Do Not Feed The Bears

From the files of "Really? I'm shocked." we have this little gem from htrnews.com: "An Asiatic black bear at Lincoln Park Zoo bit off all or parts of four fingers from the hand of a 47-year-old woman Friday after she went past barriers and was trying to feed the animal." Uh-huh. And?

Don't get me wrong. I understand why this is news. I just don't understand why it isn't portrayed as the news that it really is. The news that it really is would be that this moronic woman ignored all sorts of signs and barriers at the zoo warning people (including her, I would imagine) to stay away from the cages containing said bears. The news that it really is would be that despite repeated signage and repeated warnings and the continued presence of the bears, this woman went ahead and decided to feed them a little snack. (No word on whether or not a pick-in-ick bas-KET was involved. Boo-boo was unavailable for comment.) I'm not so sure that it's news that a bear (which is a wild animal, don't you know) bit the woman's hand and bit off her fingers. That doesn't seem like it's news, per se.

But it's being treated like news. And it is just what it sounds like it is. (By the way, in the same way that it sounds like what it is, police say that alcohol may have been involved. Again, I'm shocked. Someone help me sit down.) What did the woman think was going to happen? It's a freaking BEAR, for crying out loud!

But here's the part that gets me. According to a one Aaron Buchholz, a wildlife biologist with the the Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources, "It appears at this point the bears will be saved,"...meaning not euthanized." What?

Why would the bear be euthanized? Because it went all bear on the woman?! How much sense does that make? The woman is moronic enough to stick her hand inside of the bear cage, the bear acts like a bear and eats her fingers off and it's the bear who should be euthanized?! Does it make me a bad person if I ask why we're not talking about euthanizing someone that dense?

Instead of euthanizing the bears who were just acting like bears, the woman, a one Tracy Weiler and her boyfriend, a one Lawrence Bosworth, have both "...agreed to undergo a series of preventative rabies vaccines, he said. The bears will be observed for a few days for signs of rabies." Wait. The bears will be observed for signs of rabies? Umm, look. I'm not a zookeeper. I'm certainly not a bearkeeper. But if you've got a couple of bears in a zoo, shouldn't you already know whether or not they have rabies? I'm not so certain that the "Rabid Bear Display" would go over all that well with animal activists and with most humans when you put it that way!

Apparently "State law requires wild animals to be euthanized if they bite someone unless the victim agrees to the vaccinations." Ohhhh. OK. So it's just a matter of a ridiculously stupid law. If the "victim" agrees to be vaccinated against something that the animal probably doesn't have, then the animal gets to live. BUT, if the "victim" doesn't want to go through the rabies shots, then the animal, who was only acting like an animal, gets put down. That's a fine, fine law you've got going for yourself there, Wisconsin. A fine, fine, bass-ackwards law there. What is wrong with people?

Do you know what the rabies testing involves? Just out of curiosity? I'd never thought much about it before. But fortunately, the fine people at htrnews.com gave us the low down. "...if the animals were put down they (the "victims") would have had to pay for euthanizing the bears and sending their heads to the state laboratory for testing as well as for replacing the bears." Huh.

Why the heads? It's just the heads. Who does that testing? The bear head testing for rabies? I'm guessing you need a degree or a certificate or something. And I can't even begin to imagine what the bear replacement costs would be. You'd have to go through all of the trouble of looking at potential replacement bears, maybe hiring a replacement bear locator service, etc. There's so many factors to consider. I'm guessing that just having rabies vaccinations is a much cheaper way to go as opposed to lopping off the bear's heads, having them tested and then replacing them. Much, much cheaper.

What's the moral of this story? I guess it's the obvious "Don't feed the bears." But can we please start to change the attitude of how these stories are looked upon when a wild animal in captivity acts like a wild animal in captivity and attacks someone? Can't we start to look at these things as being the fault of the humans involved and not the fault of the animals involved? If you're dumb enough to go past a sign that says "Don't go past this sign or you're going to get your fingers eaten off by that there bear" (or something to that effect), can't we repeatedly make it about that instead of about the bears? Please? It's no fun to be stupid, kids. It makes life hard. And your life is going to get a lot harder if you're stupid AND you're missing a bunch of fingers (especially a thumb). Much, much harder.

Enjoy Your VD

Today is Valentine's Day or, for those of us who are bitter and (technically) alone, Sunday. I don't really understand the point of this day. I mean, shouldn't you tell people that you love them all year 'round? Of course, that's provided that there are actually people that you would actually want to tell them that you love them because you actually do. That's a tall order, my friend. Very tall.

Regardless of my dislike for the holiday, if you like it, well, Godspeed. But don't screw it up, all right? If you're going to buy her (or him) something, make it something good. We love jewelry, but we usually like to pick it out ourselves. We love Victoria's Secret, but we'd prefer a gift card rather than some satin-y, scratch-y thing with garters that you'd pick out for us. (Believe it or not, there is sleepwear out there that is sexy and that does not make us feel like a five dollar hooker.) We love cash. No "but" with this one. Cash is cash. But there are some things that we do not want.

We do not particularly want flowers. Sure, flowers are nice, but you're getting so ripped off by buying flowers for Valentine's Day that it's hard to enjoy something that someone else got reamed up the wazoo for. (And if you've ever been reamed up the wazoo, you know exactly what I'm talking about.) I don't know any women who would be thrilled to be handed a box of chocolates. None. It's not that we don't enjoy candy because we do. But it's a whole box. And while we don't want to make you feel bad by not eating it, we also don't want our ass to end up being the size of Nebraska.

But let me tell you what we really don't want. We really, really, really don't want a teddy bear. We don't care if it's from Vermont. We don't care if it's dressed in some sort of 1980s aerobic gear complete with headband and leg warmers. We don't care if our name is emblazoned somewhere upon the animal. Yes, we realize that it's cute. But it's a teddy bear. And, well....with a world full of jewelry and gift cards and cash (my God, the cash!), it's difficult to be excited (or thankful) when handed a teddy bear.

The video below is courtesy of those fine folks over at Saturday Night Live. It's one of the funniest things they've ever done and it conveys the "Don't you dare buy me a teddy bear for Valentine's Day" sentiment better than anything else ever could. Enjoy your VD!