Say Cheese!

KFC has apparently started an ridiculous trend in restaurant fare, but they didn't do it intentionally. In fact, while I notice that KFC is being blamed for this trend, the alleged trend followers really aren't quite doing it right. That's mainly because KFC's idea was ingenious and the other guys...well, they're just grasping at straws, basically.

See, KFC introduced the Double Down sandwich a little while ago. It's a masterpiece of culinary delights. The genius of the sandwich is that there is no pesky bread to get in the way. That's right. No bread. Instead of bread, the Double Down utilizes two pieces of boneless chicken in place of the bun. In place of the "meat" of the sandwich, there are two pieces of bacon, a slice of melted Monterey Jack cheese, a slice of melted pepper jack cheese and a glob of something called Colonel's Sauce (which appears to be some sort of mayonnaise based goo that is slathered generously between the chicken pieces). What's not to love? Nothing, that's what. You love it all.

Burger joint Friendly's tried their own version of the Double Down by coming out with the Grilled Cheese BurgerMelt. I don't know why BurgerMelt is one word. I don't know why it's called a 'melt' at all, really. What they have is their Friendly's Big Beef burger, but instead of a bun, they use grilled cheese sandwiches. Behold!

Good Lord. I can't tell if that looks delicious or disgusting. I'm leaning more toward disgusting. I'm definitely on the side of unnecessary. The thing is, it is nothing like the Double Down. The point of the Double Down was NO BUN. Clearly, the Grilled Cheese BurgerMelt has a bun. It's a bun with cheese in the middle of it, but it's a bun. NOT the same.

Carl's Jr. is even working on something called the Footlong Cheeseburger. It is just what it sounds like it is. It's a cheeseburger that's a foot long. It look positive disgusting, not to mention incredibly ridiculous. Behold!

Is there some sort of a reason why they just wouldn't make a really wide round burger? You know, the way that burgers are supposed to look? I don't get it, but good luck with that Carl's Jr. Good luck with that.

Now Denny's has decided to get in on the act. According to Nation's Restaurant News the Fried Cheese Melt is "...made with four fried mozzarella sticks and melted American cheese grilled between two slices of sourdough bread. It is served with French fries and a side of marinara sauce." Wait. It's what? Between what? And you're supposed to eat it? For reals? For reals. Behold!

Wow. OK, then. I would have liked it if they had kicked it up a notch and made the bread two grilled cheese sandwiches. That would really helped the heart disease to kick in super fast. And don't get me wrong. I enjoy cheese as much as the next person. (Seriously, what's not to love. It's cheese, for cryin' out loud.) But this just isn't going to work.

You know as well as I do that the thought of deep fried mozzarella sticks is a fabulous idea. But if you don't bite into one of those things within about 5 seconds of having them served to you, it's all over. Aside from the fact that the cheese solidifies way too fast, you can't eat it when it's at the tongue scalding temperature that they are intended to be enjoyed at. And here enters the conundrum. If you don't eat them right away because you don't want to burn off all of your taste buds (not to mention the majority of your tongue flesh), then the breading starts to get soggy. Have you ever tried to reheat a deep fried mozzarella stick? It's disgusting. It's like someone rolled some string cheese in a soggy piece of Wonder Bread.

And I anticipate that this sandwich will be similar to that. The mozzarella cheese breading will become immediately soggy, rendering the sandwich into a simply disgusting and completely inedible pile of goo with a gross breaded center. Someone really should have thought this one through a little bit more. Then again, it's Denny's. There are a lot of things that they should have thought through a little bit more.

A Famine Is Not A Shortage

I'm always amazed at how very, very few good commercials there are out there. It's not that hard to capture the interest of the viewing public. All you really need is some sort of talking animal and we're hooked. Any variation from that theme and you're really playing with fire. But some commercials are just so absolutely ridiculous that I find it amazing that anyone ever thought that they were a good idea in the first place.

My case in point here today is a Denny's advertisement which I, sadly, have yet to view. It has apparently disappeared from the airwaves and it has disappeared from online. (I didn't know it was possible to make something completely disappear online. Is it only things that aren't naked that can completely disappear?) But the fine folks over there at Asylum were kind enough to fill us in on the details of not only a commercial, but also a promotion that I find simply inexplicable.

Apparently, the often roadside and frequent neighbor of La Quinta restaurant chain "...was offering unlimited pancakes and fries". Really?? I am a big fan of pancakes and an even bigger fan of fries. And what am I really a fan of? Both of those things in an unlimited quantity, that is correct. But why would they be offering such a remarkable feast? Why, "...to mark the 150th anniversary of Ireland's potato famine." Oh. Awkward.

Wait a minute. Didn't, um, like...oh....a million or so folks die from the potato famine? Yep, I think they did. And Denny's felt the need to commemorate this with unlimited food?! That seems ill advised at best. (By the way, what do pancakes have to do with it? Potato pancakes? I mean, the whole idea is not good to begin with, so maybe that's why I don't get why pancakes are included. The whole thing doesn't make sense, so they might as well throw the pancakes in, I guess. I'm pretty sure there was never a Pancake Famine.)

Were the folks in the advertising department unclear as to the meaning of the word "famine"? I'm thinking they got it confused with the word "shortage". There was a potato shortage in Ireland in 1849, 1850, somewhere around there. But it's not like the shortage didn't have consequences. Hence the term famine! WHO thought this was a good promotion? (And how in the world did they remove all instances of that ad from the freaking Internet?! That might be the real story here!)

Of course, a Facebook page protesting this and claiming that Denny's hates the Irish has popped up. (I'm not including a link to it because the wall of said page seems to be full of idiots commenting and isn't really worth a link from here. There is a link to it on the Asylum page that I linked to above if you need a good dose of idiots ranting about nothing.) For God's sake, can nothing happen in this world any more without a freaking Facebook page being created by some mouth breathing paste eater who thinks that they're making a difference by doing so? The page currently has 1,860 members. There are approximately 36,000,000 Americans with Irish heritage in this country of about 350,000,000. There's not exactly a national uproar about this is my point.

Do I think Denny's hates the Irish? Um, no. I don't. Do I think that anyone at Denny's in their advertising department should lose their job over this? Um, no. I don't. It was a rather ridiculous idea, I'll give it that. But the thing is, it's not like just one person is responsible for this inane-ness. I'm guessing that there were at least several people involved in the creating and filming and approving of this ad. Several. How is it that not ONE of those folks saw this and said, "Um, say...you know, I think a lot of people died during that little tater problem they had over there. I don't know if we should be offering free french fries to mark the anniversary of a bunch of people starving to death. And by the way, what in the world do pancakes have to do with it?" Why did no one think that? How many people thought this was a good idea and why?

According to The Irish Echo Online, one of their readers who saw the ad (and inexplicably felt the need to write, not to Denny's, but to The Irish Echo Online) wrote, "What's next, free latkes for the holocaust?" Ohhh. Dark. But point well made. Seriously. What's next, Denny's? Got anything to commemorate the signing of the Emancipation Proclamation? I'm going to let you insert your own joke here (I'm a little bit afraid to do it myself, as I get enough wacky email as it is) as you think about how well that would go over.

In summation, I'm pretty sure that Denny's does not hate the Irish. (And if they did, I'm really sure that they wouldn't go around advertising it.) They probably need to be a tad more discerning about the talent that they hire in the advertising department. (Perhaps a history major for consulting purposes. Lord knows they can use the work.) But other than that, they're just Denny's. That pretty much sums it up. Oh, but if you know where this ad can be viewed online, please let me know. I'm dying to see it. And more importantly, if you know how to completely and entirely remove something from the Internet, let me know! I find that aspect absolutely fascinating.