Fashion Do's And Don't At The Golden Globes

I love me an awards show. And the Golden Globes is no exception. And since the Golden Globes was last night, let's get started on the fashion critique, shall we? (As I tend to do with these sorts of posts, I readily admit that I am far from a fashion monger. Fashion mongrel would be more like it. That being said, I shall now commence pointing out the good, the bad and the wtf of last night.)

Let's start off with the always lovely Sandra Bullock. You know what Sandra Bullock does best? Be Sandra Bullock, that is correct. Why she felt the need to channel Cher with her look is beyond me. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying a bad word about Sandra Bullock. I'm just saying that I like her better when she looks like Sandra Bullock.

Here we have a one Michelle Williams (was she ever anything besides Heath Ledger's girlfriend?) wearing what appears to be her shower curtain. It's very odd. I don't know, maybe she was running late. That pixie hairdo isn't helping much. (When did that come into fashion? Does anyone think that's a good idea? I mean, for women? It's fine on men. It doesn't do much for the allure of a woman, however.)

Speaking of who might have been running late, what's the deal with Helena Bonham Carter's get up? She has some sort of Prince circa-Purple Rain dealio going on with her hair. She also seems to be wearing two different dresses. It's almost as if she couldn't decide. She's definitely wearing two different colored shoes, neither of which color go with whatever that outfit is. Even the guy standing behind her looks confused. Behold!

While Angelina Jolie is just so damned perfect that it really rubs me the wrong way, there is absolutely no denying that she looked absolutely stunning in the sparkly green number that she showed up in.

Newly knocked up Natalie Portman decided to go with an outfit that would absolutely draw attention. It's not necessarily for the right reasons, but while you're wondering what in the world that rose is doing right there (it is a rose, isn't it?) it does help you forget for a few moments that she is preggers. Kind of makes you wonder if she bumped her head real hard to actually wear that out in public, but totally makes you forget she's got a bun in the oven.

Scarlett Johansson has this sort of windblown/Bride of Frankenstein thing going on with her hair. It's very distracting. It only mildly distracts one from that weird tattoo that she is sporting on her inner arm there. What is that? Let's see....Googling...Googling...it's a...a sunrise? Is she sure?

I don't think that's a sunrise. I'm going to need a close up.

Yeah, no. No, that's not a sunrise. (It's hideous is what it is. Wow. That's really bad.) Moving on...Remember Katey Sagal? Peg Bundy from Married With Children? Oh, go ahead and admit it! We all watched it! It's OK to admit it now. Here's a refresher:

Yeah, that was never a good look. But Ms. Sagal won a Golden Globe last night for best actress in a drama in something called Sons of Anarchy which is apparently on FX. And holy crap, she didn't look anything like Peg Bundy. Behold!

Yowza. Nice job! And congratulations for winning the Golden Globe and for wearing something respectable!

Golden Globes Fashion 2010

So, the Golden Globes were last night. For those of you unfamiliar with the Golden Globes, they're sort of like the drunken trial run of the Oscars. Apparently, the Golden Globes have been around since 1944, but it wasn't until the advent of the Internet that we all had to pretend like they meant something and that people gave a crap about them. And as I enjoy doing with all other meaningless award shows, I will be taking this opportunity (yes, the opportunity to type) to survey the fashion that was worn and mock it thoroughly. Though I will admit, this will be a little bit harder for me to do than it is with other shows because, well, I really like a lot of the folks in my "Needs Improvement" category. Sometimes it's difficult to mock those you like. Not impossible, by any means. For God's sake, there's always room for mockery.

I'd also like to take a moment to point out that I myself am far from a fashion monger. Fashion mongrel is probably more like it. What do I know about fashion? Very little. But what do I know about humor? Quite a bit, actually. And the two, independent of each other, can co-exist here in this blog post quite peacefully.

First up is my beloved Drew Barrymore. I adore Drew. It is her choice of gowns which I almost always do not adore. As you can see in the photo below, Drew appears to have had some sort of unfortunate mishap in which a giant Brillo pad became lodged on the side of her gown. Behold!

Anna Paquin showed up with an odd choice in footwear. (It looks like perhaps she's going to an after party where there will be some sort of clogging going on? Hard to tell.) And if the dress is any indication, she'll be changing her name to Anna Sequin shortly after the ceremony.

Here's Tina Fey standing in the rain, holding an umbrella and wearing some sort of extremely flared chain mail gown. It's unfortunate that she had to actually wear the gown, as it would have doubled nicely should someone else have needed another umbrella.

Nicole Kidman gave out the first award of the evening. Now if we could only get Nicole Kidman to eat the first sandwich of any evening, I think it would be a step in the right direction. Is she getting ready for her next role as a coat rack? When did she become so ridiculously skinny?

Did you see Diane Kruger? Did you see the luscious Lauren Graham? Did you see how both of their dresses appear to have come from the very same My Little Pony Colors collection? Behold!

(Oh, that just killed me to write. I love Lauren Graham. Could she be any hotter? Hard to say. Hard to say.) But speaking of folks who seemed to go through the same tailor, Carey Mulligan, Vera Farmiga and Lea Michele must have carpooled to the black, weirdly ruffley, award show gown store. Behold!

You know what else those three have in common? I haven't heard of a one of them. The only reason I know Vera Farmiga (and I still didn't know her name) was because I saw that boring Up In The Air movie she was in. If it hadn't been for that and the fact that I managed to not nod off during the scenes that she was in, I'd have no clue as to who she was.

And finally, uh, Mariah Carey showed up and brought, um, a few, uh, friends with her. Behold!

Good Lord, madam. Is that...are those...necessary? She looks like a linebacker. A linebacker with breasts the size of watermelons, that is. (She sure as heck did not look like that in the movie "Precious". She gave one heck of a performance (a performance that had not one thing to do with an unnaturally large bosom) in that show, I'll tell you that.)