Intestinal Fortitude

The other day we learned about a woman in Scranton, PA who was arrested with something like 51 packages of heroin, 30-some odd drug baggies, 8-1/2 prescription pills and fifty-two dollars and twenty two cents, all conveniently packaged within the warmth and comfort of her own vagina. Well, if she's looking for a date or something, I think I have found the perfect person to hook her up with.

Meet Neil Lansing. Mr. Lansing resides in Sarasota County, Florida. According to the blog Jonathan Turley (Mr. Turley is a "...nationally recognized legal scholar who has written extensively in areas ranging from constitutional law to legal theory to tort law." I find his blog to be very interesting.), when Mr. Lansing was being booked into jail, a "virtual Cornucopia" turned up during the cavity search. In case you're unfamiliar with a cavity search, let me just say that those doing the searching were not dentists. I'll let you noodle the rest of that through.

Inside of his rectum (for those of you still noodling, you can probably stop now, as I'm sure you can figure out which cavity we are referring to here) they found some contraband. Let me take this opportunity to mention that I am really glad that my career path has taken me in directions so that I will never have to be in the position of discovering items that someone has shoved up their bodily cavities that are supposed to be "Out Only". But I digress. They found the following items:

17 Oxycodone pills

1 cigarette (Really? Up...there? You can't tell me that thing was still in tact after all of the...inserting and...removing. Cigarettes are kind of fragile. They're certainly not meant for deep drilling purposes.)


6 matches (It doesn't specify what kind of matches. I'm hoping that they were waterproof.)

1 flint (A flint?!?! Was he expecting to be participating in some sort of Boy Scout Jamboree? Having a flint up your ass is probably the epitome of the slogan "Be prepared".)

1 empty syringe with eraser over needle (Of course. An eraser. For protection. Safety first! What, pray tell, what he planning on injecting with said syringe? Never mind. I don't want to know.)

1 lip balm container (It doesn't say if there was any lip balm actually in the container. I could see not wanting chapped lips, but considering where the balm would be coming from, I think I'd tough it out.)

1 condom (Again, safety first! I certainly hope that he was planning on removing all of his supplies before he would be taking one for the team. I'm guessing that there's not much room in there for anything else, let alone Bubba's penis.)

1 CVS receipt (For tax purposes. Sure. That makes sense. It's either that or he was planning on returning something. Please, sir. For the love of all that is good and has not been up your rear end, please don't try to return any of that. )

And finally, one...coupon? (What the what? OK, I understand being frugal and thrifty, but in jail? What's he planning to save a dollar on? Is that where he normally keeps his coupons? What's that like when he goes to check out? "Just a minute. I have a coupon for that. Where is it?...Let's see...I know I brought it with me...Oh! That's right! I have inserted it into my rectum!"

Mr. Lansing was subsequently charged with being a dumbass. OK, that wasn't the official charge, but do you have a better name for it?

A Festivus For Anyone

I'm not really a proponent of giving inmates behind bars a bunch of privileges. I'm more in favor of hard labor. Chain gangs, to be precise. I think we could get a lot of stuff done with inmate labor. If nothing else, I'm at least in favor of having them crush up big rocks into little rocks, complete with that big heavy ball chained to one leg. It'd give a nice old-timey feel to incarceration! So, given my outlook on the coddling of inmates, you can imagine that I built up a full head of steam after reading that one inmate managed to get special meals because of his religious beliefs. And before you go off telling me that they're allowed special diets for religious reasons, let me tell you that his "religious belief" was Festivus. Wait. What now?

Correct. According to my local San Jose Mercury News, a one Malcolm Alarmo King (Alarmo? Really? Is he supposed to be some sort of superhero?), currently behind bars at the Theo Lacy Jail down there in Orange County, was not a big fan of salami. (I'm merely guessing that the meals were heavy on the salami, as that's the only basis that the article gives for what transpired next.) He had originally "...asked for kosher meals at the Theo Lacy jail to maintain his healthy physique." Yep. One must be in tip-top shape to prepare for all of the drug dealing that they do when they're not behind bars, don't you know?

But, alas! His kosher meals were not to be, for simply wanting to be healthy, as "...sheriff's officials reserve kosher meals for inmates with a religious need." Now, apparently, this sort of thing has to be OK'ed be a judge. The judge that was apparently involved in this instance was a one Judge Derek G. Johnson and he "...demanded a religious reason for King to receive the meals and defense attorney Fred Thiagarajah cited his client's devotion to Festivus". Oh, for cryin' out loud!

Just in case you were living under a rock during most of the 1990s, allow me to explain Festivus to you. It derives from the TV show "Seinfeld". According to Wikipedia, it was a holiday that Frank Costanza invented "...as an alternative holiday in response to the commercialization of Christmas." Sure. That seems reasonable.

Festivus doesn't have a tree. Instead, there is simply an unadorned aluminum pole (Frank found tinsel to be distracting). According to Frank, the aluminum provides a "Very high strength-to-weight ratio", an important factor to consider when choosing any holiday centerpiece. Some Festivus traditions include "Airing of Grievances," where one lashes out at others and the world about how one has been disappointed in the past year, and the "Feats of Strength" where "...the head of the household selects one person at the Festivus celebration and challenges that person to a wrestling match." My point with all of this being is that it sounds absolutely ridiculous. It also sounds just like something that would have been made up by someone.

Unfortunately, the judge didn't seem to see it that way. Nope. He saw celebrating Festivus as a perfectly legitimate claim and granted the inmates request. This went on for two months before "...the sheriff's food services staff, who interviews those needing special diets, realized Festivus sounded phony." Good Lord. It took the food services staff to figure this farce out?! I'm not trying to belittle anyone with this next question, but what is their highest level of achieved education as compared to that of the freaking judge who gave this thing the green light?!

What was that judge thinking? Even if he hadn't heard of the Seinfeld episode, wouldn't you think that if he heard "Festivus" that he might ask something to the effect of "What the hell are you talking about?" Apparently not. And that's why an inmate got kosher meals for two months that the taxpayers footed the bill for. Now...where do I air my grievances?

Non-Torturous Jailhouse Movies

If you're in jail, it's not supposed to be fun. It's not supposed to be enjoyable. You're not supposed to be having a good time. So if you're not thrilled with the television programming that your particular place of incarceration is providing you with, please do not write letters to your local news source and complain. James Poulin, I'm talking to you.

According to something called TCPalm, Mr. Poulin, who has spent the last "...four years awaiting trial for driving-under-the-influence manslaughter", wrote to something called Florida Today complaining of "torture". Now, normally, claims of torture would be taken quite seriously. But when you realize that Mr. Poulin's definition of "torture" is that at the Brevard County Detention Center, where he is currently a resident, the "...inmates are forced to watch the same movies over and over and it is taking a toll." Wait a minute. Movies? What the...?

Correct. According to Mr. Poulin, the Sheriff of Brevard County, a one Jack Parker "...gathered up a bunch of old (movies) he had laying around and played them over and over for the next year," Poulin wrote to Florida Today. "I have seen 'Black Hawk Down,' 'Pearl Harbor,' 'Saving Private Ryan' and 'Battle Front' hundreds of times each, sometimes two or three times a day. . . " Um...OK. Hmm. Anything else?

Of course there's something else! He's an inmate who is bitching about what is on TV! You think it's going to stop there without some sort of ridiculous comparison to something that doesn't even make sense? Of course not! He includes "Like the old Chinese water torture, the inescapable sounds of these movies over and over works on nerves and psyche." Hey, could someone actually perform the old Chinese water torture on this guy and see how he likes his movies then? Or better yet, just waterboard the moron. I'm sure that he'll want to watch nothing but 'Saving Private Ryan' all day, every day in lieu of being waterboarded.

In case you were wondering, Mr. Poulin has been in jail since 2007 "...for allegedly driving and crashing his car while intoxicated, an accident that killed his female passenger." What's the hold up? Well, from what I can tell, he is the hold up. "There have been 14 motions for continuances in his case and six federal lawsuits against the jail, all of which have been dismissed." OK. I've got it now. As if it wasn't clear before, now I'm relatively sure that this guy, aside from being a cretin, is just a pain in the ass. And the same sentiments go for his lawyer, a one Assistant Public Defender Randy Moore. Mr. Moore said that "...the continuances are a strategy." I see. I'm guessing that Mr. Moore and Mr. Poulin get along just swell together. What a scumbag.

You know, having to watch the movies that he's "subjected" to over and over doesn't seem that bad. It's not like they were being subjected to anything with Jennifer Aniston in it or something like that

I Forgot They Were There, Officer

You know it's a bad day when you're booked into jail. And sure, we can all think of ways that the day that one is booked into jail can get worse. For instance, you could end up being paired with an extremely randy cellmate. Hmm. Really, that's probably about as bad as it could get for most people. But if you're a one Elizabeth Athenia Progris, who was booked into the Martin County jail somewhere in Florida (of course), it got worse in a rather unique fashion when, according to the TC Palm, "...a bag of generic Xanax tumbled "from her genital area." Oh, my.

Apparently, the 22-year-old was booked in and showered on August 13. Her occupation was apparently listed as being "dancer/housewife". How very versatile of her. Anyway, before she was all booked in, the detectives at the jail asked her if she had anything illegal on her person or in her possession. She, naturally, said that she did not. The detectives informed her that if she did, she could be charged. No problem. She still said that she didn't have anything.

I'm kind of wondering if she would have been charged if she had confessed to having anything illegal on her at this point. I guess if she would have been charged anyway, she might as well try to see if she can get it into the jail. And she absolutely did. When she was "...drying off when a deputy noticed a clear bag drop "from her genital area to the floor by her feet." Whoops! Where did that come from?!

Yep. You guessed it and I'm not going to repeat it. Because this chick couldn't do without her generic Xanax, she now "...faces felony charges of possession of a controlled substance and introduction of contraband". Really? Hoo-ha Xanax is a felony? I knew that it was untoward, but felonious?

But the best part of this article is where is tells us: "The affidavit didn't specify whether Progris simply forgot the pills were in her genital area, or how they got there." Wait. Are you serious?! It didn't specify if she forgot they were there?! Do you think that just might be because NO ONE could forget if they had a baggie full of narcotics shoved into the insides of their nether regions?! I'm guessing that's why it wasn't specified. Does the affidavit need to specify how they got there? Can't we all just put two and two together and get a uterine cavity full of contraband? Good Lord, people.

Oh, and by the way? Yep, this chick looks just like you would think that she does. Behold!

Told you so.

That's Just A Sketch

I will admit that I feel a little cheated with this whole Lindsay Lohan going to jail dealio. I was expecting (and hoping) that the whole thing would be a spectacle. And I love a good spectacle! But this was far from. There was no Paris Hilton-esque crying. There were no throngs of helicopters. Sure, there were the dingbats outside of the courthouse, but they paled in comparison to, say, the people outside of the courthouse when Michael Jackson was on trial. Amateurs is all that I saw.

Today, I thought that I was finally going to get a glimpse of all that I had longed for when I saw a link over at People.com that said "See Lindsay Lohan Getting Handcuffed". Now, I got pretty excited because from what I had read, the judge had ordered no pictures or video be taken when she was getting cuffed. I figured that this had to be some sort of rogue photo that someone managed to sneak and then promptly sold to People for a gazillion dollars. I couldn't click fast enough. I was, as you can imagine, sorely disappointed. Not to mention, I was a little irritated as well. This is what they showed me. Behold!

Oh, what the hell is that? That isn't a picture of Lindsay Lohan getting handcuffed! No, THAT is a sketch. I could have drawn a sketch! ANYONE could have drawn a sketch. And, well, someone DID. But that's not the point. It's not the same! Way to go, People. That's pretty weak if you're asking me. And I'm not even sure that it's all that accurate. Her lips appear to be normal sized in that sketch. And clearly, from the footage that was shot in the courtroom before she was cuffed, her lips are far from normal size. Behold!

Those are not the normal lips of a normal human being. She looks sort of like a duck. It's like her lips are too big to close on their own and so she ends up seeming like some sort of collagen-filled mouth breather. Whose idea was it that big, fat lips are attractive? I do not see the allure in any of it. None. Although I will say that her mugshot is one of the better photographs that she has taken in a while. Behold!

It's just unfortunate (or maybe not so much depending on how you're looking at this) that she had to go to jail to have a semi-flattering picture taken of her. Whatever. It's only been a little over 24 hours. Word is that she'll be doing between 14 and 23 days of her 90 day sentence. There's still plenty of time for spectacle and drama. And if it happens, I'll be enjoying every moment of it.

LiLo Is All A-Twitter

As much as I loathe Twitter and think that it is absolutely ridiculous, it is times like this which I am grateful for its existence. And by "times like this" I mean "the day after Lindsay Lohan found out that she's going to be going to jail and has taken to Twitter to express her outrage".

Here's the scoop: Yesterday, Lindsay Lohan was reminded that she is just like everyone else when it comes to the legal system when she was sentenced to 90 days in jail for failing to comply with the terms of her probation that were set back in 2007. She cried. She freaked out. She whined. And that was before she knew she was going to jail! After she found out about all of the jailing that was going to take place, that's when the real drama started. That's also when she did what any other self-absorbed, semi-celebrity would do in just such a situation. That's right. She took to Twittering.

Mind you, this is like 6 tweets all strung together since you can only tweet 140 characters at a time. But it is what it is. And what it is, is absolutely hysterical. Here we go:

"It is clearly stated in Article 5 of the U.N. Universal Declaration of Human Rights that....No one shall be subjected to torture or to cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment. this was taken from an article by Erik Luna..November 1 marked the 15th anniversary of the U.S. Sentencing Guidelines. But there were no celebrations, parades, or other festivities in honor of this punishment scheme created by Congress and the U.S. Sentencing Commission....Instead, the day passed like most others during the last 15 years:Scores of federal defendants sentenced under a constitutionally perverted system that saps moral judgment through its mechanical rules."

It's hard to know which part of that whole screed she sees as being relevant to her own situation. Perhaps she feels that she is being subjected to "torture or to cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment". Perhaps she feels that the system has sapped its "moral judgment through its mechanical rules" and that's why she is going to jail. Someone should probably tell her that her issues are not part of the Federal court system and that there are NO sentencing guidelines in her situation. I mean, it's an interesting point of view and all of that, but it has absolutely nothing to do with the mess that she got herself into. Nope. Nothing.

But wait! There's more! Her latest tweet read simply: "http://tinyurl.com/29kxdyf -- please RT". If you're unfamiliar with Tweet-Speak, RT means re-tweet. That's Twitter's way of saying "Psst! Pass it on!" If you click on her link, it takes you to a Newsweek article about an Iranian woman who is a mother of two and who is likely to be stoned to death as her punishment for committing adultery. (Nice system you have over there, Iran. Nice system, indeed.) Wait. What?

Is she comparing her plight to that of the condemned Iranian woman? I...I...I think she is! Hey, does someone want to tell her that it's not the same?! A spoiled, over-partied actress who can't figure out how to complete 13 alcohol awareness classes in 3 years is NOT the same as an Iranian woman who is about to be stoned to death for adultery that she may or may not have committed! No wonder she can't figure out how the whole court system and probation apply to her. My God, is she delusional or what? Holy crap. Well, whatever it is, it's definitely entertaining. And I'm sure that there's only more to come. Stay tuned!

Lindsay Lohan's Reality Check

Oh, what a glorious day yesterday was. For myself and for anyone who loves to indulge in the world that is pop culture. Yesterday was awesome. That's right. Because Lindsay Lohan is going to jail! And this is only going to get better.

For those of you unfortunate enough to have not been able to avoid the Lindsay Lohan saga, here's the scoop: Lindsay likes to party. She also likes to party and drive. In 2007, she partied and drove her way into getting arrested. I think that she ran over a couple of inconveniently placed hedges and fire hydrants if I recall correctly. Here's her mugshot. Lookin' good, Lindsay! Behold!

Stay classy! Yeah, she looks a little wasted there. Let's face it, the chick has problems. Her two biggest problems being: a) thinking that she's better than/different than everyone else, and b) living in a constant state of denial (which also encompasses Item A up there). See, she had been on probation and was supposed to complete something like 13 alcohol awareness classes (an ironic requirement, as she seems to be perfectly aware of what alcohol is) whilst she was on probation. She was also supposed to show up for some court hearings so that her progress could be reported on to the court. This was in 2007. It's been three years. She can't complete 13 classes in three years? Yeah, I think the judge felt that way, too.

At least she showed up for court dressed a little more conservatively than she did at her last court hearing in May (when she claimed that her dog ate her passport (or something like that) and it prevented her from showing up for that hearing on time, but did not prevent her from partying away the days in Cannes). It still didn't change the outcome, but it was nice to not see her hooters falling out all over the place. Maybe if she had nicer hooters it wouldn't be an issue.

She also gave a little sob story speech to the judge that, obviously, did little to sway her. Actually, maybe it did sway the judge...into giving her more time in jail. (The prosecution had only asked for a month and the judge gave her 90 days. That's a pissed off judge right there.) She said, among other things, "I did the best I could...I did everything I was told to do and did the best I could to balance jobs and showing up...It wasn't vacation, it wasn't some sort of a joke...I thought I was being compliant...I'm not taking this as a joke, it's my life and career. I don't want you to think I don't respect you and your terms." Ironic, considering that her life and her career are somewhat of a joke these days.

And seriously? How could she have thought she was being compliant when she was missing her alcohol classes? That's not compliant! And what jobs could she possibly have been balancing? From what I can tell, there aren't a lot of folks out there that are willing to work with her. Oh, and at the last hearing? That one film that she said that she had to be in Texas to shoot? Yeah, that didn't exist. Whoops!

The judge, my new hero, a one very Honorable Marsha Revel, said, among other things, that there were "...a number of instances that would show her (Lindsay) not taking things seriously" and "I couldn't have been more clear (about my orders)...There are no excuses." Nope. There aren't. She also pointed out "...she found Lohan's apology insincere, comparing it to "somebody who cheats and thinks it isn't cheating if she doesn't get caught." That seems accurate. Man, I love that judge!

But in an instance of behavior which I can only hope that there is more of, Lohan's mother, the despicable Dina Lohan (who kind of looks like she was separated at birth from Kate Gosselin), spoke with PopEater and said, "This is so not fair to do this to my child." (Translation: Oh, my God! My gravy train!)

Lindsay doesn't have to report to jail until the 20th. I think I speak for everyone when I say that will be a red letter day for all of us. There should be some great motherly quotes when the 20th finally rolls around. It'll be awesome. In the meantime, if you need some awesomeness, the gossipy folks over there at TMZ have video of her providing the judge with her lame excuses. It's quite the performance. Not award winning and certainly not get-out-of-going-to-jail worthy, but it's amusing.

A Not So Conjugal Visit to Jail

So, Sunday was Valentine's Day. I'm not a big Valentine's Day fan. And I've never been able to really articulate why that is until now. Even now I wouldn't have been able to articulate it if it hadn't been for my fabulous friend and her incredible way with words. Her explanation (which I copied from her Facebook with neither permission, nor malice) was such:

I don't like Vday because it's a holiday that makes too many people (mostly women) sad. If I were rich I would make sure every single woman got flowers from a secret person on this silly day. These huge professions of love with candy and flowers and everything is nice, but there are so many sad lonely people. All this does is make them feel like sh*t! Luckily I have never felt unloved, and my house is filled with flowers. But what about all those other sad people? I don't like holidays that exclude the very people we should be watching out for. See? It's brilliant. And I have the feeling that Denise Rutledge is one of those people we should be watching out for.

Ms. Rutledge was apparently having a difficult time on Valentine's Day. It would seem that the one that she is enamored with (or thought that she was enamored with) was incarcerated during the day of love. At first, Ms. Rutledge did the first thing that would pop into most people's head in that situation. She allegedly began to drink heavily. (Actually, if I were in that situation, I think drinking heavily might be the first thing I'd do, but it would be my second choice as I'd spend a fair amount of time contemplating jumping off a cliff if I was in her position.)

Now, if there's anything that is a highly effective aphrodisiac, it is alcohol and lots of it. There's a reason why all the girls get prettier around closing time. (The animals too!) And that reason is the alcohol. So, being that it was Valentine's Day and all, an apparently lonely Ms. Rutledge decided to make her way down to the Flagler County Jail and request herself a conjugal visit with an inmate. The story provided by the fine folks over there at News 13 does not specify if Ms. Rutledge had any particular inmate in mind when she made this request, only that she was there for a conjugal visit.

Unfortunately, Ms. Rutledge was turned away. No, it wasn't because of her alleged intoxication or because maybe visiting hours were over or anything like that. It was because the Flagler County Jail turns away everyone who requests a conjugal visit because they don't have conjugal visits at the Flagler County Jail. At all! (By the way, it really shouldn't surprise you by now that Flagler County is in what state? Floriduh, that is correct.)

The article states that "Because of the way the 45-year-old was acting, a deputy went out to her car to give her a field sobriety test." Because of the way that she was acting? What way was that? Asking for a conjugal visit when they don't have conjugal visits? Is that the "way" that they're referring to? I don't know why they'd follow her out to her car for something like that. You'd think that they'd just test her right there. Due to the previously alluded to alleged overconsumption of intoxicating beverages, Ms. Rutledge failed the sobriety test (shocking, I know!) and ended up blowing a .256, which is over three times the legal limit. She was then charged with a DUI and eventually released on a $500 bond. Genius. Those Floridians are sheer geniuses. But going back to what I quoted my friend as saying, shouldn't we be looking out for people like Denise Rutledge so that more attempted drunken conjugal visits don't occur? I think we should.