Now That's A Traffic Jam

You think your commute is bad? Have you heard about the traffic jam in China? Holy canoli, it's unreal.

Get this: There has been a traffic jam for the past ten days! DAYS! Not hours! DAYS! What the what? How is that possible?! According to The Wall Street Journal, it's pretty basic. Too many cars and not enough roads. Really? Yeah, we had no idea that was going to be the answer. Seriously, Wall Street Journal? That's all you've got?

That's all they've got. Apparently, it's a combination of roadwork and a bunch of heads up a bunch of arses. When you're selling at least 13 million vehicles per year and you only have the roadways to keep up with about a thousand vehicles per year, eventually, you're going to find yourself in this sort of a pickle.

The cars are moving somewhere around the rate of about a third of a mile per day. Umm, no. You can't tell me that people aren't just abandoning their cars and saying, "Screw this! I'm walking!" It would be tough not to. At that rate, you could be in your car and stuck in this crap a mile from your home and it would take you three days to get there?! Are you kidding me? Are we sure this is real?

It apparently is. And if you're wondering, as was I, how one makes it through a ten day (and counting) traffic jam, the kind folks over there at The Wall Street Journal have provided pictures for us to get some sort of an idea of what a hellhole that must be right now. It also allows us to be pretty freaking thankful that we're not there. Behold! A ten day traffic jam!

Oh, well. That seems to explain it. They appear to start off with no lanes at all and then expect folks to move in an orderly fashion into only three lanes. Yeah, that should work about as well as...well, as it's working. And they also seem to keep the cars and trucks separated until a specific point, at which time things don't seem to go as smoothly as one would wish. Behold!

That seems highly ineffective. That and the fact that they've been stuck in traffic for ten days! Yeah, that was my other clue. I suppose you might be wondering how these unfortunate drivers take care of various daily activities when they're stuck in their car on a Beijing road. (Don't get too excited. They explain everything except for the one that you know everyone wonders about first.) As far as eating, "Villagers along Highway 110 took advantage of the jam, selling drivers packets of instant noodles from roadside stands and, when traffic was at a standstill, moving between trucks and cars to hawk their wares." Behold!

Hmm. I suppose the sanitary conditions in which those noodles were prepared isn't exactly foremost on the minds of those folks, eh? But man, those "vendors" get into position quickly. And if this picture is any indication, they're not going to be caught empty handed. Look at this, will you? Behold!

They're certainly an entrepreneurial people, aren't they? Now, just because the drivers are willing to eat food that was prepared under questionable conditions at best, that doesn't mean that they're just going to sit around in their own filth! They're going to have to "bathe" somehow. Behold!

Oh. Well. That's...off-putting. Or...something. I'm just glad he kept his spandex undies on...or whatever those are. Once the bathing is finished, then the fun can really begin! And nothing says passing the time in a ten day traffic jam like eating some watermelon wedges and playing cards on top of a newspaper. Behold!

They don't seem to be too concerned with eating their melons. Why is that? Shouldn't they be more concerned about some sort of nutrition than they are about playing Go Fish? Well, regardless, they're going to get awfully tired after a few days of doing nothing in their cars. Don't expect them to sleep in there, either. Why do that when there's a perfectly good roadway to lie down on and a perfectly good truck to curl up under? Behold!

That guy can get as comfortable as he wants, as rumor has it that the traffic might not clear out until the middle of freaking September! Stay tuned!

Driving? I Wasn't Driving.

Let's take a gander at what's going on down there in Flori-duh for a moment, shall we? Trust me, it won't take long.

Over there at the NWF Daily News, we learn of a one Charles Jesse Johnson who was out for a little drive on Christmas Day. Sounds nice. Nothing wrong with that. But the thing is that when he was at a red light, he decided he was better than the red light and just went right on through.

Now, I'm not necessarily judging that. We've all been there. The light is red. It seems like it's red forever. And we just want to go. There probably isn't another car around for miles. It's probably safe to go. But the difference between when I think that and (probably) when you think that and when Mr. Johnson thinks that is that you and I would look around for a cop. Once we've determined that there isn't one and that we are, in fact, the only car around for miles, we then proceed through the light. Mr. Johnson skipped the first part of those steps and went straight for the going through the light. And that was unfortunate because had he taken the time to complete Step One, he would have noticed that there was, in fact, a cop in the vicinity. That is, if you consider right behind you to be "in the vicinity".

That's right. There was an Okaloosa County Sheriff's Office deputy sitting right behind him. So Mr. Johnson turns left, the deputy follows suit and pulls Mr. Johnson over. This is where things start to get weird.

Mr. Johnson was the only individual in the vehicle. He was the only individual in the vehicle before the traffic stop and he was the only individual in the vehicle after the traffic stop. That is key as to understanding my complete bewilderment as to what Mr. Johnson thought that he was going to accomplish by getting into the back seat after he stopped his car. Wait. He what now?

Correct. According to the police report "He had jumped in there when the vehicle came to a stop." The article also stated that when Mr. Johnson's driving history was checked, it was discovered that his license had been revoked in June, but the he had also had his license revoked four other times and had it suspended seven times as well! He ended up being charged "...with driving with a revoked license as a habitual traffic offender." It's unfortunate that he couldn't have been charged with being a dumbass as well.

Seriously, what was he hoping to accomplish? Did he think that the cop was going to see him in the back seat and think "Huh. That's odd. I wonder how this vehicle was driving itself down the road. Clearly the only guy in the car couldn't have been driving it, as he is obviously in the back seat and we all know that wouldn't be possible." I don't think that could have happened, would have happened or even had the slightest chance of remotely happening ever! When the cop asked him for his license (provided that he didn't just go with the "What in the heck are you doing back there?" first), did he use his oh-so-rational line of thinking and try something along the lines of "What are you asking me for my license for? I'm in the back seat. What makes you think that I was driving?" I can't imagine.

So kids, pay attention here. If the light is red, please wait until it turns green before proceeding through the intersection. If you're going to even think of breaking traffic laws, use those shiny and reflective objects in your vehicle known as mirrors and make sure that law enforcement isn't in the area (or, at the very least, right behind you). And if you do end up getting pulled over, don't be playing musical chairs inside of your car and hopping from the driver's seat into the back seat. You're still going to get a ticket. The only difference will be that you'll get a ticket and you'll look like a freaking idiot.