Have You Seen My Dog?

It's not very often that I read a headline and really don't know where to start. I mean, I know there has to be a starting point somewhere in the midst of all of it, but it's like my brain demands to know everything all at once! Such was the case with a headline appearing across the pond in The Telegraph, which read "Transvestite had sex with a dog at English Heritage castle". Ah-HA! See? You felt the same way, didn't you? Had to know it all at once, didn't you? I knew it!

I found the sub-heading to be of little help, as it read "A transvestite had sex with a dog in the moat of an English Heritage castle". Yes, we know that. We just read that. OK, the part about the moat was new. But other than that, it's pretty much the same. No need to repeat. But, my God, what is wrong with you, sir?

According to the article it would seem that the owner of the pet was with a friend and taking a stroll around the castle. The article states "...the pair spotted the lone transvestite on the morning of Saturday July 10th at around a quarter to twelve." The lone transvestite. That was important because...they usually travel in packs? What's more than one transvestite? It can't possibly be a pride, can it? Not much there to be proud of. Um...a gaggle? A gaygle? Help me out here!

In case you were wondering, said transvestite "...was wearing a black dress and walking around the steep-walled, empty moat." No word on what kind of shoes or bag, if any. But a black dress on a beautiful Saturday morning? Seems a bit somber to me. Not as somber as what was about to happen, but still pretty somber. When the transvestite saw the two women, he ran away (as they are known to due in their natural habitat). But it's later where things really start to pick up. That's when "...one of the dogs chased after the man; by the time the women had caught up, the man was having sex with the pet." Good Lord. So many questions. So, SO many questions.

I'm going to assume that this was a rather large dog. Though I don't know why I'm jumping to that conclusion. I think it's because as unpalatable as human-dog sex is, it is somehow more tolerable when it's a larger creature. Something small like a chihuahua just seems especially wrong. Huh. You wouldn't think that there would be varying degrees of wrongness when it comes to having sex with a dog, but apparently, there are.

My main question is how long did it take these women to find the dog? That is one dog-screwing transvestite that doesn't mess around, let me tell you. Gets right down to business, that one does. Did the mood just strike him or something? Seriously, who sees a dog running past them when they're cross dressing in a black dress whilst wandering about the outside of a castle and thinks, "I'm gonna get me some of that!" Holy canoli, man. And what do you say when you encounter something like that. "Stop that" just doesn't seem like enough, you know?

The article goes on to say that the man was restrained by the castle staff while they called the police. That'd be hard to do. I don't know that I would want to physically restrain someone who had just been making sweet, sweet love to a canine beast. I realize that it was completely necessary, but I wouldn't have liked it. Those staff members should have got the rest of the day off after that. Or a particularly tasty scone to go with their lunch or something.

In case you were wondering the castle in particular was Pendennis Castle. That's too close to some weird spelling or insinuation of "penis" if you're asking me. I'm not implying that they were asking for it. I'm merely noting the coincidence of it all. Regardless of the name, Pendennis Castle "...is a popular family tourist attraction and was heaving with visitors in high season." That's not all it was heaving with. It seemed to also be heaving with a fair amount (in this case, ANY is a fair amount, even if it's only ONE) of animal fornicators.

But get this: "He was escorted home and later made a "full and frank confession", and received a caution for outraging public decency." Escorted home?! That's IT?! A guy wearing a dress does it with a dog in the moat of a castle and he gets a ride home?! What on earth is going on over there?! You don't lock up or at least arrest your petophiles over there? (I know. Bad pun. But I couldn't resist.) Just drove him home and gave him a stern talking to, eh? Wow. All right then. Anything else we should know?

Just that "A spokesman for English Heritage said: "This was a very rare incident". You think?! Did he feel the need to say that because he was worried that Pendennis Castle was going to get some sort of misappropriated reputation for being the sort of establishment where transvestites do it with dogs all the time?! Was that the fear? A very rare incident. Well, I should certainly hope so! Good Lord....