Internet Safety Circa Mid-1990s

Let's take a walk back in time to an era when the Internet was just beginning. And let's watch a video that gives us some tips about online safety for kids. Because sometimes things will come up on your screen that you haven't seen before. Hell, there will be some things on your screen that most adults haven't seen before. (Granted, now that the Internet has been around for a while, there isn't much that anyone hasn't seen before. I find it unfortunate that you can't unsee things. I have some pretty disturbing images blazed into my brain.) And this video aims to warn you of them. It also gives you a lovely image as to what an online perv might look like. (Hint: If you imagined him with a child molester moustache and a sleeveless T-shirt, step forward to claim your prize.) And look, I'm not trying to say that the messages in this video aren't valid. They are. And the bottom line is that people lie on the Internet (Great Scott!) and there's a lot of porn out there. I just find this little snippet of nostalgia a rather amusing way of trying to keep everyone safe. (And just in case you were wondering, no, I don't know why they're chatting with what appears to be Microsoft Word.)

The Internet Lies

I really don't understand a lot of stuff. That's kind of why I'm here. To figure stuff out. But I am convinced that there are some things that I will just never understand. Crimes where the victim needs to play an extremely crucial role in the wrongdoings are some of the things that I don't understand. And I'm not talking about scams where people are bilked out of their life savings. While I don't profess to say that I totally understand how those can happen (and I tend to subscribe to the "A fool and his money are soon parted" explanation for most of them), they sometimes (rarely) have a (microscopic) shred of plausibility to them. (I don't really think that. I'm just trying to be nice. Really, I don't get how they ever happen, but that's probably just me.) But when the crime involves having to coerce the mother to engage in sexual acts with her child, it really boggles the mind. Wait. When they...what now?

Yeah, I'm still trying to noodle this one through. According to an AP story which appeared over yonder at the Huffington Post, the individual that we're describing here is a one Steven DeMink. The article starts off confusing me, as it reads "Online...he presented himself as Dalton St. Clair, an attractive single father and psychologist". Now, I don't know if he included a picture of himself online, but this is the perv we're talking about. Behold!

Yeah, not so much in the attractive category if you're asking me. It also doesn't seem like he would have much going on in the smarts category either, but his little ruse seemed to work. I'm going to tell you what he did and then you tell me if these mothers, who were unthinkably somehow unknowingly complicit in his little scheme, should really be parenting at all, OK? My answer is a massive NO. Maybe they could be good parents one day, but clearly right now is not that day. Perhaps give them something to practice taking care of first before moving up to actual humans. I'm thinking of a perhaps a houseplant. Not much can go wrong there...unless you're the plant.

This guy would go into chat rooms on the Internet and somehow convince "...single mothers...to sexually assault their children as a form of therapy." And he did this for (wait for it) more than a year! That he was able to do it even once is astonishing to me. What kind of mother would go along with this sort of advice? Well, in some cases, this perv "...promised the women a date if they followed through with his directions." A date? In exchange for sexually assaulting your own child? THAT was a relevant factor for some of these idiots? Are you dry shaving me?! How is that possible? Who ARE these people?! I guess they're people like this woman: Apparently, "In one case, Demink started online chats with an Oregon woman about the sexual development of her 8-year-old autistic son...He told her to engage in sexually explicit conduct with her son as a way to teach him about sex...and she did so while Demink watched on a web camera." Excuse me for a moment while I find a wall to bang my head against.

They were on the freaking Internet! Don't they know that the Internet lies?! He said he was a psychologist, so that was good enough for them?! Have they also recently lost a lot of money to a Nigerian prince? Are these women being allowed to continue caring for their children? I don't think that it's an overreaction to ask that question, nor do I think it's an overreaction for someone else to be in charge of these particular children. What kind of person are you who has some guy on the Internet tell you to engage in some form of sex with your autistic son and you think it's a good idea and you do it?! WITH a webcam running?!

Well, the answer to that is right there in the police report. See, "Demink intimated to these women that the result of the therapy would be healthier children." Oh. OK, then. I didn't know that he told them that it would help their children. That makes all of the difference. Totally understandable now. Of course. I should have known that there was a reasonable explanation for all of this insane lunacy. Sweet fancy Moses, what is going on here?!

Oh, look! Here's some information about one of the women! This might help us. OK, it says that this particular individual met this guy on "....an online dating site called singleparentmeet.com." All right. Nothing wrong with making friends online. But then, "She told police she performed sex acts on her young son as directed by her online male friend." All right. There's absolutely something wrong with that! As directed by?! The direction I can fully comprehend. It's the following through with it that still boggles me! Maybe her mother (who was inexplicably interviewed for this story) can help shed some insight on what her daughter was thinking. She said that "...her daughter was "depressed and lonesome" after her divorce." Uh-huh. I'm going to need more than that. "I don't know how he wrangled her in...She could have turned off the computer and gone the other way. He must have had a power over her." Oh, for cryin' out loud!

A power over her?! How about just admitting that your daughter is a complete dumbass?! Power? What kind of power? I've read this story several times (in hopes that I read it wrong at least once) and it makes no mention of him being overly tricky or magic or anything like that. He's just a big, perverted dope who managed to convince not one, not two, but at least seven women from all over the country to sexually assault their children because it would "help" them.

Seven. I have just lost all faith in humanity. I have nothing left. Seven. Indiana, Georgia, Illinois, Oregon New Hampshire, Idaho and Florida (of course). Those folks are spread all across the country. If it was contained to a particular region (like Florida, as I had expected), maybe I would have some faith left. But it's not. It's from one coast to another and everywhere in between. I don't really know what else to do with that other than to completely abandon any shred of hope that I may have ever had. For cryin' out loud, "Because the Internet told me to" is about the worst excuse I have ever heard in my life and it happened in this instance at least seven times. Yeah, I give up. Good Lord...

Best Picture On The Internet

According to the Internets, this is the best picture on the Internets. And while I can't totally agree with them, I'm finding it a little hard to outright disagree, you know what I mean? You will after careful consideration of what may actually be the best picture on the Internets. Behold!

See what I mean? Hard to know, really. Hard to know.

Doggone Weird

Look, we all know that there is an awfully lot of weird stuff on the Internets. I mean, really weird stuff. There's cool stuff, too, but it's the weird stuff that really props up the Internets. Well, that and porn. Of course. But even a lot of the porn is pretty weird, too. I guess I don't have to tell you that. Where was I? Oh, yes. The weirdness. Even though there are a lot of really weird things on the Internets, I have to say that I have not encountered the type of weirdness depicted in the video below. That is, until today. Today I encountered it and I still don't know what to do with it. It's a woman and she's showing viewers how to exercise. It's unclear as to which viewers she is trying to reach, as she is also exercising with giant poodles. Oh, did I mention that she herself looks like a giant poodle? Yep. She does. And she looks like a giant poodle right down to her poofy arms and her poofy legs. Seriously, I have no idea what in the hell this is other than so bizarre I'm having trouble putting words to it. I'm open to suggestions. The video is below. It's probably the weirdest thing you'll see all day. You're welcome. I think. (Oh, and PS. I have no idea what that's a picture of. I simply Googled "weird" and that was one of the images that came up. And it is, unquestionably, weird. So I went with it.)

What Is Internet?

Technically, the Internet hasn't been around that long. Granted, I have a hard time remembering what I did in my spare time before the Internet. (I'd like to think that I was productive, but who knows?) Then again, I was an early adopter of the Internet. Are you kidding? Something that allowed me to do stuff without actually having to talk to other people? I'd been waiting for something like that my entire life!

And when I was first introduced to the concept of the Internet, while I didn't quite understand all of it or the immense capabilities, I was able to grasp the concept of the "@" symbol. It's pronounced 'at'. You know that. I know that. You know who didn't know that? Katie Couric. (Are you really that surprised? Of course you're not.)

I'm including a link to some video from 1994 that has surfaced. (I would have just embedded the video, but for some reason, YouTube wasn't giving it up.) It was when Katie Couric was on Today with the insufferable Bryant Gumbel. Not only did they have a discussion over what "@" stood for, they were both completely flummoxed by the entire concept of the Internet in general. That kind of explains why they were calling it "Internet". No the. Just Internet. As in, "Can you explain what Internet is?" Even after they get their explanation, they're still not completely sure what it means. Bryant Gumbel is completely perplexed by email addresses and has no earthly idea what they mean, let alone what they're supposed to do. Click here to be taken back to the glory days of 1994, when Internet was just beginning.

And while I find it amusing, I'm a little perplexed on why those folks don't do any research for their job. Seriously, if they knew that they were going to be talking about "Internet" that day at work, don't you think that they maybe should have brushed up on what the heck it was first? I mean, they're already completely morons. Do they really want to appear to be complete morons? Hmm. I guess if I look at how things turned out for them today, I guess it really doesn't matter. Nope. Doesn't matter if you're stupid, you can still get ahead in media. We're scroomed.

He's Keith Fenimore

I'm all for an experiment. I'm really all for an experiment where the results don't seem like they'd be all that exciting, but just might turn out to be rather interesting regardless of which way things turn out. And if I can do my part and have it count for a daily post, I'm in!


Here's the scoop: There's this guy. What's his name...um....hold on...oh. That's right. Keith. Keith Fenimore. Now, Keith's name might not be all that familiar to you (as it took me a full minute and a half to remember it), but his face just might be really familiar to you in the very short future. Meet Keith. Behold!

That's him. That's Keith. Remember that face because you're (hopefully) going to see a lot of it. At the very least, you're hopefully going to be hearing more about Keith. According to our friends over there at Asylum, Keith is "...pursuing his goal of being named "America's most recognized face." According to the article, the premise goes something like this: "to build momentum via various media platforms until everyone in America knows who he is." Apparently, wearing that shirt is part of his plan. (No, I don't know why the "I'm" is in the middle. Some unknown textile recognition implement, perhaps?)

I wasn't sure if I needed to know who one more person was in this world. I'm perfectly happy not meeting anyone else for the rest of my life (as so many folks turn out to be bat nut crazy). But since I don't actually have to meet Keith, I figured this was an experiment I could totally get behind. (If he shows up on my front porch, however, deal's off.) And he's not even going to TRY to get me to like him. He just wants me to know who he is. As he puts it "To be recognized, I don't need people to like me. I just need them to see my face and recognize it." (I realize that kind of sounds very similar to the way that I just put it, but at least you know that I know what I'm talking about.)

When Keith started this quest, he didn't have an online persona at all. Brace yourselves. He did NOT have a Facebook! (I know! The horror!) He didn't have a Twitter account and thus, did not tweet. (You've really gotta respect a guy who doesn't tweet.) He didn't even have some fancy-shmancy web page proclaiming how great he was. (He has a website now, but that's because of trying to become recognized. Duh. I still wouldn't call it fancy-shmancy, though.) Nope. He was just anonymous Keith. But he's hoping to change all of that by just getting pictures of his face out there so that people can become acquainted with who he is.

I'm OK with this idea. Think about all of the completely useless people out there that we know who they are for no particular reason. Paris Hilton? A total waste of space. Kim Kardashian? Nice ass, but again, a total waste of space. Neither one of them did anything other than shove their face out there for all the world to see over and over and over again until we had to know who they were. The problem with those two is that once they became recognizable, they someone convinced themselves that they had done something. Meanwhile, we're still stuck with them.

I don't think that Keith is a guy who we are going to mind being stuck with, provided that all goes well. He claims via the Asylum article that "...his intentions are pure and have nothing to do with being famous as a means to make more money, sell more books or any other end. " And I think I believe him. But even if he does end up making some money or securing a book deal (which would make me jealous as hell and I had at least better secure a mention in said book), good for him. At least he's doing something to warrant it. Do you know how many crappy books are out there by people that we've never even heard of? Exactly!

So I wanted to do my part. I like getting in on the ground floor of things. I became his friend on Facebook and that exposed him to my vast network of friends. (I use the term "vast network" extremely loosely and simply because I can!) And I'm writing this post and including as many pictures of Keith as I can. (I was going to mention that I thought Keith was kind of cute, but I just read over on his website that he's married to a "sexy woman", so there's no sense in that now.) I'm interested in how this one is going to turn out. I'm hoping that he can get himself so recognized that it blasts the Kardashians and Paris Hilton into obscurity. God, wouldn't that be great? That's why, as much as we want to count on him to succeed, he needs to count on us. So remember his face. Remember his name. It's Keith Fenimore. And he's better than the Kardashians! Good luck, Keith! We're counting on you!

Dear Uncle Bryan

You know, it's never too late to share things that you learn with the ones that you love. No matter what the time, no matter what the topic. You might be the holder of a vestibule of information that needs to be opened up so that the world might benefit from the wealth of information which it holds. I'm guessing that's what this little girl was thinking when she sent her Uncle Bryan the letter below. Thank goodness for the guy on Reddit who posted it and said, "My friend's niece sent him this letter. He thought it only belonged on the the refrigerator. I thought it belonged on the Internet." It absolutely belongs on the Internet. This is what the Internet was made for! Well, this and porn. Behold!

Quotes: Nicholas Carr + Richard Holbrooke

"The constant distractedness that the Net encourages--the state of being, to borrow another phrase from Eliot's Four Quartets, "distracted from distraction by distraction"--is very different from the kind of temporary, purposeful diversion  of our mind that refreshes  our thinking when we're weighing a decision. The Net's cacophony of stimuli short-circuits both conscious and unconscious thought, preventing our minds from thinking either deeply or creatively. Our brains turn into simple signal-processing units, quickly shepherding information into consciousness and then back out again.
     "In a 2005 interview, Michael Mezernich [Emeritus professor of neuroscience at the University of California, San Francisco] ruminated on the Internet's power to cause not just modest alterations but fundamental changes in our mental makeup. Nothing that 'our brain is modified on a substantial scale, physically and functionally, each time we learn a new skill or develop a new ability,' he described the Net as the latest in a series of 'modern cultural specializations' that 'contemporary humans can spend millions of "practice" events at [and that] the average human a thousand years ago had absolutely no exposure to.' He concluded that our brains are massively remodeled by this exposure.'"--Nicholas Carr, from The Shallows: What the Internet Is Doing to Our Brains, New York: W. W. Norton & Company, 2010, pp. 119-120. (H/t and thanks to Lisa Moore)

+++

Could the late Ambassador Richard Holbrooke (1941-2010) have put things more simply and candidly as his last words as he was being wheeled into surgery? Is there anything concerning the ongoing foreign policy disasters, warmaking, failed nation-building, and budget busting to fill the coffers of the military-industrial complex that this current president (and any future ones) need pay more attention to? Here's a suggestion: why don't each of us print out this statement, properly quoted and attributed, on a postcard (to save money) or a piece of paper, and send it to our Congresspeople? (We might even consider sending one at least once a week for the month of January, as a wakeup call to them. Perhaps I'll organize this on the other blog, and let's see how this goes...)

""You've got to stop this war in Afghanistan." - Richard Holbrooke

Do Not Buy That On The Internet

Sometimes I read things and I just think to myself "Who are you people?" Then I immediately retract that thought because I really don't think that I want to know in most cases. That's what happened when I stumbled across this headline over at The Vancouver Sun: "Don't buy breast milk on the Web, doctors warn". Good Lord. What now?

Seriously? Is this a warning that needs to be out there? You don't already know that you shouldn't be buying some random fluid from some stranger on the Internet and feeding it to your baby? Really? What part of that is the toughest for you to noodle through? I'm guessing all of it is a pretty novel concept to certain folks, as the sub-headline reads: "Lack of medical information about donors can result in problems, Health Canada says". Huh. In what way?

Of course it can result in problems! What is wrong with you people?! Who can't figure that out?! Who is buying breast milk over the Internet and feeding it (presumably and kind of hopefully) to their infant? Well, apparently the kind of people who joined a "...breast milk sharing program launched by a Montreal woman on social networking website Facebook". Why does Facebook have to be involved with everything?! I'm sick of hearing about Facebook, for cryin' out loud!

Look, do I really have to delve very far into this entire concept before I can just get to the common sense part of it that would tell any normal person that buying breast milk over the Internet is a BAD idea? According to the statement (that is clearly for people who are not going to read it, comprehend it, nor care what it says) that was released along with the whole "Don't buy breast milk over the Internet" shpiel, "There is a potential risk that the milk may be contaminated with viruses such as HIV or bacteria, which can cause food poisoning".

Really? Are you the sort of person who is going to do something so reckless that it potentially puts your child at risk for contracting HIV? Or any other sort of disease? Really? Powdered or pre-made formula is sooooo terrible in your mind that it is a better option to risk your child contracting HIV than to feed them milk not directly from a breast? You should not have children. At the very least, you certainly shouldn't be allowed the feed the children that you do have.

I'm sure that this sounds harsh and judgmental. Good. It's supposed to. Remember, a word to the wise isn't necessary; it's the stupid ones who need advice. And here's the advice: Don't buy breast milk over the Internet to feed to your baby. If you're wondering if it could possibly be so simple, trust me. It is. Just don't do it and you'll be fine. And, probably to your surprise, your baby will be fine too. Lots of people weren't breast fed and they turned out just fine.

The Internet Wants Another Word With You

The other day, I brought you the tale of a one self-indulgent (and highly annoying) 11-year old, Jessi Slaughter, who learned the hard way that the Innerwebs will ruin your life (and take great joy and pleasure in doing so) should you step so far out of line that it will practically take a cannon to shoot you back down to earth in an ever so humbling and extremely unpleasant manner. That experience resulted in Jessi posting another video of herself online, only that time, it wasn't so fun for her. No, she was sobbing and upset and her lunatic father was screaming some nonsense in the background. It made me happy. Sad for humanity, of course, but overall, I thoroughly enjoyed it. Little did I realize that there was more! More golden video from this incredibly inept and dysfunctional family unit.

Now, considering that the way that little Jessi got herself into trouble and wrought the havoc of the Internets (aka 4chan.org) was by posting videos of herself online, I'm more than a little surprised that she was allowed (and seemingly encouraged) by her parents to continue to do so. Then again, their parenting skills seem to have an awful lot to be desired, so I guess I shouldn't be that surprised. But I am. In a sad, sad way. I'm also glad. In a glad, glad way. Here is the latest nugget from this completely clueless girl and her completely clueless parents. The transcript (with commentary, naturally) is below.

Jessi: OK, this is Jessi Slaughter. I just wanted to tell you guys that you've ruined my life. My household has been torn. (something inaudible due to all of the weeping and the giant snot bubble stuck in her throat) Ever since you guys have been doing this. I haven't been able to do anything. (Good!)

Dad: And don't be saying suicide!

Jessi: I'm not! I'm saying I haven't been able to eat! I haven't been able to sleep!

Dad: And guess what? My daughter's not lyin'. And I'm not going to put up with any of you people's crap any more! If you ain't got somethin' nice to say about my daughter, then keep your mouth shut and any more of your comments are put on there I'm recording them all and they are being sent to...the..po-lice...department

Jessi (nodding in agreement with her clueless father): They have been being screen capped! (Yeah, no one cares about that.)

Dad: And your emails will be caught and will be found (it sounds like he says 'bound', but that doesn't make any sense. Not that the rest of what he says does make sense, I'm just sayin'.) You've said you're going to beat my daughter up? YOU will have to deal with the police. 'Cause you dun goofed. (It is here that she does a really odd thing. She puts her finger up to her lips as if to "shush" her dad. Um, we can see you. What is that all about? I'm open for suggestions.)

Now, mind you, when the clueless Dad is talking to the Innerwebs, the webcam on her computer (judging from the angle, I'd guess it's a laptop) isn't pointing at him. It's not even really pointing at a decent angle for her. The point here is that you only see dad from mid-torso down. It's half of a blue shirt and a pair of dark green khaki shorts which sport legs wearing shoes and socks. And it's yelling. It's a lovely look for those who have been recently mentally tortured by the Innerwebs.

And seriously, if you're using a phrase like "you dun goofed" whilst your attempting to defend your 11-year old daughter's absolutely inexcusable behavior, are you not just asking to have yourself turned into a meme right before our eyes? I'm pretty sure that you are.

Jessi: See? I haven't been able to eat or sleep...or...anything ever since this happened, I've been having emotional breakdowns in a row. (whimper, whimper)...hating on me....You know, whoever is making fun of me...(high pitched whine that caused three dogs to show up at my front door)...you're such a**holes. I didn't do anything wrong. I am just a fricking little girl and I know my shirt is going down! I know that! OK?! Don't call me a f**king whore for that, OK? I didn't mean...(high pitched whine again...three more dogs)...it's hard. And if you think I don't know Dahvie, I fricking DO know him. My mom has answered the phone. For him. OK? And he's been calling. And once he called when I was in school and my mom answered the f**king phone! (Very high pitched squeaking) Why are you being such a**holes??

Mom: Jessica! It's time to calm down. (She could have said "It's time to come down." No one in this family enunciates worth a damn.) It's time to come down.

Jessi: So, I....stop making fun of me! Stop it. Please.

Mom: Turn the camera off.

OK, I'm taking a whole slew of stuff from that little interchange (not the least of which is great enjoyment). There's a whole lot to like there. First of all, why is she still making videos? I'm kind of thinking that if my kid had wreaked that kind of havoc upon my home/trailer life, allowing her to go online and post MORE videos of herself would be the LAST thing I would do. (And her mom saying "Turn the camera off" is a phrase that should have been uttered quite some time ago. It also should have been followed by "Now hand over your computer.")

As far as some of Jessi's questions and requests, allow me to address them. "Why are you being such a**holes?" Um, did you see your other video? That's why. "Don't call me a f**king whore for that, OK?" Um, no. How about you wear a shirt that's a little more appropriate for an 11-year old? "Stop making fun of me." Stop making videos that induce all of the fun making.

But wait! There's more! The website momlogic managed to get an interview with Jessi's mother, Dianne. Will it surprise you to learn that she defended her daughter? Of course it won't. Will it possibly anger you? Of course it will. First of all, when asked if she knew that her daughter was posting these videos online, Dianne responded, "Jessica has a webcam and a computer. All of her friends have webcams, too, so they video chat with each other. I knew she'd made a video to apply for "America's Got Talent." She sings and sent an audition video in. I had no idea she was making other videos. I have seen her chatting with her friends, but not making videos." Wow. Could she be more clueless? Yeah, see, when I was a kid and I did things that I didn't want my parents to know about, I did it when they weren't around. That might have something to do with why you didn't see her making videos. (Does this woman need to have everything spelled out for her?)

The answer is "Yes!" When asked when it was that she found out about the videos and what her reaction was, she explained, "The (police) officers had said there were videos, but Jess denied making them. Then my mother-in-law called and said there were videos. But I haven't watched them. I can't be in the room 24/7. We tried to talk to Jess last night, but she got very upset all over again. I am trying to get her back to normal. It's taken a very emotional toll on her. I don't know if she made these videos or not, but she says she didn't. Right now, I am trying to figure out what's real and what's not. This has been very difficult to deal with." Oh, for cryin' out loud. What?!

So, police officers have said that there are videos. Your mother-in-law said that there were videos. You haven't watched the alleged videos. But your daughter continues to deny making them. Your life, however, is in turmoil. And you're still believing her? You won't take a few minutes to watch the videos that she allegedly made? Why in the world would you not? Wow. You should not be a parent. I don't usually pass judgment that blatantly around here (I prefer to be a little more subtle and a lot more funny), but come on, lady. Good Lord...

The rest of the article is simply unbelievable. I highly recommend that you read it. I love it when people who are as clueless as her mother is just speak freely as if they think that everyone in the world will agree with their point of view. Yeah, not so much. This woman has no intention of changing her child's behavior. How do I come to that conclusion? Probably from her answer to the question "What message do you have for other moms?" That answer was as follows: "Communicate with your child, try and watch them and try and believe what your child is saying to you. Give your child the benefit of the doubt, because nobody else will. And talk to your child about cyberbullying and about how bad it's going to hurt another person. They don't know or understand the dwindling-down effect of what they've created." Wait. What now?

Believe what your child is saying to you?! Lady, you dumbass, your kid is lying to you! She DID make those videos! And you're believing that she didn't because she says she didn't? Wow. And give your kid the benefit of the doubt? That's the last thing you should do! By the way, please DO take your own advice and DO talk to your child about cyberbullying. Granted, I don't know if I'd call what she did cyberbullying, but telling people that she's going to pop a glock in their mouth and make a brain slushie is going to really anger the Innerwebs. And as far as the effect of what they've created, do you realize that the only one to blame for what has been created is your daughter? She's the only one. This is her doing. I understand that Jessi was placed in protective custody for the weekend. It's unfortunate that she couldn't have stayed there.

Read the interview over at momlogic (it's linked above). It's seriously unbelievable. I wish that I could live in that perpetual state of denial. Holy crap. And I'm going to just guess that a lot of the havoc that has poured down upon the life of Jessi and her parents isn't going to stop any time soon. I can't imagine that it will stop without her mother having at least watched the videos that she had made. Tell you what, Jessi's clueless mother...how about you watch the videos that your daughter made and that over a million other people have watched and then the Internet might consider backing off. In the meantime, enjoy those thousands of pizzas that I understand were ordered to be delivered to your home. Oh, and the hookers that were ordered up as well. Can't have a really good pizza party without some hookers!

The Internet Wants A Word With You

You know what I'm a big fan of? People getting their come-uppance, that is correct. People being put in their place and learning that the universe does not revolve around them is a close second. Both of those two occurring at the same time? Priceless.

The Internets, while fun places for social networking, taking in media and information, as well as being a vast warehouse for oodles and oodles of porn, can be ugly places sometimes. And if you're a stuck up, smack talking, seriously delusional 11-year old, you're going to learn the ugly sides of the Interwebs in ways that you did not know were possible. And it will be pretty entertaining, I'll tell you what.

Take, for example, the case of a one Jessi Slaughter (not her real name, but catchy, no?). Jessi is 11. Jessi, for some reason, likes to post videos of herself on YouTube while she's talking smack and acting as if she's all that. (She's 11. How "that" could she even be?) Judging from these videos, this kid is in need of some serious parenting. That would include them monitoring what in the world she is doing on the computer. Just for starters. See, she posts videos like the one below of herself. Now, listen, I will acknowledge that it's hard to watch. I want to punch people like her. (Oh, yeah. I forgot. She's only 11. OK. Let me rephrase that. I want to bend down and punch people like her. Better?) So I'm going to provide you with a little transcript of her rantings. Granted, it's not as hard to take when you aren't listening to her squeaking, self-important voice droning on, but it's still annoying as can be. And look, I know it's kind of long. But it's fairly necessary to really understand what we're dealing with. Here we go...

"This is Jessi Slaughter here and this is to all of you f**king haters. OK. Guess what? You guys are bitches. You know what? You don't phase me. (That statement will prove to be sorely untrue later on.) I'm just doin' this just so you can...tell. I read the comments. I read the messages. (something inaudible) But you know what? I don't give a f**k. I'm happy with my life, OK? If you can't, like, realize that and stop hating, then you know what? I'll pop a glock in your mouth and make a brain slushie. OK? 'Cause you hater bitches? You're just like, jealous of me. I'm just saying. You're jealous of me because ONE. I'm more pretty than you. I have more friends. More people like me. I have more fans. And...um...yeah. And all that sh*t. I can't think of any more right now because I'm brain dead and it's like, 10:19 in the morning and I just woke up like...midnight? OK, but it's like early in the morning, so I'm like brain dead right now. So I can't think of anything. But, haters...stop hatin' on me. You're just jealous 'cause I'm perfect and you're not. Nobody else can be this pretty with no makeup on. None what so ever. Oh, and by the way, I did get my lip pierced. Here's the hole. My mom made me take it out because I'm getting new ones which are going to be closer in. But, um, just sayin' stuff. Stop hatin' on me. I'm just a normal girl who is perfect in every way and you're just jealous. Why am I making all these gestures? I'm just weird. I know that. But, you guys are just jealous because I have a perfect boyfriend. I do. And you guys are just jealous because I have three. (Insert weird deformed hand gesture here.) So, yeah. Jealousy much? So...um, I'd just shut your mouths before you make a fool of yourselves again. So, yeah. Oh! And you guys? And my fans? Please hate on the haters. But, um, and I'm not nine. I'm eleven. And I don't consider myself 'scene' or 'emo'. That's just something I put on my videos and I just say I'm that so that people can be like all...'Cause if I say what I am, people will be like...'cause I'm not 'scene'. I'm not 'emo'. I'm nothing! I don't even choose labels. I don't. I do not. And if you guys like consider and, um, begin like label me and sh*t, then you guys are the actual posers. I'm not a poser. How can I be a poser being myself? So, yeah. And don't try and make smart comments at me because I've got like a sh*tload of comeback. (You'll see her 'comeback' later. It's not pretty.) So, and if you hate me, you know what? Suck my non-existing penis, OK? Just suck it. Get AIDS and die. You know what? Fist yourself to your little bestiality magazines, get a paper cut on your f**king little c**t or d**k and hope the bitch falls off. OK? Get AIDS and die. Suck a dick and die. Anyway, Stickydrama sh*t. I will put some sh*t in the crotch bar. So, um, a link to the sh*t that's been happening on Stickydrama lately involving me and my homie, Daddy. He's not here, but I'm pointing for some reason. What the f**k? But, um, some bullsh*t that's been going on between us, but we got it all settled. My mom been talkin' to him. Thank God for my mom. Yeah, but, um, I'm gettin' my coon tails. F**k yeah. Coon tails. Um, why am I making these stupid things? I'm gettin' coon tails and I'm gonna get my snakies and...what else is going on in my life? But, um, I'm going to wrap up this video before it starts like...um....goin' wrong. But haters? F**k you. It's a big f**k you to all those haters. K? Love ya all. (Weirdly blows a weird kiss to the webcam.) Bye. Check out my Stickydrama. (Points down. Ewww.)

See what I mean? Hard. To. Take. (By the way, what in the hell are coon tails? Like Davy Crockett?) And everyone hates that kind of person. I think that we hate that kind of kid even more, but people don't want to admit it because it's a kid. I'm not sure what difference that makes. A douchebag is a douchebag. There's no age limit. At least, I'm not imposing one. And I am not the only one who feels that way. I'm certainly not the only one who felt that way.

On the Internet, there are some sites where people will band together for a cause, any cause, and do the cause proud. That's not to say that the cause is anything to be proud of, but sometimes, it most certainly is. In the case of this chick, the folks over there at 4Chan.org's /b/ board, and Tumblr got the word out to hammer on this chick. Because she's 11 and apparently under zero parental supervision, it was likely that she had posted a bunch of her personal information on the Internets. According to the gawking folks over at

Gawker,"People started circulating Jessi's real name, phone number, address and links to all her social networking accounts." And if that wasn't enough, "...pranksters spammed her Facebook and MySpace accounts, had pizzas delivered to her house and were considering sending call girls off Craigslist to the address." Ooohhh. Ordering up hookers. Nice touch, 4chan. Nice touch, indeed!

And what did all of that get us? That got us another video of hilarity, this time involving the likes of Jessi sobbing and blubbering because her life has been ruined AND the likes of her father screaming out absolutely hilarious sentences to the webcam. He's sporting the weird pedophile moustache and comes across as Billy Mays on cocaine (which is what killed him). That's right. He's screaming to the Internets. Quite amusing. Allow me to provide you with a transcript of that as well.

Jessi: "OK, you guys. This is Jessi Slaughter here and.."
Dad: "You know what?! ..."
Jessi: "...and I just wanted to say that you guys have ruined my life!"
Dad: "I'm going to tell you right now..."
Jessi: "This is from...my Dad..."
Dad:"Her father! You bunch of lyin', no good punks! And I know who it's comin' from! Because I BACKTRACED it! And I know who's emailin' and who's doin' it! And you'll be reported to the cyber police! AND the state police! And they had better write one more thing (I think he means that they had better NOT write one more thing, but he's a crazed lunatic so it's understandable that he has no idea what he's saying.) or screw with my computer again, you'll be arrested! End of conversation! From HER FATHER! And if you come near my daughter, guess what?! Consequences will never be the same! (Uh, what does that even mean?) You lyin' bunch of pricks!"
Jessi: "See? My house has been like this. Ever since people have been posting stuff about me....I can't live like this..."
Mom: "I want to live in PEACE."
Jessi: "I have toured(?). I am literally...I have been having emotional breakdowns one after the other. For the past like...three days."
Mom: "You've been sick! You can't sleep! You can't eat! Because of them f**kers!"
Jessi: "Yeesss! You guys! This is really tearing me apart right now. I've been crying my eyes out if you haven't noticed that. Just stop hating. Do you have to ruin my f**king life?"

Awesome. I must address the father's rant. First of all, I love how he makes it clear that he is her father. Can I assume that he thinks that this is a bunch of other eleven year olds that has made his life a living hell? (By the way, it would have been nicer if he had stepped up and acted like a father before his daughter told the Innerwebs to F-off. I'm just sayin'.) Second, he "backtraced it"? What does that even mean? He doesn't seem like he's bright enough to backtrace his steps out of a room, let alone someone's email. Third, who are the cyber police? Are they like the dream police? Do they live inside of my head? Do they come to me in my bed? What on earth is he talking about? And finally, what consequences will never be the same? How will they be different? And different than what? Consequences? That doesn't sound so bad, really.

What can we learn from all of this? Plenty. First of all, parents? Know what your kids are doing online. Does your 11-year old kid really need a computer in their room? I'm not so sure that they do. In fact, I'm pretty sure that they don't. Does this 11-year old kid need a computer in her room? Absolutely not. Kids and webcams seem to be a bad idea if you're asking me. Ever hear of parental control software? Try using it. But before you do that, how about you bone up on your parenting skills in general, OK? If you're raising a kid to have the sort of attitude that ol' Jessi has there, you're doing something wrong. And I certainly hope that Jessi can learn something from all of this. People don't like the kind of person that she appears to be. People don't like getting "called out" by a snotty 11-year old. Remember during her initial screed where she said "I've got a sh*tload of comeback"? THAT was her comeback? Sobbing uncontrollably because her life has been turned upside down by the Innerwebs? You're eleven, sweetie. Knock it off.

I know that some might think that this was a bit harsh. And while it was harsh, I'm not seeing much of a problem with it. The kid was totally out of line, not to mention annoying as hell. People like her make other people's lives miserable...and they enjoy it. Of course, they don't enjoy it quite so much once their own life has been made miserable. And with some people, they need something like this to knock them back into reality. Granted, this shouldn't be necessary because there should be things like responsible parents to keep the kid in line. No one wants a society with a bunch of little a-holes running around and shooting off their mouths. Look at it this way: Lesson learned. One down. Many more to go, but still, one down.