no one. That's who. No one.

Now, it would appear that asshat Jon Gosselin and his girlfriend or whatever she is, Hailey Glassman, were sharing that apartment. It has since been claimed by Hailey that he was "abusive" towards her and she moved out. Glassman's attorney, a one Anand Ahuja (pronounce that any way you'd like) says, that Hailey "....didn't take anything from that apartment that she was not entitled to take with her." OK, this is starting to make a little more sense. See if you follow me here.

He goes back to Pennsylvania or Transylvania or wherever the heck he's from and while he's gone, she makes like a tree and leaves. She grabs her stuff (hence the disappearance of the pots and pans) and takes it with her. She doesn't tell him she's doing this because, well, why would she? These people haven't been acting like grown-ups since they thrust themselves into the media limelight this entire time, I don't know why we'd expect them to start doing so now. He returns back to his bachelor pad to find her stuff gone. She probably did leave him a note, but I highly doubt that she speared it on his dresser with a butcher knife. (Now that I think about it, that doesn't really sound as much like The Sopranos as it does like Scooby Doo.)

He reads the note and is ticked off that she's gone. He trashes the place himself, perhaps on purpose to blame it on her, perhaps just out of anger and then realizes that he's done something incredibly stupid and, like everything else in his life, refuses to take responsibility for it and has to blame it on someone else. Either way, I would be surprised if it turns out that Hailey had anything to do with the destruction of the apartment.

I'd also be very surprised if anyone else had anything to do with the trashing of the apartment other than asshat Jon Gosselin because it isn't like that isn't a secured apartment building or anything. It's not like there are not cameras and it's not like there is not security and it's not like just anyone could make their way up there. And have you ever tried to break into an apartment from just the hallway? I haven't either, but I would imagine that the logistics of it make it rather difficult. Thus all of this points to one person. That's right. Dumbass.

He might have figured that a little publicity can't hurt him. After all, about every deal that I had heard that he had in the works hasn't gone through. Since their show "Jon and Kate Plus Eight" was cancelled, I haven't heard of any other shows in the works for him. He was so incredibly stupid that he thought that the show worked simply because he was on it. He was so incredibly stupid and full of himself that he thought that even if they were divorced, that he was just so g-d fascinating that the offers would just come rolling in for him. For some reason. When they didn't and he realized that not only did his meal ticket not exist anymore, but he realized that he was the one that tore it up, well, that's when times get tough. And when times get tough, what better way than to continue your delusions of grandeur than to trash your own apartment and blame it on a woman?

And if for some reason you're at this point and you don't quite see how out of touch Jon is with everything in this world, let me share with you another little tidbit that his lawyer, Mark Heller, is quoted by Radar Online as saying: "Jon feels like he was raped." You know what? Guys don't get to say that. Guys don't get to say that they feel like they've been raped, got it? You know why? Because they don't, that's why. Jon Gosselin, you Dip-S, you don't have any idea what it's like to be raped. You don't have any idea what the fear of rape is like. But regardless of that, are you so effing stupid that you can't figure out that having your fairly newly purchased things stolen from an apartment that you've barely been living in for less than six months and that those are not the equivalent of "rape"? If you think getting ripped off is like being raped, you're going to be in for a huge shock if you ever are actually raped one day. A HUGE shock. That's when you'll realize that the two really have absolutely nothing to do with one another at all. Any by trying to equate the two like that, you have really succeeded in doing a couple of things.

One, you've succeeded in completely minimizing the trauma and the brutality of rape. And two, you've succeeded in making it crystal clear what a completely selfish a-hole you really are. If we never have to hear about you or your pathetic, self-serving existence in 2010 or ever again, it will be too soon. Goodbye, 2009! And take Jon Gosselin with you!