Shopping For The Rich And Ridiculous

Looking to spend an inordinate amount of money this Christmas? Want to buy lavish and pointless gifts? Of course you do! And you're going to want to turn to Neiman-Marcus to help you do this! Let's see what we can piss away holiday funds on this year, shall we?

Up first is the ever pretentious Folding Electric Bike. In part, the description reads "From the trunk of your car to under your desk, this electric bike folds up to slip into tight spaces". Why would you want this in your car? Wouldn't this be in place of your car? The thing is $1,995.00, so the price is kind of in place of your car. And I'm taking an issue with how it "folds up to slip into tight spaces". Really? Behold!

Does that look all that compact to you? Me neither. It's certainly not fitting under anyone's desk. Moving right along, do you want "Supremely weird looking cool ice-like, self-powered speakers deliver 55 watts per channel with DSP optimized digital power amplification for (allegedly) amazing sound."? Then these are for you. You weirdo. With a thousand dollars to drop on this ugly crap. Are you Superman? Are they going in your Ice Fortress? No? Then why would you want these?

What about a wet/dry electric shaver? Sounds practical, yes? Of course it does. And Panasonic has one with a "...multi-flexible head that pivots 360°, pop-up trimmer, and a fully automatic self-cleaning and quick-charging system." What's not to love? Well, the $400 price tag for starters. Four hundred dollars?! For a shaver? What the hell does it do that makes it worth $400? Does it actually do the shaving for you? No? Next!

Want to stay dry during the rain? Want to do it with an umbrella with a barely discernible skull at the base of the handle? Want to do all of that AND part with $495? Oh, wait. Too pricey? Yeah, well, then the Alexander McQueen Skull-Handle Umbrella might not be for you. Then again, they describe it as "A menacing skull forms the handle of this Alexander McQueen umbrella— show it off in your umbrella rack." In my umbrella rack?! What now?! Shouldn't that say something about using it to keep precipitation falling from the sky off of you?

What about your pills? Got pills? Always losing them as they roll about? (No, I don't know why they're not in the provided containers. I'm stretching this here as it is.) Need a box to keep them in? A pill box, perhaps? How about one encrusted with a bunch of Austrian crystals in a multicolor parrot motif? Yes? For $695? No? What?

What if it was in the motif of a blue bird? Same price, different avian species depicted! How about then? No? Hell, no? What?

What about for your correspondence needs? Been looking for "...cards are an eye-catching pumpkin hue with a white border (and) are engraved with bordered monogram"? Want to spend over ten dollars per card? Mind you, these aren't gift cards or anything. There isn't even anything written on these cards with the "eye-catching pumpkin hue". NOTHING! And fifty of them will set you back $605! Behold!

Who are you people who are buying those? Seriously, I need to know. How much of a pretentious ass are you? Good Lord. I'm guessing that the people who buy those use them to send out announcements to people to tell them that they have just dropped $3,500 on this little musical Santa. Behold!

If that's too much for you to spend on something that you could probably find a reasonable likeness of for about $25, you can always opt for the $995 donkey. But be warned! I don't think that he's musical. So if you want to spend a thousand dollars on a figurine of a donkey that just sits there and sparkles, this might be the donkey for you.

Or if you prefer, there's also a handcrafted ox which Neiman-Marcus says you can use to "...complete your nativity scene". It will also complete your wallet being emptied, as the ox is $1,200. (By the way, what kind of sparkly nativity scene are they used to seeing over there at Neiman-Marcus? Just how gay was Jesus in their versions?)

Cheap Christmas Gifts

I did a list of Clutter Free Gifts in an earlier posting. But how about CHEAP Christmas gift!?! If you are on a budget, then you might need some ideas on cheap Christmas gifts. Even if you aren't on a budget, you may just want to make a project this year of how much money you save instead of how much you spend on Christmas gifts. Anyway, I got online and found some great ideas for cheap Christmas gifts.

Gourmet coffees with a personal coffee cup

Pound of pistachios or other nuts

Child's artwork, framed

Teacup with box of herbal tea

Deck of cards and book of card game rules

Homemade cocoa mix in a pretty jar

Collage of special photos

Gel pens and pretty stationary You can make your own stationary by cutting 8 1/2 x 11 sheets in half and adding a rubberstamped image or some stickers.

Bottle of sparkling cider

Home baked bread, include recipe

Disposable camera or rolls of film

Small basket filled with a deli cheese, crackers and fruit

Craft supplies

Pretty basket filled with special jams or mustards that you made

Decorative napkins and napkin rings. You would be surprised at what nice napkins you can buy at yard sales or thrift stores. Launder, iron and make some napkin rings.

Fancy chocolate bars tied with a ribbon

Gardening gloves with a plant or flower seeds

Photo album, hand decorated is even better

Makeup tote

Prepaid photo developing envelopes

Homemade cookie mix with instructions for baking

Variety of bread mixes

Special coffee cup filled with candy

Fancy magazines tied together with a pretty ribbon

Gourmet popcorn and flavored oil

Locally made barbeque or steak sauce with basting brush

Pancake or waffle mix and a bottle of real maple syrup

Movie theater gift certificates

Jar of sourwood or pure honey with biscuit mix

Book of stamps

Picture frames, buy them on sale or at yard sales

Make your own cookbook, print and put in a binder you got at a yard sale

Pretty glass jar filled with candy

Collectible sports cards

Muffin mixes with muffin pan

Books, there are still a few for under $10, especially if you buy them at yard sales or library book sales or thrift shops

Set of dish towels and dish cloths

Nail polish kit

Pretty night shirt

Basket filled with kitchen gadgets

Video rental gift certificates

For the pets, gourmet dog biscuits or cat treats, you can make these yourself

Baking pans and supplies

Prepaid long distance phone cards

Pretty photo box for keepsakes

Colorful Post-It notepads

Address book and put your address in it

Christmas ornaments, you can make some great ones

Blank video or cassette tapes

Sewing supplies

Flashlight with batteries

Favorite quote embroidered on a nice handkerchief

Makeup brush set

Expensive socks, still under $10

Special soaps and bath puff

Home baked cookies!

Paint a clay pot. Think polka dots (using the eraser of a pencil dipped in acrylic paint), circles (using a glass turned upside down and pencil around it for a pattern, then paint), stripes, dip the top in paint and let it drizzle down. If you are good with painting, paint a scene or use a stencil.
Make a birdhouse and paint it if you want with your leftover house paint.

If you are able to knit and pearl then how about knitting a scarf. I haven't a clue about how to follow a knitting pattern but I can knit and pearl so making a scarf is easy! It's just a loooonnnngggg square! Or you can use cotton yarn and make dishcloths. It's just basically making a square. But you may be a knitter and know how to make socks, mittens, hats...Go for it!

If you can sew and have a sewing machine how about making doll clothes, Barbie dresses, pillows, tote bags, tablecloth, napkins. If you are a sewer then you know how to shop for fabric and bring home the cheap bargains.

Make a mixed CD

Make a DVD using family photos or old family movies and give to family members like Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles, etc.

Here is a place for making your own soaps, masks and lip gloss:
http://www.kidzworld.com/article/1897-homemade-soaps-lip-gloss-and-face-masks

How about jello popcorn for mass gifts? Here is the recipe:
12 Cups popped popcorn
1 (14 oz.) can Eagle Brand condensed milk
1 (3 oz.) pkg jell-o
Heat oven to 300. Line large roasting pan with foil and butter foil. Put popcorn in roasting pan, take out all unpopped kernels. Keep popcorn warm in oven. In medium sauce pan combine Eagle Brand with Jell-O and mix and heat over medium heat until thick and bubbly about 4-5 minutes. Pour over popcorn and stir well, Bake 20 minutes, stiring every 5 minutes, When cool break into pieces.

Don't forget the cheapo classic kid's gifts such as yo-yos, frisbees, jump ropes, magnifying glasses, Silly Putty, Slinkies, Play Do.

Make a dress-up box for boys or girls. For the girl's box, shop thrift stores or yard sales (or your own closet) and put together some scarves, high heel shoes, hats, aprons, dresses, cocktail dresses. Be sure and wash them before gifting them. Spray the shoes and hats with Lysol. For the boy's box put in cowboy boots, hats, ties, sports coat, Halloween costumes you got on sale after Halloween like firemen, policeman, pirate, etc.

Make a homemade felt board. Buy felt and use a large piece of cardboard. Cut the felt and glue to the cardboard to make a generic scene. Maybe a room in your house, or a hill top with clouds. Then use felt to make trees, bushes, houses, furniture, animals, even felt people (making to look like your family). If you don't feel comfortable with cutting in free form, use coloring book images as a pattern. The child can arrange the items on the felt board and tell stories.

How about making pillow cases? Trace their name on it with pencil and embroider them.

Make tie dyed tshirts for the teenagers.

Make walking sticks! Find branches that would make good walking sticks. Use a knife to whittle off the bark in several places. Use a burning tool to burn designs on these places such as animal heads, animal tracks, etc. After you have the designs burned on the stick then coat with a couple of layers of polyurethane. You can also drill a hole in the top and loop a piece of leather thong through it.

Fill a bucket up with outdoor fun things like giant bottles of bubbles, sidewalk chalk, jump rope, magnifying glass, a ball.

A blank journal or sketch pad. You can even embellish it yourself!

Make book markers.

Buy some plain and cheap photo frames. Decorate them according to the recipient's taste and put a favorite scripture or photo inside. Using glue or a hot glue gun you can glue on rocks, silk flowers, shells, beads, little painted wooden embellishments that you buy in the wood section of your craft store, their favorite candy wrappers, etc.

Make a winter scarf or afghan using fleece. It can be a no-sew project. Do a Google search on how to do it.

If you are a beader then make cheap bracelets, necklaces or ID holders.

Bath Salts
4 cups Epsom salts
2 cups sea salt
Essential oils for scent (lavender is excellent for relaxation, citrus oils also work well)
Food coloring (optional)
Mix the two salts together; this is the base for your bath salts. Using 2 cups of salt at a time, add 4 to 10 drops of essential oil and food coloring as desired. Mix well, then place in a ziplock bag. Let cure for two weeks, shaking at least once daily. Once salts have cured for two weeks, transfer to containers for use in gift basket.

Clock works can be bought at craft stores for $5-$7. Make a clock using anything. How about an old circuit board? An old plate (using a special drill bit for china)?

Read a book and make a book on CD for your loved ones. It just takes time.

If you are an artist how about making an original sketch, painting, story, CD of your songs, CD of your music, write a story, draw a cartoon, etc.

Use an old sweater to make a "winter" pillow.

Use old clothes to make a quilt, a quilted wallhanging. Especially meaningful if made from the recipient's old clothes.

Make a birdseed ball.

Make Christmas ornaments using old CDs.

Make a puppet.

Make finger puppets.

Make herbal olive oil or vinegars and put in old wine bottles. But the pour spouts for next to nothing.

Clutter Free Christmas Gifts

Christmas is coming up! Here are some ideas for clutter-free gifts. You know, we all have too much. Our kids may have so many toys they don't have room to store them and don't have time to play with everything they get. We have houses, attics, basements, garages full of stuff! And often we are renting mini-warehouse space for our junk. We end up having to store, organize, clean and maintain all this stuff. Wouldn't it be nice not to worry about more stuff, more clutter, more junk? So what can we give others that won't end up in boxes in the back of shelves, take up space in the garage, or jam up your closet? Here's a list I put together.

Ticket(s) to the movies, a play, a musical, a concert.

Coupon to a favorite restaurant, fastfood or family of nice restaurant.

A gift in their name to their favorite charity.

A gift card from a favorite store (don't forget their favorite grocery store).

A case of their favorite drink (Cokes, Pepsi, Blenheim Ginger Ales, Root Beer) or a package of their favorite tea or a gourmet coffee.

Make a deposit in their college savings account.

Buy a bond for them.

Give school supplies like spiral and ring bound notebooks, pencils and pens, notebook paper.

Give a magazine subscription.

Give dry goods mixed to make something such as a mason jar with 13 bean soup, muffin mix, cookie mix, drink mixes, etc.

A nice grouping of soap, lotion and body spray.

A new hair brush, comb and scrunchies.

A day at a spa.

A coupon for free manicure and/or pedicure.

Annual pass to a museum or nearby amusement park.

Season's tickets to their favorite team's events.

Make some homemade goodies like fresh baked bread, cake, pie, cookies, candy. Worried about giving all that sugar and calories? Then do some research on sugar free desserts. Those on diets or have special dietary needs would really appreciate some sugar free candy or cookies or muffins! Then there are cheeseballs, cheese spreads, frozen casseroles in tin foil baking pans (so they don't have to be returned).

A "coupon" or voucher for a personal service such as a free babysitting, a free bathroom clean, a free back rub, a free garage cleanout, free carpet shampoo with your carpet cleaner, free pet sitting for a weekend.

Give plants. If you have a plant that can be divided, sends up baby shoots, or can be clipped and rooted...do this and give to teachers, pastor's wives, etc. Look for nice pots during the yard sales like pretty sugar bowls sans lids, planters and pots, pretty large coffee mugs, etc for mere pennies!

Party Trays - gather things you would have for an instant party...a movie DVD, box of microwave popcorn and some bottled Cokes. Put this on a clear plastic tray (buy in party shops for a couple of bucks) and wrap up with heavy cellophane and lots of ribbon. Or put a couple of pretty teacups (bought at yard sales) with a jar of homemade Russian tea and a floral candle. Or put a couple of nice mugs (bought at yard sales) with some hot chocolate mix, some candy canes and a Christmas movie on DVD. Maybe they like music? How about some snack mix, a 6 pack of Rootbeer or Blenheim Ginger Ales and a music CD.

For a person in a nursing home: lotion, stamps, note cards, pens, address book with family addresses in it, journal, photo album with family photos, slippers, a gift certificate for having their hair done by the hair dresser that works at the nursing home, a cheap watch with LARGE numbers (cheap so that it doesn't get stolen).

A calendar or desk calendar with every family members birthday and anniversary noted. Use some stickers, bright colored pens, index size photos to make the calendar fun!

A package of compact fluorescent bulbs.

Emergency supplies for the car: Ice scraper, thermal blanket, windshield hammer, battery operated flashlight and radio combo, small tool kit, good battery cables, Call Police windshield shade, warning triangle sign.

A CD or DVD of family pictures or family movies. Something that the technically illiterate can use just by putting in their DVD player or in their computer without having to do anything else.

Good pens and pencils.

Purchase a reusable plastic container and add bath crayons, bubbles, bath paints, bath foam.

Pay for a class for a child such as music lessons, sewing lessons, cake decorating, pottery classes, swimming, scuba diving, gun safety, etc.

A hand made recipe book would be a good idea. A compilation of old family recipes from your family, and your friends' families. You can even embellish the pages, laminate them, add pockets, put down stories or notes as to the origin of the recipe. Include a photo of the person making it or of the dish or someone eating it.

Gift certificate at a book store, a book or a book on CD.

Knit a sweater, cap, mittens, socks or scarf from yarn found at goodwill/used clothing store.

If you are skilled in a particular area, offer a lesson or class.

Fill an old trunk, box, laundry bag or suitcase with fun clothing, hats and gaudy jewelry for children to play dress-up.

Gym membership or personal trainer service.

Software.

A scrapbook for someone that celebrates something. It doesn't have to be a large scrapbook. A small one like 8x8 or 4x4 or even using photo albums that have pages for 4x6 photos. Use a photo in one pocket and the next one for journaling and embellishment with stickers, etc. It could be about a family vacation, a special celebration like high school or college graduation or wedding or first born.

A scrapbook with some simple scrapbook supplies such as acid free paper, some stickers, acid free pen and adhesive. Give one of your old scrapbook magazines with it to give them ideas. This is great for children from 10 yrs old up to teens, young adults, older adults! By the way, the cheapest place that I've found really nice scrapbooks and photo albums is Ross. Here they are usually $4.99-$6.99 for a leather 12x12 scrapbook.

Enjoy Your VD

Today is Valentine's Day or, for those of us who are bitter and (technically) alone, Sunday. I don't really understand the point of this day. I mean, shouldn't you tell people that you love them all year 'round? Of course, that's provided that there are actually people that you would actually want to tell them that you love them because you actually do. That's a tall order, my friend. Very tall.

Regardless of my dislike for the holiday, if you like it, well, Godspeed. But don't screw it up, all right? If you're going to buy her (or him) something, make it something good. We love jewelry, but we usually like to pick it out ourselves. We love Victoria's Secret, but we'd prefer a gift card rather than some satin-y, scratch-y thing with garters that you'd pick out for us. (Believe it or not, there is sleepwear out there that is sexy and that does not make us feel like a five dollar hooker.) We love cash. No "but" with this one. Cash is cash. But there are some things that we do not want.

We do not particularly want flowers. Sure, flowers are nice, but you're getting so ripped off by buying flowers for Valentine's Day that it's hard to enjoy something that someone else got reamed up the wazoo for. (And if you've ever been reamed up the wazoo, you know exactly what I'm talking about.) I don't know any women who would be thrilled to be handed a box of chocolates. None. It's not that we don't enjoy candy because we do. But it's a whole box. And while we don't want to make you feel bad by not eating it, we also don't want our ass to end up being the size of Nebraska.

But let me tell you what we really don't want. We really, really, really don't want a teddy bear. We don't care if it's from Vermont. We don't care if it's dressed in some sort of 1980s aerobic gear complete with headband and leg warmers. We don't care if our name is emblazoned somewhere upon the animal. Yes, we realize that it's cute. But it's a teddy bear. And, well....with a world full of jewelry and gift cards and cash (my God, the cash!), it's difficult to be excited (or thankful) when handed a teddy bear.

The video below is courtesy of those fine folks over at Saturday Night Live. It's one of the funniest things they've ever done and it conveys the "Don't you dare buy me a teddy bear for Valentine's Day" sentiment better than anything else ever could. Enjoy your VD!