Bully For You!

There's a video that's been making the rounds on the Innerwebs recently and I find it completely awesome. Essentially what we have is your typical school bullying situation, only this time, it's a little weasely kid picking on a much bigger kid. And the much bigger kid takes it...for a while. And when he's done taking it, he is done taking it. The picked on kid wrestles around with the little jackass for about all of four seconds before he gets a good enough grip on him to pick him up and body slam him into the ground. It's beautiful. I've watched it several times and it just doesn't get old. I think that my favorite part is watching the kid try and figure out how to stand up and walk again as he stumbles around in circles wondering what in the hell just hit him. And even better is how the picked-on kid just stands there for a minute and makes sure that he's done. He really could have let him have it some more. The little a-hole is lucky that he didn't get the real pounding that he had coming to him. But it's still a great thing to watch. Bullying isn't cool. I'm all for this approach to getting kids to stop. If the video below doesn't load or whatever, click here and watch it on YouTube.

Merry Guitar Hero Christmas To All!

Side note: I've been swamped all day. Baking crap holiday goods to give to people for Christmas takes a lot more time than just ambling about in the mall. It is more delicious than stuff you can get at the mall (with the exception of, perhaps, Cinnabon), but it's definitely time consuming. Therefore, I'm revisiting an awesome post from last year. It still find it awesome because I still love Guitar Hero. And I'm only a day away from new games to play.

Fine. I'll admit it. I love Guitar Hero. It's the funnest damn video game I think I've ever played. Better than the entire Tony Hawk series (which was the reason that I ever got a PS2 in the first place). Probably better than any of the games that I played in the arcades as a young hooligan. Definitely better than Pong. I love it. Granted, I am constantly mocked by my non-playing friends (Translation: all of them), but they still love me, so I'm good with the mocking.

That being said, if I knew where the folks responsible for the video below lived, I would move in across the street from them. That's right. I would leave the self-imposed isolation (to protect me from the morons of society) of my walled-off compound and be someone's neighbor for the holiday season. That's how cool I think this is. I realize that the majority of you won't think that it is as cool as I do. That sounds like a personal problem. Perhaps witnessing how video games and the Christmas season can come together as one and spread tidings of joy throughout the land will change your mind over the coolness.

I give to you (courtesy of those guys who posted it on YouTube) a Christmas Light Hero. Behold!

Now THAT'S A Response

What you are about to read is one of the most awesome letters I have ever come across. And really, I wouldn't have come across this at all if it hadn't been for something called The Last Angry Fan. It appears to be sports related and, if I'm judging on this item alone, completely awesome. It seems that back in 1974 (why it took this long for something this great to be known to the public is beyond me) there was a disgruntled Cleveland Browns fan who was also a uptight asswad. He seems very concerned about spectator safety due to the reckless abandon with which other rowdy fans are endangering innocent bystanders. By throwing paper airplanes. Read on. I swear. (If it's not big enough, just double click the image and that should enlarge it. If it doesn't click on the link above and read it there.)

Seriously, how are you supposed to reply to something like that? I can't even imagine why that guy even had season tickets. He clearly doesn't quite understand what comes along with going to live sporting events. (He's obviously not an Oakland Raiders fan. I'm pretty sure that team has a prerequisite that you be a convicted felon and are capable of hurling a D battery onto the field from the back of the upper deck.) And just how much attention do you want to pay to a nimrod like that guy? He's obviously an attorney, so I guess it could get ugly, unless....it was responded to in such a manner that only a genius could conceive of it. (Side note: Scott and Mark, this guy is clearly from your tribe. You will be proud, as he is one of your own.) Behold, the response!

I don't know where Mr. James E. Bailey, General Counsel, is to this day, but I hope he is alive and well, living a life of prosperity and has had a statue made in honor that is prominently on display in a town square somewhere. Well done, sir. Well done, indeed.

They Didn't Ask For Signs

I think I love Arizona Governor Jan Brewer. Seriously. This video rules. Way to call out the Federal Government! Nice.

Awesome Brawling Lawmakers

You know what would make the Senate more interesting on a day to day basis? The potential for knock down, drag out fights to break out between the lawmakers. Why, oh, why can't our lawmakers do that? They don't seem to be doing much else. The least that they could do is be entertaining. My God, they're boring. But not in Taiwan! Nope, in Taiwan, they all seem to damn near want to kill each other. One guy pelted the other guy in the face with a clock! The video is below. It's awesome. Imagine if that had been Nancy Pelosi. That alone might have restored my faith in humanity. (OK...not all of my faith, but a little bit! It's better than nothing, which is what I have right now!)

Where For Art Thou, Kobayashi?

If you do nothing else on the Fourth of July, Independence Day, make sure that you at least tune into ESPN around noon EST for the 95th (Yes! 95th!) annual Nathan's Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog-Eating Contest at Coney Island. I swear. But I don't recommend it for most reasons that you'd probably think of.

Watching a bunch of grown men and a few grown women shove dog after dog after dog down their gullet in an attempt to be proclaimed the champion and take possession of the coveted award, the Mustard Yellow Belt. Oh, it's quite a sight. The belt. The eating. The whole deal. Behold!
As a seasoned veteran spectator of this spectacle, I'll give you a crash course primer on the things to pay the most attention to. (Trust me. It's such a disgusting mess at times, you really don't know where to look and your only instinct is to look AWAY! But if you do that, you'll miss some real good eatin'!) Usually, there are really only two names that you need to know. One of those names is Takeru Kobayashi from Japan. Kobayashi came onto the scene in 2001 when the record from the year before was 25 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Kobayashi (pardon the pun) devoured that record by downing FIFTY dogs AND buns in 12 minutes. Why, yes, that's about one dog every 14.4 seconds, that is correct! He uses a technique I've dubbed the "Snap n'Cram" where he snaps the hot dog in half and as that's being crammed into his mouth, he's dunking the bun in water and then sucking that up. It could also be called the "Watch and Vomit", as that's how I feel every year when I view this eating spectacle.

But there might be a problem with Kobayashi competing this year...as in, he might not compete. It seems that the governing body that sanctions these eating competitions, the International Federation of Competitive Eating (of course) has some sort of a contract that these guys have to sign in order to compete. Kobayashi doesn't want to sign the contract because he feels that it will "limit" his choices in eating competitions. The IFOCE claims that they always have to sign the contract and he's never had a problem with it before. They also liken his not signing to a quarterback wanting to play in the Super Bowl, but not join the NFL. That's a pretty good analogy. I don't know if it's accurate, but it's still pretty darn good. Now, they had the weigh-in yesterday and Kobayashi wasn't there. (I have no idea why they're weighing these folks. It's not like they're separated into weigh categories. They have one category. The Gluttonous. That's it. No need for weighing. But if it makes them feel better, then have at it, I guess.) But I'm still holding out hope that he will be there. You should hold out hope, too. It can't hurt.

So if he's there, he's the first guy you're going to want to pay attention to. (With any luck, there will be a shot of him lifting up his shirt at some point. You wouldn't know it to look at the guy, as he looks a bit scrawny, but he is incredibly muscular. Six pack abs and all! He puts The Situation to shame. Behold!)

Then there's reigning champion Joey Chestnut who hails from practically right down the road from my walled compound here in San Jose, CA (otherwise known as "The Valley"). If Kobayashi's technique is the "Snap n'Cram" Joey's technique is "The Cram n'Jump". And it's executed just like it sounds. He crams the hot dog and bun into his mouth and then kind of jumps up and down a little bit. It's sort of like how you shake a bottle of ketchup when the ketchup is all stuck in the neck, only it's in reverse and it's with a hell of a lot of hot dogs. Joey first beat Kobayashi in 2007 by eating an absolutely sickening 66 hot dogs and buns in 12 minutes. If you think that's amazing, in 2008, after someone discovered some handwritten notes dating back to 1918 that had to contest as being for only 10 minutes, the International Federation OF Competitive Eating (I swear) wanted to be true to the roots of the contest and shortened the time by two minutes. So what happened? Joey and Kobayashi tied at 59 hot dogs and buns each and they had to go to a five dog eat off. Whoever could eat the five dogs the fastest wins.

While 5 hot dogs might not sound like much, you have to keep in mind that at this point, these guys just ATE 59 hot dogs. And they've stopped eating for at least five minutes before the dog-off starts. By then, I'm thinking that the chances for a, um, a reversal of fortune, shall we say, are more and more likely. I can't imagine you'd even want to look at another hot dog again for the rest of your life, let alone try and shove five more in your food hole. By the way, an eight pack of Nathan's dogs weighs 1 pound. Thus, not figuring in the weight of the buns, 64 hot dogs would weigh eight pounds! Add the buns and the water and you're easily cramming close to ten extra pounds INTO your body in ten minutes. That's a pound a minute for you folks out there too busy trying not to vomit to do the math. Gross.

So those are your two main players. But wait. There's more! You can't have an event such as this without someone calling the shots. You need an announcer. No, you need a color commentary guy. No, you need a guy with a love for literature. No, you need a wordsmith of the ages. A man who can take individual words and phrases and put them all in a proverbial hat, mix them up, pull them out and match 'em up as if they were Garanimals to construct and form the most utterly amazing sentences in the English language that you will ever hear in your entire life. You need George Shea.

George Shea is a national treasure. The man is brilliant. George Shea is the co-founder, along with his brother Richard, of the IFOCE and they both make the rounds on the competitive eating circuit announcing various events each year. And while I can't vouch for Richard's talents (and I have no reason to doubt that they're any less than formidable), I can vouch for George's skills and they are phenomenal. It's a combination between his love for language and love for watching and orchestrating competitive eating. The words that come out of his mouth are PURE poetry! A few examples from our national treasure, George Shea:

• They say that competitive eating is the battleground upon which God and Lucifer wage war for men's souls. (Um, WHO says that? WHEN do they say that?)
  
  
• For this is a battle of the ages. It's a battle of the titans. That man this is half God and half man and comes to earth only once!
  
  
• We arrive at this moment by the unswerving punctuality of chance! (I don't even know what in the hell that means, but I DO know that it's hilarious!)

• He is eating in an arena of pure emotion! This is about the triumph of the human spirit. It is nothing short of the triumph of the human spirit. As I said.
  
  
• It's like that song by David Bowie. Major Tom. You're enjoying it and then you realize how sad it is. Major Tom's not coming back. He's up in that tin can. He tells his wife he loves her very much! She knoooows. But it's very sad. Major Tom's not coming back. But the belt may be coming back to Brooklyn!
  

Finally. A wordsmith our country can be proud of! So, Sunday. 12 noon EST. ESPN. A bunch of guys and a couple of chicks eating hot dogs really fast with a guy doing beautiful and nutty commentary. It's sure to make you proud to be an American! But if you're still not convinced, there's an added bonus this year! Yes, an added incentive for you to tune in and feel your body awash from head to toe in American pride. According to the folks over there at CNN "As a lead-in to the main event, Major League Eating will hold a "cross-species" eating contest between three competitive eaters and three Asian elephants. Shea described it as the realization of one of his two lifelong dreams, the other being a scenario in which a dozen competitive eaters eat the entire contents of a convenience store."

God bless America! Land of the free! Home of the brave! And the place for eating competitions pitting humans against pachyderms! Two outta three ain't bad!

They're Not Immigrants; They're Illegals!

A whole bunch of people have their shorts in a wad over a new law that was just recently passed and signed into law in Arizona. See, the law makes it illegal to be in this country illegally. And that makes some people (I'm guessing the softheaded ones AND the ones who ARE here illegally) angry. Wait. What now?

Correct. According to CBS, "...country civil rights advocates are protesting the immigration law with rallies and boycotts" because "They fear the new law will lead to harassment and racial profiling." Uhh, really? Have they read the law and what it entails? Or are they whining? I'm guessing whining. Let's take a look.

The law makes it "...a state crime to be in the U.S. illegally." Now, the fact that a law like this is even necessary is what should be drawing protesters. But, no. No, instead people are protesting. Go figure. The law also says that "Police will also now be able to ask anyone to prove their legal status by demanding to see a valid I.D. Violators could be arrested and sent to jail for up to 6 months." Oh, no! Are they kidding?! People will be made to produce a valid ID?? To prove that they are legally allowed to be in this country? Who came up with such madness?!

One of those who is against this is a one Julie Gonzales who with with something called Reform Immigration for America. (How ironic. This law seems to aim to do just that. Yet she's against it. Shocking.) She said, "Immigrant communities and Chicano communities across the state of Arizona are in a state of terror." Hmm. I don't think that they are. I really don't. Now, I would be more inclined to believe her if she had said that illegal immigrant communities were afraid. Sure, because THAT would make SENSE. But the thought that those who have immigrated here legally would be afraid? That's kooky talk, right there.

Ms. Gonzales claims that "Along with planning a May 1 rally they are preparing for Arizona families to flee and seek refuge in Colorado." Really? They think that folks that are in Arizona illegally are going to flee to Colorado? Huh. Good news for the legal residents of Arizona. And even better news for the legal residents of California, as we have our own illegal immigration issues here. We don't need any refugees from...Arizona? (I can't believe I just wrote that.)

Ms. Gonzales also said that, "We know that at least one family has come to Colorado, brought their families, dropped everything and left because there is such a state of panic." OK, that sentence doesn't even really make sense to me. But I find it highly amusing that because she knows of ONE family that bailed, that means that EVERYONE is going to be doing it. Sure. That's going to happen. Way to go, Arizona. I wish California had your guts.

Now, I realize that protesting this sort of law sounds ridiculous. That's because it IS ridiculous. But I didn't realize that not only were the softheads (and illegals) going to be out there saying how unfair it it, that one of the people who would be joining them, in essence, would be President Barry. What the what?! That's right. According to another one of the alphabet networks, ABC is reporting that President Barry said that he "...instructed members of my administration to closely monitor the situation and examine the civil rights and other implications of this legislation." Really? Has he not been briefed on what illegal immigration is and why it's a bad thing? Did he miss that part? I mean, he's really busy and all. I get that. But I was unaware that the civil rights that are afforded to citizens were now being afforded to people who are not only not citizens, but who are breaking the law as well. When did that start happening?

Perhaps President Barry should come out and live in some of these communities for a little while so that he can get a better idea of exactly how illegal immigration affects the lifestyles of those who are legal residents. California has almost three million illegal residents. With a statewide population of about 33,000,000, that's ten percent. Are you freaking kidding me?! Ten percent?! Do you know how much money is spent on this ten percent? A ridiculous amount. Oh, but that's OK because California has plenty of money just oozing all over the place, right? Uh, not exactly. The state is damn near broke. Yeah, that's right. It's a problem.

We are the only country in the world that deals with people who do not have a legal right to be in this country the way that we do. You might recall that those two American journalists who were allegedly on the wrong side of the border in North Korea were arrested, put on "trial" and ultimately sentenced to twelve years in a North Korean prison before ol' Willie Jeff Clinton went over and secured their release. They weren't living in North Korea. At the most, they were walking in North Korea. And they were looking at twelve years in jail! This country has people LIVING here without permission and we're supposed to be cool with that? I'm sorry, but I'm not. This law doesn't go too far. This law doesn't go far enough.

Deal With It

Finally! A corporate response to an "incident" that I can finally get behind! I can only hope that more will follow. After all, it IS rather illogical to think that someone would have intentionally meant for a recipe to include "ground black people", right? Right. Wait. What?

Correct. According to the huffy folks over there at The Huffington Post, Penguin Group Australia published a cookbook called Pasta Bible. That's right. A bible for pasta. Anyway, there was a recipe in it for that dish that we've all had a hankerin' to cook at one point or another (or perhaps, not), something called spelt tagliatelle with sardines and prosciutto. Tagliatelle is just a fancy-shmancy name for long, flat pasta. (Oh, how I long for the days when "noodles" would have been just fine.) Anyway, the recipe was was supposed to call for salt and freshly ground black pepper. Yeah. It read "salt and freshly ground black people". Oh. Awkward.

Now, if this had been Carl's Jr. or Burger King or any other corporate entity here in the US, they would have done what they always do and would have immediately caved to any sort of "complaints" about the issue. They would have removed every single book from the shelf and issued a ridiculously long apology that would have encompassed everything from the misprint to slavery itself. Then I would have had to see people on fallen-so-far-from-grace-CNN talking about how traumatized that they were and I would have had to listen to them demand an explanation. An explanation other than "Ooops", of course.

But not Penguin Group Australia. Their head of publishing, a one Bob Sessions, "...acknowledged the proofreader for the Pasta Bible should have picked up the error, but called it nothing more than a "silly mistake." I think I love Bob.

But here's the best part! He said, "We're mortified that this has become an issue of any kind and why anyone would be offended, we don't know." Yeah, I DO love Bob. He continued with, "We've said to bookstores that if anyone is small-minded enough to complain about this ... silly mistake, we will happily replace (the book) for them." Marry me.

Finally. Finally someone has some sense about these things. Finally someone just came out and said that they can't imagine why someone would be offended over something that was clearly not intended to offend. I love that he labeled them "small minded", though I would have been ecstatic if he had called them morons or softheads. I'm good with small minded, though.

But what about the books that are already on the shelves? Surely, they must be recalling those as quickly as possible, right? Not so fast. According to the article, "The reprint will cost Penguin 20,000 Australian dollars ($18,500), but books already in stores will not be recalled because doing so would be "extremely hard." Awesome. So, basically, deal with it.

This is what I want more of. I want to hear more often that folks shouldn't be getting upset or "offended" over something that is clearly a mistake. And since people are so damned whiny these days, I'd really like it if more corporations would take this approach. Just deal with it. You'll be fine.